God, tour.

What a memory.

I wish I could face mine with the same courage.

Like I said, I move when I am at the total end of my rope. That's how I have operated all my life. I don't see opportunity, or didn't. Decisions are the most difficult things for me. I prefer not to make them. I always hope that I'll be 'lucky' and have somebody to move me right along.

This is something I am trying to change. Taking decision regardless of not knowing what the future will truly be. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway. I have a lot of fear in me. Of not fulfilling my life. A lot of regrets of not going after my dreams. Because I had huge dreams...

But this has go to be one of the most significant times in my life. I did it because I had someone to hold my hand in a way. But, I have to give myself a little bit of credit for doing it I suppose.

Right now, I am a bit emotional...

Of course you are.

And those are exactly the times when words fail me, when they might be of some help to someone.

Courage, see? I envy yours.

Well, I don't feel really courageous. [oh god, crying now...jeez. I had buried this so far.] I never had for the real big things in life, like this one, as I needed [and still do feel like I need someone to hold my hand like a child when I take a real big decision].

Ironically, I have felt really courageous at other times, or at least tried to demonstrate courage...To myself I guess. When I protected my girl friends walking in some weird streets at night while they were all drunk...and some weird cars were following us.... I have tried to do a lot of prowesses, in the mountains. Climbing big routes, scary mountains, hucking myself off mountains in a paraglider, on and on and on... But this came to an halt three years ago. I didn't want this time of 'fear' anymore. It is just crazy distraction from the real things that needed attention in my life. I had become so intensily stresses, depressed, anxious at that time that I couldn't get into my paraglider anymore.

My father is the same. In is life, his a real freakin pussy, but he'll drive at a thousand ks an hour, climb a tree with chainsaw in hand, all sorts of silly things.

Courage. Yeah. It can be misinterpreted.

Well, there's courage then and there's courage now.

What do you want from yourself, you were just a kid, and you needed to get away.

I was talking about the courage to face this memory ...

It is a matter of perspective. I see climbing a tree with a chain saw as stupid, and with my coordination, suicidal.

ah ah ! I know, althought I am not really proud of this, and what my dad does as well. And a lot of people in his family are like that too. We try and fell good about our recklessness by justifying it with our ancestry... His family is, and always has been just a bunch of hoodlums from France that moved to Canada 400 years ago... Probably all a bunch of drunken convicts for men, and prostitutes for women... And also, one of those Canadian explorers... Which we try and highlight as the only good part of our family history...

Yeah the courage to face this moment. I have to do this because my T doesn't want to see me until I am done with this homework... So again, someone is holding my hand.

How can you envy my courage? You do the same and face your stuff!

You are courageous, tour. What's wrong with someone holding your hand? Aren't we supposed to be relational creatures, supporting one another? It's tough making your way in the world. Families can be a really strange environment. I think they get so way off because so many are so dang unconscious. Kids are just supposed to grow up without anyone having to think about what they need mentally [sarcasm]. It's not so complicated, really. But when generation after generation hasn't figured it out, the cluelessness just keeps getting passed along.............

Yeah, This is how I see it too!!!!! It's the reason I could forgive my parents for what they did. Maybe they did what they did, and they are at fault for not fixing themselves before dragging their own kids into this turmoil, but, there's generations upon generations of build up to this for sure!

My mom always tried to excuse my dad's behavior by telling us 'he had such a rough life, and a difficult childhood', which made me have strange mix feelings at the time, I felt like I was a burden for being 'a difficult child' [which wasn't true], I felt like my life was doomed like I was going to be damaged forever [which is the reason I got out of there when I had an opportunity] and there was no solutions, I felt angry at my parents for finding excuses, and then finally, I began to see that I could be the one breaking this chain of pain!

but that was only after I moved out here. when I was 26 or something... I began to see the possibility that I could change myself. At first, I didn't know what to do exactly. But then I slowly started to change... A long route. But, I am almost there, I feel.

I made a pack with myself that this is were the hurt would stop in this family, for both my mom's family [she had a rough, rough one too], and my dad's. I am taking it upon myself to do so.

And that is courageous, to stop that pattern.

Having made that pact, may I ask you and me both, does it have to be difficult? Does being awake have to be hard?

That probably didn't come out right. What I mean by that is, when I work with kids, it is so easy really to see what they need. It is not mysterious for the most part. Love, listening, structure, education, food, shelter. It gets hard when there is too much going on to manage. Like your previous blog, simplicity is lost sight of in the too muchness of things. Our parents got lost in being overwhelmed.

Maybe I'm being a dork, but with the right amount of support, does this have to be as hard as we think?

No, No, by all means, your question and comments are so welcome and meaningful to me! You are not being a dork, I do understand what you mean.

I don't think it is difficult per se. It becomes difficult when a parent or a parent figure didn't do his or her own self growth to become aware of their own problems and their own trauma and isn't able to give this unconditional love.

It is difficult in a way to give unconditional love to a child. I can only imagine. Even more difficult when you didn't receive it yourself. Raising children, I would imagine, would bring back all sorts of turmoil of how one didn't get what he/she needed as they grew up. The parent may see the child as being difficult, as asking too much, as being 'unreasonable', as being 'bad' if they are not in tune with their own sense of loss, their own grief and past pain.

But, once someone has mostly overcome all this and can differentiate between what wrong had been done to them in the past, and what is the present. That no child is ever evil. That there is a way to be unconditionally loving, yet gently reprimanding a child, then it can happen. And it does happen a whole lot more than we think.

I used to think I couldn't have children. I use to think I would probably be mean to them, or love them wrong. But now I know it won't happen. Maybe I'll do mistakes. Yes. Very possible. But I know now that my past is mostly dealt with. The chains are mostly broken, and I know I will be able to offer true love and support to a child.

So, all in all, what I am saying is, it is hard. Yes, I am sure it is, even if I don't have children at the moment. It requires a lot of energy, focus, and looking within yourself. And at the same time, like you said, it is easy. All these things that you mentioned. It is what we all need to grow healthy isn't it? And if one pays attention to this most of the time, the children will grow healthily. I do think so truly. There's no need to be afraid to do wrong.

Well, first, just because you're as much of a procrastinator as I am, you're still doing a pretty terrific job with these, and I'll tell you why.

Honesty. You're not just going through the motions. I may try to write in my blog and tell stories, but I always have the shield of humor. I can write them the way I want, and I do it at least partly for effect. You're doing the exercise the way it was meant to be, looking at both sides clearly. I never got all the way through the Self Matters exercises, much less doing it publicly.

Don't try to deflect a compliment if it's true. :-P

Well, I only do it because I have to, otherwise I am cut off my T. She's though that one... I mean, I know she'll let me see her if I really need to, but right now she's like: 'did you do it? No? grrrrrrrr'

I am not a big fan of this McGraw dude. Sensationalist I find... But I am willing to trust that there's some good in that. There seem to be. About the 'public' thing... I don't write every single thing here. You should see my notebook.

But writing here, is only because it forces me to have 'witnesses'. I am a real big procrastinator. And I will try every which way I know to counter act this behavior, even if it makes me look silly or an exhibitionist. Maybe this blog isn't for this... I don't know. In my mind it is. Heck, if it helps, I will use it. Maybe I am self centered. But maybe I won't be self centered the rest of my life if I just allow it to get out. I guess that's what happens when you've been ignored most of your life. Ah!

About the stories I wrote on your blog, and others. I think it's the only way I can relate it to real events that I hope might help others. Maybe it's academia. You have to sort of elaborate on your point with either metaphors, analogies, or facts... I guess I am a debator. And I love when others tell a story as well. But, it may be too much? Am I embarrasing myself here?

Let me know

Yup, that's my reaction to Dr. Phil, exactly.

Doesn't make him a complete idiot ... :-)

(I keep telling 'star', no one's complete.)

Not embarrassing you at all, as far as I'm concerned.

Like I've said, I'm impressed. Hope that's not embarrassing.

No, thank you. I guess, I am trying to read between the lines. Sometimes I read off the page. It's an old habit... Not that it works or anything [rolling eyes].

Once I can be concise, that'll be real improvement. ahaha! I think I would have failed my masters degree. 'What do you mean 200 pages? That's way too short.' Kiddin

But regardless. Hope more stories will come out of your bloggy too mister. And everyone else too, that way I wont stand out as 'hey wordy! s'up!'