When I was 23, I had just finished uni... I felt empty, like I didn't have a future in my field or in anything really. I was bored with it. Even if I did great. And the dean was urging me to do my masters... I felt like there wasn't a point. I didn't know what I would write about. And the last trimester had been extremely difficult. I had lost my long time bf, I was very depressed, and I felt I had no future here. I didn't want to be here.
I wanted to get free!!!! I wanted to get away from my parents, keeping me in this perpetual state of childhood. I wanted to get away from their manipulations, from my past with dad. I wanted to stand on my own and be happy for the first time in my life!
So, when my friend and sudo-bf Y asked if I wanted to go and do a cross north American climbing trip with him. It was my way out.
It was supposed to be only for the summer, but in my mind, I had already made the decision that, if all worked out, I would never, ever come back home. Of course, I didn't tell anyone. Not even this Y guy. I left my room, full, with all my stuff. I left my mom. She was crying. I think, somehow she knew.
It hurt me. I knew she would somewhat shun me for this when she would learn, and I knew my dad too. But I even though I cared, it was to disorienting and entangling to stay here.
1. Where are you at this moment?
At my mom's place. We are having a little party for our departure. My mom is distressed. But she tries and look happy for me.
2. How old are you and what do you look like?
I am 23. I am glowing! I have a picture of this and I find I look beautiful and shinny. Ah!
3. Who is there with you, or supposed to be there with you?
My mom, Y, and I. I wish my dad and my brother were there, but they had more important things to do [sarcasm].
4. What is happening that makes this moment so significant?
It feel like a rebirth. the beginning of the end of grief. I feel freeeeeeeeee. They can't hold me down anymore!
5. What emotions or change of emotions are you experiencing at this time?
I feel power. A bit of fear too, that I will soon lose all ties to my past life. But mostly joy, that I am on my way to heal myself, by myself, for myself.
6. How would you change this situation if you could?
My dad and bro would be there, and all would be happy for me. Also, there would be a lot more friends. it would be a great party! No one crying. No "don't leave me' looks from my mom. Just happiness for me that I am doing what needs to be done. I am an adult, and I am free!
7. What is your mental/physical experience?
I feel clear minded. I have a real goal this time and I am making it happen. this goal is for no one else, for one of the first time in my life. I feel happy and can't wait to get started on my adventure! I feel that finally, life is ahead of me. My life, finally.
8. If you could speak to someone at this moment, who would it be? What would you say?
Mom: I am sorry that I am leaving you forever. Trust me, I love you so much, but it doesn't feel right to be here. To much pain. I know you never wanted to hurt me, but your weakness did just do that. I have always felt like you weren't really truly, proud of me. I was just a shadow of my brother. It's ok. I will come back from time to time, but as an adult. Please don't shun me. I know you will, but, somehow, what's the difference? I was never truly 'your girl. So, unfortunately, I am not losing anything.
Dad: You have been acting like a baby all my life. Like a victim even though, truly, you were a real monster. I could never count on you. When you offered some minimal help, there was always strings attached, manipulations, and fear. Like I owed you so much more. You want me to forget what you did to me. But I wont. Instead, I will forgive you. but later. Why should I feel guilt? because you do? Why should I feel life is a burden? because you do! Why should I not leave you? You have nothing to offer as a father. Your love is so twisted and needy, it's not love. If you continue to treat me like garbage, you will lose me completely. I have the big end of the stick now. You should be here now, but you are not. Thanks for your support [sarcasm].
Brother: I know you love me, but you are ashamed of me. I know we have a lot to say to each other, yet, we never talk. I feel like you're a distant cousin. Now, you aren't here again. You are hiding. You don't know what to say. As always. I am afraid to lose you. We've never began to be real bro and sis. I know you'll never come to see me. You'll never call. I wish we were closer. I love you. Regardless.
9. What are you saying to yourself?
I have no family. No one truly loves me or supports me for me! What's the point. I will heal myself. I have to do this.
10. What do you need right now more than anything else?
Love and support for my decision.
1. How do you feel now?
2. What emotions are you now having?
3. What are you telling yourself about these events today?
It was the decision I had to take at the time. So that I realize I could make it on my own.
4. What power and self-determination did you lose or gain to this event? What did you learn?
I gain control over my own life. Removing myself from an unhealthy environment was what I had to do and I did it. I learned that people might not support my dreams but I can still do them. Even if it's painful. I learned that it is extremely difficult to get untangled. I learn that what I want isn't what they want. I learned that I need support but never got it and it's what makes it still hard today. I learned that I have taken a lot of decisions in my life from the point of view that there's no other choice. I learned that I move only when I am at the total end of my rope. When there's nothing else to hold on to. I learned that I latch onto other people without them knowing, for making my dreams happen because I fear I can't do it alone. I learned that I wanted to be an adult.