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10 moments. Moving and never coming back


tourdelove

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When I was 23, I had just finished uni... I felt empty, like I didn't have a future in my field or in anything really. I was bored with it. Even if I did great. And the dean was urging me to do my masters... I felt like there wasn't a point. I didn't know what I would write about. And the last trimester had been extremely difficult. I had lost my long time bf, I was very depressed, and I felt I had no future here. I didn't want to be here.

I wanted to get free!!!! I wanted to get away from my parents, keeping me in this perpetual state of childhood. I wanted to get away from their manipulations, from my past with dad. I wanted to stand on my own and be happy for the first time in my life!

So, when my friend and sudo-bf Y asked if I wanted to go and do a cross north American climbing trip with him. It was my way out.

It was supposed to be only for the summer, but in my mind, I had already made the decision that, if all worked out, I would never, ever come back home. Of course, I didn't tell anyone. Not even this Y guy. I left my room, full, with all my stuff. I left my mom. She was crying. I think, somehow she knew.

It hurt me. I knew she would somewhat shun me for this when she would learn, and I knew my dad too. But I even though I cared, it was to disorienting and entangling to stay here.

1. Where are you at this moment?

At my mom's place. We are having a little party for our departure. My mom is distressed. But she tries and look happy for me.

2. How old are you and what do you look like?

I am 23. I am glowing! I have a picture of this and I find I look beautiful and shinny. Ah!

3. Who is there with you, or supposed to be there with you?

My mom, Y, and I. I wish my dad and my brother were there, but they had more important things to do [sarcasm].

4. What is happening that makes this moment so significant?

It feel like a rebirth. the beginning of the end of grief. I feel freeeeeeeeee. They can't hold me down anymore!

5. What emotions or change of emotions are you experiencing at this time?

I feel power. A bit of fear too, that I will soon lose all ties to my past life. But mostly joy, that I am on my way to heal myself, by myself, for myself.

6. How would you change this situation if you could?

My dad and bro would be there, and all would be happy for me. Also, there would be a lot more friends. it would be a great party! No one crying. No "don't leave me' looks from my mom. Just happiness for me that I am doing what needs to be done. I am an adult, and I am free!

7. What is your mental/physical experience?

I feel clear minded. I have a real goal this time and I am making it happen. this goal is for no one else, for one of the first time in my life. I feel happy and can't wait to get started on my adventure! I feel that finally, life is ahead of me. My life, finally.

8. If you could speak to someone at this moment, who would it be? What would you say?

Mom: I am sorry that I am leaving you forever. Trust me, I love you so much, but it doesn't feel right to be here. To much pain. I know you never wanted to hurt me, but your weakness did just do that. I have always felt like you weren't really truly, proud of me. I was just a shadow of my brother. It's ok. I will come back from time to time, but as an adult. Please don't shun me. I know you will, but, somehow, what's the difference? I was never truly 'your girl. So, unfortunately, I am not losing anything.

Dad: You have been acting like a baby all my life. Like a victim even though, truly, you were a real monster. I could never count on you. When you offered some minimal help, there was always strings attached, manipulations, and fear. Like I owed you so much more. You want me to forget what you did to me. But I wont. Instead, I will forgive you. but later. Why should I feel guilt? because you do? Why should I feel life is a burden? because you do! Why should I not leave you? You have nothing to offer as a father. Your love is so twisted and needy, it's not love. If you continue to treat me like garbage, you will lose me completely. I have the big end of the stick now. You should be here now, but you are not. Thanks for your support [sarcasm].

Brother: I know you love me, but you are ashamed of me. I know we have a lot to say to each other, yet, we never talk. I feel like you're a distant cousin. Now, you aren't here again. You are hiding. You don't know what to say. As always. I am afraid to lose you. We've never began to be real bro and sis. I know you'll never come to see me. You'll never call. I wish we were closer. I love you. Regardless.

9. What are you saying to yourself?

I have no family. No one truly loves me or supports me for me! What's the point. I will heal myself. I have to do this.

10. What do you need right now more than anything else?

Love and support for my decision.

--

1. How do you feel now?

Sad.

2. What emotions are you now having?

Sadness

3. What are you telling yourself about these events today?

It was the decision I had to take at the time. So that I realize I could make it on my own.

4. What power and self-determination did you lose or gain to this event? What did you learn?

I gain control over my own life. Removing myself from an unhealthy environment was what I had to do and I did it. I learned that people might not support my dreams but I can still do them. Even if it's painful. I learned that it is extremely difficult to get untangled. I learn that what I want isn't what they want. I learned that I need support but never got it and it's what makes it still hard today. I learned that I have taken a lot of decisions in my life from the point of view that there's no other choice. I learned that I move only when I am at the total end of my rope. When there's nothing else to hold on to. I learned that I latch onto other people without them knowing, for making my dreams happen because I fear I can't do it alone. I learned that I wanted to be an adult.

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Like I said, I move when I am at the total end of my rope. That's how I have operated all my life. I don't see opportunity, or didn't. Decisions are the most difficult things for me. I prefer not to make them. I always hope that I'll be 'lucky' and have somebody to move me right along.

This is something I am trying to change. Taking decision regardless of not knowing what the future will truly be. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway. I have a lot of fear in me. Of not fulfilling my life. A lot of regrets of not going after my dreams. Because I had huge dreams...

But this has go to be one of the most significant times in my life. I did it because I had someone to hold my hand in a way. But, I have to give myself a little bit of credit for doing it I suppose.

Right now, I am a bit emotional...

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Well, I don't feel really courageous. [oh god, crying now...jeez. I had buried this so far.] I never had for the real big things in life, like this one, as I needed [and still do feel like I need someone to hold my hand like a child when I take a real big decision].

Ironically, I have felt really courageous at other times, or at least tried to demonstrate courage...To myself I guess. When I protected my girl friends walking in some weird streets at night while they were all drunk...and some weird cars were following us.... I have tried to do a lot of prowesses, in the mountains. Climbing big routes, scary mountains, hucking myself off mountains in a paraglider, on and on and on... But this came to an halt three years ago. I didn't want this time of 'fear' anymore. It is just crazy distraction from the real things that needed attention in my life. I had become so intensily stresses, depressed, anxious at that time that I couldn't get into my paraglider anymore.

My father is the same. In is life, his a real freakin pussy, but he'll drive at a thousand ks an hour, climb a tree with chainsaw in hand, all sorts of silly things.

Courage. Yeah. It can be misinterpreted.

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Well, there's courage then and there's courage now.

What do you want from yourself, you were just a kid, and you needed to get away.

I was talking about the courage to face this memory ...

It is a matter of perspective. I see climbing a tree with a chain saw as stupid, and with my coordination, suicidal.

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ah ah ! I know, althought I am not really proud of this, and what my dad does as well. And a lot of people in his family are like that too. We try and fell good about our recklessness by justifying it with our ancestry... His family is, and always has been just a bunch of hoodlums from France that moved to Canada 400 years ago... Probably all a bunch of drunken convicts for men, and prostitutes for women... And also, one of those Canadian explorers... Which we try and highlight as the only good part of our family history...

Yeah the courage to face this moment. I have to do this because my T doesn't want to see me until I am done with this homework... So again, someone is holding my hand.

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You are courageous, tour. What's wrong with someone holding your hand? Aren't we supposed to be relational creatures, supporting one another? It's tough making your way in the world. Families can be a really strange environment. I think they get so way off because so many are so dang unconscious. Kids are just supposed to grow up without anyone having to think about what they need mentally [sarcasm]. It's not so complicated, really. But when generation after generation hasn't figured it out, the cluelessness just keeps getting passed along.............

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Yeah, This is how I see it too!!!!! It's the reason I could forgive my parents for what they did. Maybe they did what they did, and they are at fault for not fixing themselves before dragging their own kids into this turmoil, but, there's generations upon generations of build up to this for sure!

My mom always tried to excuse my dad's behavior by telling us 'he had such a rough life, and a difficult childhood', which made me have strange mix feelings at the time, I felt like I was a burden for being 'a difficult child' [which wasn't true], I felt like my life was doomed like I was going to be damaged forever [which is the reason I got out of there when I had an opportunity] and there was no solutions, I felt angry at my parents for finding excuses, and then finally, I began to see that I could be the one breaking this chain of pain!

but that was only after I moved out here. when I was 26 or something... I began to see the possibility that I could change myself. At first, I didn't know what to do exactly. But then I slowly started to change... A long route. But, I am almost there, I feel.

I made a pack with myself that this is were the hurt would stop in this family, for both my mom's family [she had a rough, rough one too], and my dad's. I am taking it upon myself to do so.

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That probably didn't come out right. What I mean by that is, when I work with kids, it is so easy really to see what they need. It is not mysterious for the most part. Love, listening, structure, education, food, shelter. It gets hard when there is too much going on to manage. Like your previous blog, simplicity is lost sight of in the too muchness of things. Our parents got lost in being overwhelmed.

Maybe I'm being a dork, but with the right amount of support, does this have to be as hard as we think?

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No, No, by all means, your question and comments are so welcome and meaningful to me! You are not being a dork, I do understand what you mean.

I don't think it is difficult per se. It becomes difficult when a parent or a parent figure didn't do his or her own self growth to become aware of their own problems and their own trauma and isn't able to give this unconditional love.

It is difficult in a way to give unconditional love to a child. I can only imagine. Even more difficult when you didn't receive it yourself. Raising children, I would imagine, would bring back all sorts of turmoil of how one didn't get what he/she needed as they grew up. The parent may see the child as being difficult, as asking too much, as being 'unreasonable', as being 'bad' if they are not in tune with their own sense of loss, their own grief and past pain.

But, once someone has mostly overcome all this and can differentiate between what wrong had been done to them in the past, and what is the present. That no child is ever evil. That there is a way to be unconditionally loving, yet gently reprimanding a child, then it can happen. And it does happen a whole lot more than we think.

I used to think I couldn't have children. I use to think I would probably be mean to them, or love them wrong. But now I know it won't happen. Maybe I'll do mistakes. Yes. Very possible. But I know now that my past is mostly dealt with. The chains are mostly broken, and I know I will be able to offer true love and support to a child.

So, all in all, what I am saying is, it is hard. Yes, I am sure it is, even if I don't have children at the moment. It requires a lot of energy, focus, and looking within yourself. And at the same time, like you said, it is easy. All these things that you mentioned. It is what we all need to grow healthy isn't it? And if one pays attention to this most of the time, the children will grow healthily. I do think so truly. There's no need to be afraid to do wrong.

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Well, first, just because you're as much of a procrastinator as I am, you're still doing a pretty terrific job with these, and I'll tell you why.

Honesty. You're not just going through the motions. I may try to write in my blog and tell stories, but I always have the shield of humor. I can write them the way I want, and I do it at least partly for effect. You're doing the exercise the way it was meant to be, looking at both sides clearly. I never got all the way through the Self Matters exercises, much less doing it publicly.

Don't try to deflect a compliment if it's true. :-P

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Well, I only do it because I have to, otherwise I am cut off my T. She's though that one... I mean, I know she'll let me see her if I really need to, but right now she's like: 'did you do it? No? grrrrrrrr'

I am not a big fan of this McGraw dude. Sensationalist I find... But I am willing to trust that there's some good in that. There seem to be. About the 'public' thing... I don't write every single thing here. You should see my notebook.

But writing here, is only because it forces me to have 'witnesses'. I am a real big procrastinator. And I will try every which way I know to counter act this behavior, even if it makes me look silly or an exhibitionist. Maybe this blog isn't for this... I don't know. In my mind it is. Heck, if it helps, I will use it. Maybe I am self centered. But maybe I won't be self centered the rest of my life if I just allow it to get out. I guess that's what happens when you've been ignored most of your life. Ah!

About the stories I wrote on your blog, and others. I think it's the only way I can relate it to real events that I hope might help others. Maybe it's academia. You have to sort of elaborate on your point with either metaphors, analogies, or facts... I guess I am a debator. And I love when others tell a story as well. But, it may be too much? Am I embarrasing myself here? :)

Let me know

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Yup, that's my reaction to Dr. Phil, exactly.

Doesn't make him a complete idiot ... :-)

(I keep telling 'star', no one's complete.)

Not embarrassing you at all, as far as I'm concerned.

Like I've said, I'm impressed. Hope that's not embarrassing.

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No, thank you. I guess, I am trying to read between the lines. Sometimes I read off the page. It's an old habit... Not that it works or anything [rolling eyes].

Once I can be concise, that'll be real improvement. ahaha! I think I would have failed my masters degree. 'What do you mean 200 pages? That's way too short.' Kiddin

But regardless. Hope more stories will come out of your bloggy too mister. And everyone else too, that way I wont stand out as 'hey wordy! s'up!'

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