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Donna

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About this blog

i thought of a few titles but they sound self-pitiful so i kept it simple. I hate self pity hate it with a vengeance, i just sound pathetic and feel like a hypochondrac. Maybe even attention seeker,after all it's supposed to be a BPD thing?? my ex

Entries in this blog

It keeps on getting better

So today..where do i start? ah yes there's the little incident about my mum being assaulted at work..i want to kill the fcking btch :mad: ..ooops my nice language again then there's the little matter of my sons g/f and my grandson about to lose there home! They're going to come live with me, which in fairytale land is lovely..i get to see my grandson everyday help out etc but in reality is actually not quite that lovely! what will really happen is i will become a 24/7 nanny,have extra cleaning

Donna

Donna

My life is like a soap opera!

I honestly dont get it, all my life there has been something going on..never a dull moment lol i really cant recall having a single patch in my life that hasnt just rode along without some kind of incident, i could write a book about it one of the popular true story type ones, it would be a best seller! its a pity i cant write lol, Tory hayden would have nothing on me! And it's never anything good always the miserable morbid 'bad' stuff. im not feeling sorry for myself or whinging im just amazed

Donna

Donna

Hyper

im having a bit of a hyper time, i was really low earlier mostly cos of that bloody letter ..still cant get it out of my head! but could tell i was going to get like this cos i was really jittery,paranoid and anxious, the anitdepressants the Dr gave me are the same as before and same crappy side effects, nausea shaking dry mouth etc etc but maybe they'll help this time? last time i was on these ones i tried topping myself 12 times lol ..maybe he's trying to tell me something :eek: 12 times and

Donna

Donna

tired

I cant get that fat comment out of my head, im not as angry as i was but i still dont understand why . i guess he took a dislike to me but i didnt do anything wrong im sure i didnt. and im sure they're supposed to use words like overweight not fat. im being pathetic and whingy but its really got to me, truth hurts and all that i suppose. i have an appt at the Drs tomorrow so im gong to bring it up which will be extremely embarrasing and he is not going to weigh me im not playing there stupid ga

Donna

Donna

so fckin angry

thought id be ok this weekend kids are here my grandsons coming ...i just got a letter from the p/nurse saying im fat! i am fcking angry i cant believe he is allowed to say things like that even if it is true. now i have to try stay calm and not do anything dumb cos the kids and my grandson will be here..how the hell am i sposed to get through the day now without them noticing anything. i might be fat but he weighed at least 90lbs more than me..he was twice my fckin size..bastard bastard bastard

Donna

Donna

im weird

keep having stupid thoughts i cant get rid of them..especially at night which being an insomniac doesnt help. i keep getting all these memories in my head, old things things that dont matter but they wont leave me alone. Im not upset scared or anything but it is driving me nuts and i cant think straight, everything just gets jumbled up. my memory is really bad again and confusion is kicking back in, which is also weird cos ive eaten something more or less everyday...thats the only thing that is

Donna

Donna

is it worth it?

It's bonfire night here in the UK and tbh i dont think it means much more to most of us than having fun with fireworks n stuff. but you know what? im sat here crying really hurting and feeling sh!t because i dont have my kids with me..they're with their dad holding sparklers, watching all the fireworks, eating pie and peas, toffee apples, parkin etc and they should be with ME! and it hurts so fcking much..i cant describe how much. and all because of this cr@p, how pathetic is that! does being th

Donna

Donna

fasting blues

i took a break from my fast after 7 days as i was getting the dizzies usually i can go 2 weeks b4 that kicks in but thats age i guess ate some soup and 2 mints over the w/end and gained over a lb back..so now im back to feeling low again fat and well just pretty worthless. i know its just water but still..i was sooo close to hitting my first target. my mum made a comment about my weight, she doesnt nag me anymore and never tries to push food on me thank god but making comments doesnt help, but

Donna

Donna

a hypocrite

im not sure whether i am or not, i posted a response in the ED forum. everything i said is true, but ive been thinking about it on and off throughout the day, because everything i suggested i actually go against! im not sure whether posting was a good idea! i mean why listen to me when i dont follow my own advice if im not following it doesnt that make it worthless, or maybe because i am doing and going through those very same things it does have some sense to it because i do know what im saying

Donna

Donna

a bit higher

im not feeling as low atm and havnt s/harmed for a few days which is a good thing but it is also a bad thing, im on day 5 of my fast which always makes me feel much better even gives me a bit of a high. but i know it wont last forever im only going to do a week it will come crashing back down which i am not looking forward to. it's a bit of a vicious circle really, up one minute down the next but it's got to be better than down one minute and ever downer the next i guess :confused: i did kind of

Donna

Donna

i ate chips!!

i hate myself so much when i eat, i did really well and dropped 7lbs then went to the pub got wrecked on long island teas ate some chips from the fish shop of all things that my on/off b/f bought me then yesterday i had some iccream and have now gained 3 fckin lbs! i really really hate myself i feel so weak and stupid :mad: my stomachs a mess cos laxes dont work anymore so im bloated queasy and blocked! i purged with the bleach ugggh i promised myself id never do that again! ive got the appt wit

Donna

Donna

calmer

im feeling a bit calmer today and yesterday wasnt too bad though im tired. i love having my chldren here and they're past the stage of running me ragged thank god and on the whole they're really well behaved except my oldest! but i get exhausted easily lately and the constant demands on my time make it more tiring even though it's only over the weekend. I sometimes feel a bit resentful because i have to stop the urges to cut or od ..not always easy! they're getting older and it's hard to hide. I

Donna

Donna

food cals and nightmares

just got weighed again i am now 97lbs!i am so angry with myself ive been good these past few days! god i hate food i dont even enjoy it the taste, nothing ppl say they have fave foods whats mine? or what do you fancy for dinner?..i can never answer that question because i just do not know. supermarkets are my worst nightmares, it takes me around two hrs to buy something in when i get dumb and decide to eat 'regular' on the way to the shops i get headache start feeling tired,first i go straight

Donna

Donna

cutting

im doing more and more but im not getting that same high, mostly anger which unfortunately makes it more messy and just know im going to end up with yet more ugly scars. my blood is not warm bright clean any more its dark dirty and cold..i hate that coldness thats what makes me mad it feels dead so then i start ragging the blade over my skin rather than slicing. so many ppl seem to think cuttings about pain but for me it isnt,it's not control or anything like that either it's just clean and giv

Donna

Donna

struggling (trigger)

only writing in here to stop myself doing anything dumb,i keep looking at pills etc have not done anything though and dont think i will though that doesnt stop this fear or confusion in my head, i thought of throwing them away but cant bring myself to cant throw my regular meds anyway..fck my head is screaming i feel like im going to explode i wish i wasnt here i dont really want to die but i wish id never been born and i will be happy when i finally do, i hope i know when it's happening i want

Donna

Donna

possible trigger..not doing too good

in fact im a mess, everything really hit me on friday though it's been building up a long time. i got really scared i just wanted to curl up in a corner and die, i cut and cut and cut but it didnt help the blood was dark,dirty and cold not warm bright or clean at all. i took loads of stupid things i wanted to die but not die ok weird maybe dont want to be here rather than actually die is more like it although both seem like a good option! i posted here when i became really scared id opened a lot

Donna

Donna

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!

im feeling kind of dead numb low or whatever...i dunno just pretty shitty i guess...im trying hard to keep myself from cutting,ive been extremely tempted to go for my wrists something ive never ever done but it's been in my head for days im fighting and fighting it ..no im not suicidal.. i dont know why but for some reason it just feels so right i just want to be clean. now i sound like a whinging fucking cow, guess i am really lol..why the fuck am i laughing when im not laughing? who ever came

Donna

Donna

moan moan moan (part 2)

i know he's frustrated and confused i understand that especially as i was always very sexual, kinky and never said no! but for the last 2 yrs apart from occasionaly even then i have to really put myself in the mood for it i just dont want to. i get tired in my head with it all even thinking about it makes me tired and doing it makes my body tired! i get anxious as soon as i get into bed and freeze knowing whats coming. it just goes on and on he tells me i should try i point out i do try and get

Donna

Donna

moan moan moan

fed up and feeling sh!t went to see my ex the other day and it was going really well i spent a few days at his place and it was great having fun with him again and his company..until bedtime! the first night i managed it thought i should after weeks of being apart plus he'd bought me a nice outfit and a few drinks...so i didnt say anything just admtted i was scared but didnt complain and said ok..i just cried but did it though it was a disaster. the next night he left me alone..phew! night after

Donna

Donna

Stupid posts

i just put up a post and i feel so stupid isound like a pathetic retard, i cant even edit it,somebody kindly replied and i feel so dumb! i wish i could keep my mouth shut i dont know why i do it, i dont even know why i post even in here i just talk shit and half the time dont even know how to say things properly. when i said my life is like a soap opera i wasnt joking lol for somebody who has nobody i have one weird fcked up life,i have a son who was a father 3 weeks after he turned 16 his g/f h

Donna

Donna

Angry!!!!!!!!!!!!

im so sick of all this crap and this crappy life and if that sounds self pitiful and makes me a liar then so what! i dont care anymore. i have so much stuff going on right now that i think im going to explode my life is like a soap opera ..oh wait no it cant be ..in soap operas they have friends,go to the local visit each other and screw around all the time, ah fck it im going to get pssed, forget the calories i'll hate myself tomorrow (what? and i dont right now lol) but who the fck cares...i

Donna

Donna

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