Now I am on to the 7 critical choices I made in my life.
1. Making the choice to start Design.
2. Why did you make it? [what needs survival, security, self-esteem, love, self-expression, intellectual fulfillment, spiritual fulfillment]
I was tired of not doing anything in my life that was not in line with my talent. I felt like I had nothing to lose as I was already only making about 12$ /h.
A large part of this choice was a need to be respected by others as an adult.
3. What alternatives did you give up by making this choice?
Explore other avenue that would have been less stressful, go on a trip around the world [scary for me]
4. Where were you, in terms of your self-concept, immediately before this choice, an what was your self-concept after this choice? [maybe the choice had an impact on your sense of self-control, anxiety, ambition, pride, fear].
Before: low self esteem, I felt like I had no future.
After: my self-esteem got a big boost, and I had a lot of ambition, but I was also scared.
5.Long-term residual effect of that choice. [your expectations, assumptions, how it affected your behavior].
I expected much more of myself. and the world around me, it led me to overwork and be totally stressed out about not being able to live to the image I had created of me. I expected to do much bigger designs things, yet never implemented them, because I was scared to be alone. I became really frustrated and low self-esteem returned. When I 'lost' my job, I didn't know how to define myself anymore and felt ashamed. Overall, I felt really entitled because of my expectations of myself.
6. Write how and why you think the choice either clarified or distorted your authentic self. [did it contribute to your joy, peace, satisfaction... Or did you give up some of those things? What did you learn about yourself as a result of the choice?]
The choice clarified my authentic self in the way that I went for it despite major fear that I would not succeed. I caused major stress also. I don't really know what to do with this at this point, except I know now that I operate a lot from a 'fantasy' point of view. And the strategies I have used to propel myself forward were wrong, a lot of the time, thinking I was over this training, thinking that my ideas were just too good sometimes, or not good enough other times. Using weird 'magical thinking' to get there.
So, all in all it appears that, even though I do have talent in arts...The way I went about my career was wrong. From a narcissistic point of view, rather than real goals, real self knowledge, and real expectations, according to training and what was accomplished previously.
7. Review your interpretations of and reactions to the choice. Decide whether or not you believe your interpretation was and is accurate or inaccurate.
At the time, my interpretation was inaccurate, this is why it led to so much stress, even though I did have some successes, they were never enough for me.
My interpretation is a little better now, although I think incomplete still. Being narcissistic isn't exactly something you want to profess to the world... and it hurts.
I think I could have been happier in this profession if I would have acknowledge that it was ok to be where I was...