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A licence to hate.


tourdelove

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As I wrote and re-wrote all my lil life experiences and choices, there was a few things that became apparent.

1. when I was a kid. At a very young age, I remember realizing that I was angry at my dad. That I disrespected him, loathed him and saw him as a weak, pathetic 'self-proclaimed victim' who was in fact the aggressor. So very early on, I said to myself 'I have a reason to be angry, it is justified'. At that time, it was one of the solutions in order for me not to feel like I was going crazy. Because my other strategies of course, ranging from pretending I was 'somewhere else' [dissociating], or just being submissive and walking on eggshells, just drove me crazy. It's the anger that protected my sanity in a way, or this is how I chose to perceived it over time. But it turned against me once I became a teen, and it stayed with me through adulthood.

It sort of left me with a bitterness in my heart that resurfaced every time I perceived an injustice, either against me or someone I 'loved'. It made my anger almost uncontrollable at times. And it is far from being an adaptive behavior today! I can tell you that much.

Once the 'angry' switch was on. It was nearly impossible to turn off. I would try and try to reason myself. It didn't even matter if someone 'did' do something 'wrong' purposefully or not! I would respond with either sarcasm or passive-aggressive comments or behaviors... I would often feel like I was 'over' angry. I didn't know why. It just felt abnormal. Like I didn't know where it was coming from. Yet just the injustice felt enough for me to explode... It didn't lead to solutions. Just self-hatred in the end... When the anger was gone, I always realized I made a fool of myself.

2. And then there's a sense of entitlement. Yes, as ugly as it may sounds. I do feel it. Still. Sometimes. I remember several occasion where my dad demonstrated entitled sort of attitudes... I was ashamed for sure! But, somehow, I think it left an impression on me. That I "SHOULD" be treated better, that I was better? Better than all of this, all of them, and it's only because of a multitude of 'bad luck' or other people doing me wrong that I didn't succeed?

There's a lot of little pernicious examples like that that led to where I am now. Sort of feeling very capable...but at the same time, very incapable. Lots and lots of stories in my head right out of fantasy island. And then the 'shocking' real world! Where stuff doesn't just happens because I was wanting it to.

And it is hard to decide when you see everything as black and white. Do I 'deserve' it or don't? Am I good enough, or a complete good for nothing? Am I that good? Is it really important to live up to 'expectations' others, or my own, to my 'dreams', if those dreams are completely based in perfection.

It is ok to not succeed. Clearly. But when you have based all your life on 'I am and deserve the best'. What's the point, if you feel you aren't going to succeed. Black and white.

What's the point in making a real effort, in making plans to arrive to goals you've set for yourself, if

A] the 'real' goals you've set in your heart of heart are truly unattainable.

B] you're not even sure you can attain the little goals you've made for yourself in reality, because your heart isn't really into it, because, you're only into 'flash and awe'.

C] What's the point, if, when you arrive at the little realistic goal, you don't even feel satisfied. For some reason that completely escapes you.

Well, clearly the point is to come back to reality and stop fantasizing about lofty, whatever lala-land goals that wont come true and even if they did might not even satisfy by the sound of it! And how do you do that?

Huh? I don't know.

Maybe I should start by feeling successful when I attain my so-called 'lil' goals. Maybe I should celebrate. Maybe I should also ask myself what I truly want, and then tone it down a notch, to what is possible. Maybe I should start by seing reality and be grateful! For where I am, what I've done. Feeling grateful. Yeah. That's a start.

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Hi tour!!! I had the very same realization about anger. It happened in an Al-Anon meeting. I was preserving my sanity with it. My rage was pure and justified, I was pure and justified as long as I was angry. The crazy world made sense because what was happening was wrong. At that meeting I saw how anger was holding me together. And I also realized there were choices, that I could choose another way. How wild that was! Your life is based on something, then you shift, and it isn't anymore!

It is very unpopular to talk about a higher power around here I suppose, but that is definitely the path I took. Anger is unending; it will never be satisfied. That's why it can keep going and going in running your life. Spirit is unending too. The chances for spiritual connection in each moment you are alive never end. Put another way, Love never ends.

Hope I didn't offend you by talking about that!;-p

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No not at all Finding. That isn't offending in any way. I am not a religious person per se, but I am a spiritual person. Things can surely not be erased, but they can be forgiven. In others, but mostly in me.

I have just realized that my life was based a lot on 'not to trust'. Not to trust even myself, for fear i would do something wrong, go crazy, lash out, or simply not live up to my own expectations, or maybe even expectations of others.

I am just trying to be honest. I may be harsh. Yes. But, it is just that when somewhere somehow you expect the whole world to revolve around you, in a way, you're bound to feel disappointed every seconds of the day. And not try anymore.

It isn't that I completely don't try anymore. I am now trying more than ever. But in a more gentle way. Trying to see that I have dreams yes. But I can still try to set lil goals on a day to day basis, and let go of the outcome. And accepting that whatever may come is good. There is something that can be extracted from every experience and propel you further. Engaging in the action rather than using fantasy as a refuge from the world. Seing that the world is good and not that scary or humiliating. That I am human and that my life is good.

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Sounds like you are revolving with the world now instead of asking the world to revolve around you! I love to go for a walk in the woods and get completely absorbed in nature. There I find a loving hidden order much bigger than me that also includes me. From that meditation I am much better able to step out of the woods and into the "wilds" of humankind, looking there too for that loving hidden order that is bigger than me but includes me. Choices and goals take on a different meaning and a different satisfaction from that perspective. It feels more like an adventure with reality, less like me bending the world to my will to make my own little corner of it fit me.

I can only imagine the beauty of nature you have up there, tour! Nature's flash & awe must be everywhere!:(

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That is for sure! The natural flash and awe of nature is sure not to be forgotten! I have several little sport at the lake here that I go to when I am down or feel reflective... which is quite a lot these days...

In other news... Oh dear. It's difficult for me to stay focused on 'trust' in me and in this guy I am seeing right now. I know I am talking about it a lot. I am sorry to be annoying. but it preoccupies me quite a bit. Yesterday, I was on my friend's facebook and saw several picture of Y with this girl andrea... Her hand on his shoulder, and her leg wrapped around him, and him sitting below, holding her foot... Knife through the heart for me. The photo dates from just about the second week we were dating, and only had a first kiss... So, I guess it shouldn't be so disturbing to me, but it still is. I hate competition! But they seem to be almost closer than me and him.

He only wants to see me one day a week now it seems. And, I don't know... He his quite nice when I see him, but the sort of 'passion' that I'd wish for or that I think you should get in the first few months isn't there. It seems to be buffered up by this other girl in the picture...on his end at least.

I mean, good on him for having the choice I suppose, to go with her if it doesn't work out with me... He said that before he was always too shy to approach girls, so now that he has the choice because two girls at once like him, he finds himself happy that he can do that and have that, and that's taking away from his effort or eagerness with me at least.

I am in a holding pattern now with this. I feel sad about it. So much so that I wonder if I should abandon ship and call it quits before I get hurt too much.

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Yeah, he can be friendship material for sure. But I don't know if I want this at this point. I mean, I would like to explore things further with him... Maybe I want things to move forward to quick?

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