When I was 21 [i Think], I had unprotected sex with two guys, already. Suddenly, the possibility that I could have AIDS entered my mind and made me extremely sick.
I thought about it every night. I had somehow decided that I truly had aids. I couldn't sleep at night and imagine what I would have to do once I had the result and would have to tell people. I imagine losing everyone around me and slowly dying. Becoming extremely sick... I imagined my mom being all sad and disappointed in me. I imagine not going out for fear of catching anything or having to explain to boys I couldn't do anything with them because I had aids. On an on and on. So much so, that at one point I had this constant look of fear and sadness in my face, and my mom asked me 'what is wrong? tell me' I couln't for a while, and then I finally told her that I had gone for a test, and was expecting the results and I was extremely scared. By then, I put myself in such a mental state that I had irritated bowl syndrome to top it off.
I got the results. Mom came with me. And found out I didn't have it! After that I decided I would always make the guy put on a condom. Or have them do a test. I was like the age of inocence was over...
1. Where are you at this moment
In the Doc's office
2. How old are you and what do you look like?
I am about 21. I feel like twelve. So intensily scared and paranoid I was sick to my stomack. and so sad because I already thought I had it
3. Who is there with you, or supposed to be there with you?
My mom, the doc.
4. What is happening that makes this moment so significant?
I truly thought my life was over, almost out of nowhere. I had this intense fear, couldn't face it, yet let it take over completely, felt trapped with no solution. Catastrophe. I had this intense feeling or belief that because I thought something terrible was about to hapen it would. And I still believe this to this day. When a thought of a catastrophe enters my mind. I instenly think it is going to happen and then my mind looks for all the confirmation that this is happening.
5. What emotions or change of emotions are you experiencing at this time?
6. How would you change this situation if you could?
Just get a test right away, and constantly reminding myself that just because I think the worst, it isn't going t make it magically happen. But I still struggle with this a lot.
7. What is your mental/physical experience?
out of body experience. numbness. almost fainting at the thought. A start of irritable bowl syndrome.
8. If you could speak to someone at this moment, who would it be? What would you say?
I would tell myself the above. I would tell my mom why I feel so sad. I would get some mental help. I would tell my bf to get a test and put on a condom
9. What are you saying to yourself?
That I am doomed to great pain and agony in my life. There are no solutions. Just enduring. What I feel is going to happen, the worst is happening. prepare for the worst. You are doomed. It's because you didn't follow what everyone tells you to do, you didn't do what you should have done. You didn't do what was right, you know it and this is why you are punished with the consequences. You are such an idiot! You should have known. You owe t be ashamed of yourself for ever.
1. How do you feel now?
Still, like I don't know what to do with these thoughts.
2. What emotions are you now having?
A sense that I need to work on this still. A bit of fear that this can happen again. A fear that I don't do what I have to do and put myself into these situation, instead of thinking about what this state of mind does to me.
3.What are you telling yourself about these events today?
That this is a sort of mental game I put myself through since I was a teen and developed into an obsession. A magical belief that I thought would help me prepare for the worst case senario so above and beyond that I couldn't fail. I remember using this kind of thinking to get myself to study before an exam in uni. I remember I always feared for the worst when I was a child because of my father... and also how, himself he reacted to things. I feel like I've learned this from him. but also from my mom and her intense sense of what should be done... and that I don't do.... But instead, now I realize tht these thoughts paralize me instead of pushing me to a solution.
4. What power and self-determination did you lose or gain to this event? What did you learn?
That I could do something about it. Refusing to see the good in situation in order to push myself to do something. I lost hope.