As I wrote and re-wrote all my lil life experiences and choices, there was a few things that became apparent.
1. when I was a kid. At a very young age, I remember realizing that I was angry at my dad. That I disrespected him, loathed him and saw him as a weak, pathetic 'self-proclaimed victim' who was in fact the aggressor. So very early on, I said to myself 'I have a reason to be angry, it is justified'. At that time, it was one of the solutions in order for me not to feel like I was going crazy. Because my other strategies of course, ranging from pretending I was 'somewhere else' [dissociating], or just being submissive and walking on eggshells, just drove me crazy. It's the anger that protected my sanity in a way, or this is how I chose to perceived it over time. But it turned against me once I became a teen, and it stayed with me through adulthood.
It sort of left me with a bitterness in my heart that resurfaced every time I perceived an injustice, either against me or someone I 'loved'. It made my anger almost uncontrollable at times. And it is far from being an adaptive behavior today! I can tell you that much.
Once the 'angry' switch was on. It was nearly impossible to turn off. I would try and try to reason myself. It didn't even matter if someone 'did' do something 'wrong' purposefully or not! I would respond with either sarcasm or passive-aggressive comments or behaviors... I would often feel like I was 'over' angry. I didn't know why. It just felt abnormal. Like I didn't know where it was coming from. Yet just the injustice felt enough for me to explode... It didn't lead to solutions. Just self-hatred in the end... When the anger was gone, I always realized I made a fool of myself.
2. And then there's a sense of entitlement. Yes, as ugly as it may sounds. I do feel it. Still. Sometimes. I remember several occasion where my dad demonstrated entitled sort of attitudes... I was ashamed for sure! But, somehow, I think it left an impression on me. That I "SHOULD" be treated better, that I was better? Better than all of this, all of them, and it's only because of a multitude of 'bad luck' or other people doing me wrong that I didn't succeed?
There's a lot of little pernicious examples like that that led to where I am now. Sort of feeling very capable...but at the same time, very incapable. Lots and lots of stories in my head right out of fantasy island. And then the 'shocking' real world! Where stuff doesn't just happens because I was wanting it to.
And it is hard to decide when you see everything as black and white. Do I 'deserve' it or don't? Am I good enough, or a complete good for nothing? Am I that good? Is it really important to live up to 'expectations' others, or my own, to my 'dreams', if those dreams are completely based in perfection.
It is ok to not succeed. Clearly. But when you have based all your life on 'I am and deserve the best'. What's the point, if you feel you aren't going to succeed. Black and white.
What's the point in making a real effort, in making plans to arrive to goals you've set for yourself, if
A] the 'real' goals you've set in your heart of heart are truly unattainable.
B] you're not even sure you can attain the little goals you've made for yourself in reality, because your heart isn't really into it, because, you're only into 'flash and awe'.
C] What's the point, if, when you arrive at the little realistic goal, you don't even feel satisfied. For some reason that completely escapes you.
Well, clearly the point is to come back to reality and stop fantasizing about lofty, whatever lala-land goals that wont come true and even if they did might not even satisfy by the sound of it! And how do you do that?
Huh? I don't know.
Maybe I should start by feeling successful when I attain my so-called 'lil' goals. Maybe I should celebrate. Maybe I should also ask myself what I truly want, and then tone it down a notch, to what is possible. Maybe I should start by seing reality and be grateful! For where I am, what I've done. Feeling grateful. Yeah. That's a start.