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10 moments. making sense of it all.


tourdelove

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1. Sex with Charles

14. I thought I had no choice bu to do this in order to feel as a cool, worthy teenage girl. Because I felt nerdy and not sexy.

1.2. Identify the before and after in your self concept. Which aspect of your self concept was impacted [self confidence, sense of peace, hopes, ambition, joy, love]

Before: I felt like an innocent pre-teen girl who had no clue and was nerdy

After: I felt like I had lost my innocence. That it didn't really up my self esteem, I realized that I had made a mistake. I realized that it's not because I had sex that I was going to be loved.

3. How has this moment affected me long term?

As a result of this event, I have lived my life with the tendency to think that men are only interested in pretty girls that bring them pleasure. I looked at this experience like a failure to please. But I also feel that sex is one of the most enjoyable things in life. As a result of this event, I have tended to think that I needed men to find me attractive and constantly fear rejection on that basis. As a result of this, I have tended to jump into bed too kick with men and try and perform. As a consequence of this, I have tended to imagine that sex and pleasing someone sexually and be attractive was much more important than anything else and I have tended to neglect other aspects of relationships. As a result of this, I have tended to look for good looking, sexual types of men with large penises and though that nothing else would satisfy me.

4. How and why I think the moment either clarified or distorted My authentic self.

It clarified that I enjoyed sex very much. But it distorted my authentic self because I thought no guys would hold out for me if I wasn't sexually obliging enough. It distorted my sense of self in the way that I expected men to not care about other aspects of me. It distorted my sense of self by making me think I needed to have men in my life to be a worthwhile person.

5. Decide whether or not I believe my interpretation was and is accurate or inaccurate.

Now I know that my interpretations were mostly wrong. I know that I looked for good things in men. I want sexual pleasure, but not at all costs. Now I know that I am a worthwhile person who can decide when I am comfortable to be sexual with a man. I know that if a man can't hold out, He lacks character because it will happen and I know,at least I can be good in bed. But most importantly, I realize I still need to work on my communication skills and make sure I am respected for who I am.

6. Is this something I should keep or reject in regards to my concept of self.

It's something I should reject. I know that I am attractive to men. But I need to understand there's more about me. I am interested in the men I date, what they do... I feel they should to.

---

2. Dad finding out I wished he'd died.

Admitting to myself that the pain was so intense that I wish my dad would just die. And I wanted to see his reaction when he did find out.

2.2. Identify the before and after in your self concept. Which aspect of your self concept was impacted [self confidence, sense of peace, hopes, ambition, joy, love].

Before: Denying anger at dad. I am no good.

After: Open anger at dad. I can see the reality. I am lonely and feel like I'll be screwed up because of my dad.

3. How has this moment affected me long term?

I feel like I have no real good relationship in my life. I feel lonely and that I need to get myself better and it's an uphill battle.

4. How and why I think the moment either clarified or distorted My authentic self.

I feel that it distorts my authentic self because I don't want to be angry all the time and feel damage. The damage is there but it's only a part of me, yet I think it my whole self.

5. Decide whether or not I believe my interpretation was and is accurate or inaccurate.

6. Is this something I should keep or reject in regards to my concept of self.

3. Mom getting separated.

feeling of anger towards my mom, but not acknowledging it. Feeling that this was going to be the start of getting better and feeling less pain, and then realizing that I was not as wanted as my brother.

4. Making decision to be outdoorsy

Rejecting old self image of drugs and doing what I want and gaining self confidence about my choices.

5. Getting Seb

Feeling like I was someone because I got a good looking guy. But feeling so dependent on him. Trying constantly to figure out what he wanted. Fearing losing him. Feeling not good enough.

6. Going to BC alone.

Feeling great that I put a plan and a dream in action. But at the same time feeling isolated from other girls. Feeling like an outcast. Feeling entitled and overly proud and lonely and not popular enough at the same time. Like I was trying to demonstrate something. that I didn't need anyone.

7. Losing Seb.

Feeling devastated that this proved I was not good enough despite all my efforts, that I wasn't pretty enough and should only look for underdogs for now on.

8. Moving to Ab

Feeling great about the adventure, but at the same time, wanting my parents to pay for the pain. Hoping to show to myself that I could survive completely alone, that I was as capable as the rest of them, even though, deep down, I felt like I was totally incapable.

9. Deciding to do design

Feeling great about finally getting into a 'career' that match my ability and making me feel good about who I was. Feeling entitled that I had such great talent and smarts, I deserved to get all these great jobs. Frustrated that I had crappy jobs. Fearful that I wasn't going to make it.

10. Getting fired from Video Store.

Feeling entitled because I am so much smarter than the rest of them, but feeling that I have no social skills and ashamed of myself and that my future was doomed because of that. That I deserved to be fired.

11. Thinking I had AIDS

holding on so thigh to this belief that if I think something bad is going to happen, it is happening. Being paralyzed to the point of sickness. Doomed.

12. thinking I had H

feeling doomed to the point of sickness. Paralyzed. Intense fear of being alone and never finding a fulfilling love again. Feeling completely angry at myself for letting this happen. Intense fear of getting tested. Of people finding out. Feeling I must resign myself to being completely along and abandon sex for the rest of my life.

13. Getting job at traction

feeling like I finally had accomplished something, but not confident in myself and ashamed that I didn't have the correct education. Feeling like no one listen to me. Like my dream of being recognize isn't going to happen.

14. Losing weight with WW

Feeling very proud and sexy, truly sexy for the first time in my life! Feeling that if I can't ever have a relationship again, at least I am going to get guys to look at me and get satisfaction from that. Feeling like I could finally accomplish some goal.

15. Leaving origin

Intense pain and shame. Fear that my career was over and that rumors would destroy my social and all my other potential work opportunities. feeling entitled and frustrated. Like I am never there at the right time.

16. Leaving Marty

Feeling like I am never going to find love again in this area. Sadness. Feeling like I have failed because I can't communicate properly. Intensely alone and feeling like people are going to find out about h.

17. Getting dumped by chad.

Once again, feeling great but dependent and not worthy of such a great guy. Obsession. Trying to get him back. Feeling that I am inadequate because I don't do what I have to do. don't have my shit together.

18. Losing job at Vision

Feeling like I did something wrong and deserved it because I don't have social skills. Entitled and resentment. Feeling of shame because I got laid off and not Romy. Feeling like the economy is making it hopeless for me to find another job. feeling like all my goals and dreams are doomed and I don't know why. Feeling ashamed that I don't have money.

19. Breaking shoulder

Feeling very scared that my hopes and dreams of a career I had made a choice on isn't going to happen once again. Feeling in limbo as to what to do next. Insecurity about the financial future.

20. Yannick

Feeling great about finding someone that attracts me yet isn't freaking me out because too over my head. Feeling sad because he has a . Wondering why I always get such weird predicaments. Wondering if I should leave him. Fearing he will leave me. Jealousy for Andrea.

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