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Lonely


tourdelove

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Ok, it's Saturday and. I have no plans. I can't see my 4 friends that I usually see. M-ski is in Calgary. A is in Oregon. Mark is in Vegas, and R, well she's at home but with her stupid boyfriend. And the guy I am seeing didn't make any allusions what so ever to getting with me this weekend. I am a bit sad. I don't really want to call him up: "hey, hello, I am lonely and needy right now, can I see you, because I have nothing going on in my life."

Yesterday, I went to this house/pool party with R...At her hoodloom friends. I didn't really want to go but I felt like I wanted to hang out with her and I had nothing better to do. Anyway, when I arrived at her place to pick her up, she was already drunk. She had been at some other party where her BF left her by herself, to go get drugs, and never came back. Great.

Anyway, we go to the pool party where it's all 25 years old people. ugh. There's nothing wrong with 25 y/os, its just that I'd like to hang out with people my own age these days. Meet people I can build a new friendship with...

So we are there for a bit.. Then he drunk / drugged up bf shows up, and some other guy that likes her is there too. Tension.

The guy that likes her tries to trow her in the pool, and she ends up falling on her head. People are panicking, someone asks me 'did you see R, OMG, where is she, OMG" all f* up. I know somethings going on at that point so I run around trying to find her.

She's on the road. With the BF who's panicking and crying and wanting to kill the other guy. Can you say DRAMA?

So, me, sober and all. I have to take care of her now. Not that I mind. But the drama with the BF makes me mad. I finally assess that she's not really that injured. Everybody is like go to the Hospital! Running around like headless chickens. Anyway, we finally get rid of the BF. I take her for a ride in the car, to warm her up. She's so drunk and cold from being trown in the pool. We drive around. And then, I give her my speach. I tell her that her BF, even if it's not my business, is not good for her... Long discussion. I say, I am taking you home and leaving the BF here. Long discussion. So I take them both home. The BF insults me again in the car, he always tries to take out is anger on me. I swear to g, I was ready to just stop the car and leave him on the side of the road. I say to both of them 'enough already. I am so sick and tired of you guys drama! And I am sorry doug, but I am driving you home right now, I don't want to hear another word of abuse from you right now or you're walking. I mean it. I am just trying to take you home safe. Then I leave and that's it!' He apologises.

I leave their house. Start on the way home and stop at this beautiful field I like. And I start to cry. I feel so lonely all a sudden. Unfullfilled. I am tired of drunks. I feel like I have nothing going on for me. I try, and try to hold it together, but now. I give in.

Why haven't I planned anything fun for this weekend? Why do I rely on others to make me feel happy and plan my life? Why don't I call people and make plans instead of just at the last minute, because I feel lonely now?

I feel sad.

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yeah. It was. Now it's ok. I ended up going to my from corrine's little cabin in the woods for saturday night. that was fun. Hopefully it's a good day today... So sunny here. we'll see.

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You're so right guys! I think I'll just go to the lake today with a good book. It's sad but I can't hang out with my best friend anymore because of her silly boyfriend. He's just too disrespectful, and it makes me so sad and, yeah, angry at times to see them [well, mostly her, because I don't care so much about him anymore], be drunk and make each other jealous.

It's just so weird. I mean, she is solid in everything else. Disciplined. She does what she needs to do with her life... has everything under control, except her love affairs. You know, I always thought that it's only me, with all my childhood baggage that was going to get into weird sorts of predicaments in life... And I thought that because she has great parents, and a happy childhood, she would be well adjusted in all aspects of life... But life is more complicated than that, right. You never know why one person deals so well with one thing that you can't and another thing is such a big deal to them... I love her dearly and I don't know what to say to her. I gave her a speech on Friday but I kind of feel it's not my place to do so, but I hate seeing her being destroyed by this. And, in all honesty, it's also because he is disrespectful to me too that I would be glad if they'd split up. So I have to be careful to let my own needs overshadow hers, it's her decision all in all. To me, right now the only solution is that I don't see her when they are together. I just don't know what else to do.

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