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possible trigger..not doing too good



in fact im a mess, everything really hit me on friday though it's been building up a long time.

i got really scared i just wanted to curl up in a corner and die, i cut and cut and cut but it didnt help the blood was dark,dirty and cold not warm bright or clean at all.

i took loads of stupid things i wanted to die but not die ok weird maybe dont want to be here rather than actually die is more like it although both seem like a good option! i posted here when i became really scared id opened a lot of different bottles up and taken loads of stupid things diet supplements laxatives vits a whole shedful of pills just to..i dunno really ..feel better? worse? i really dont know but i was losing it and very frightened of myself. i couldnt think straight im not even sure why i posted on here i think i needed some direction maybe somebody to tell me what to do,i didnt really expect anyone to be around or post back but goose did and suggested i call someone sympathetic and suggested the samaritans, i didnt call them but it suddenly made me think of my ex and despite all our problems i knew that he would be there but if goose hadnt suggested calling somebody i really dont think it would have occured to me.

He's been really great and really supported me,i had to come home today because my son had a fall out with his g/f and brought his baby home with him,unfortunately he doesnt have a key because i dont trust him so he broke into the house..doesnt exactly help but im trying to keep calm and not do anything stupid and tomorrow am going back to my ex for the week.

i was stupid and had sex with him (ex) yesterday which i initiated and i really really wish i hadnt i did it for all the wrong reasons and didnt even want to and i just cried and cried like a baby! i know it will cause future problems not just for him us whatever but for me ..in my head, life is fucked up or i am anyway!


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