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Trapped


OnlyHuman

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I feel like I'm loosing control. I have no place to go. No one to turn to. I'm not sure how much more I can take! The stress levels are rising. I've been injuring for so long.. Will it ever end? I wish I was able to talk about it. Instead, I feel like I'm trapped, alone, with my own worst enemy. And sometimes, it's just not worth it to try anymore.

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Human,

You can talk about it. You just did.

It's up to you to figure out more ways: you could tell us more (we're listening), or you could find more people (they're out there.)

You are not alone. Trust me, there are billions of people here. It's a big planet, and it's fairly full. Can you try some of us? I know some of us are jerks, that some of us most likely have been jerks to you in the past, and that makes it harder.

Where's the stress coming from? What can you do to remove yourself from it? (You don't have to answer those to me. But you do need the answers.)

Please take care of yourself. If only for your babies' sakes. I'm pretty sure that torturing yourself isn't the answer. Maybe there's something different you could try.

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Malign,

Thanks. The issues I'm facing are beyond my control. I can't make them go away, and that makes it worse for me.

I've been surrounded by death. I've been to 4 funerals in three weeks. I've lost my brother, two of my aunts, and a family friend. Though I've lost people in the past, death doesn't get any easier to deal with.

The other 'issues' are just things involved with every day life.. Not really problems but inconveniences. I just get frustrated when they just start falling one right after the other.

I know there are billions of people in the World.. but it's not easy for me to open up to people face to face. Maybe that's why I'm finding some kind of comfort here. Sometimes I tend to shut people out / close myself off... I'm aware. I've lost many relationships because of it. Talking has always been difficult for me.

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Oh, I'm really sorry. That's a lot of loved ones to lose, and such a short time.

Is it something that would help talking about?

I didn't mean to sound glib about the billions of people. I know it's hard to talk to new people for a lot of us. I did manage to get a bit better at it, with time and experiences like working in a drug store, where people would come up to you and just start talking. Complaining, usually. But it was harder to let them get closer ...

It's just that you know it won't get better all by itself. This is the sort of thing you just have to do, and do ... Do you find that it helps talking here? Whether to talk about your feelings, or just practice starting a conversation ... Maybe some of that will translate into the real world.

We're here for whatever you want to try; feel free to use us. ;-)

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Thanks again, Malign! I appreciate the time you're taking to give me advice. It really means a lot that you would do this.

Honestly, I'm still frightened about the whole blogging thing. Though it's a good way to let go of the tension, I'm scared to post! Usually I end up just deleting them.. even in my previous attempts to reply to you. ha. :(

Like you, it's hard for me to let someone get closer than just small talk.

I had been putting off seeking therapy because I don't want it to slap me in the face when I go for the "custody battle".. IF there is one! However, at this point I want to feel better! I'm ready to go forward with my life and let go of the (false) hopes, guilt, and anger that I hang on to. I'm going to have to let people go.. and that will hurt, but I'm confident that it's what is best for me and my kiddo's.

Tomorrow I'm going to call around and find a therapist and hopefully start "talking" soon. Hopefully someone can help me... and quickly.

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Meh. There are a lot of people here who'd do the same.

(I always had trouble with "you're welcome". I tend to say "it was nothing".) ;-)

I know you're scared. So are lots of folks, I think more so with abuse survivors and SI'ers, for some reason. Probably has to do with all the secrets they're carrying ...

Take your time. That's one of the important benefits of a billboard; it'll still be there when you wake up in the middle of the night with a great blog entry. ;-) It'll still remember your last post, even if you take off for a few weeks.

The best bet, if you're worried about something being used against you, is to counter-punch: bring it up yourself. That lets you spin it the way you want, which in this case is valid; therapy can only make you a better mother. On top of a happy and healthy one. (Which, yes, will make you three mothers tall. I have a weird imagination.)

Good luck, and don't try to rush it. It's taken you a lifetime to get here, after all. It only makes sense that it'll take a few days to reverse all that. ;-)

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