Mark,

You know what you need to do, right ?

You have been saying what you need to do for a while now.

I'm pleased in a way that you have realised how you are truely feeling. i'm just sorry it is hurting you so much and that you are so fearful.

We are all here for you, and will help in anyway we can, but ultimately, what happens next is down to you.

You can either leave things until its too late, and the decissions you now face are out of your hands,

or

you can fight, make a stand for yourself, and chase your dreams, go to that place where you can be happy, and safe.

We both know that ignorance is bliss, crumbs its a very good coping mechanismn. But you also know things dont just go away , right ?

Try and fight against shutting down, please, you deserve better than that.

OK.

Im gabbling, probably not making any sense what so ever.

So

Just please take good care of yourself.

You know we are all here for you.

Take care hun,

sue

Sue,

You've heard that it's the thought that counts, right?

Well, I hear your thought quite clearly, and thank you.

I need to stop being afraid of what I need to do. :-)

Sorry mark,

I know Im not much help kinda in my own world.

But I do want you to be happy, and although you dont have the same beliefs as me.

I hope you find and live your fairy tale

Take good care of you, for all of us, please

sue

I hope you are able to stop being afraid, and that you can trust yourself. You deserve that other life, the happy one, and I pray you get there.

Good morning Mark,

You've resurrected old memories for me... not bad ones that trigger me, but the problem solving ones-- those that required I develop coping strategies that led me out of my cave once the divorce process was under way.

Mark, I'm not sure what needs untangled, as you suggested yesterday, or what you need to say to us to release those demons-- what I do know is that when I was at your stage, I diverted all my energies to doing the "devil's work" (running back and forth between my myriad of pains and the defenses required to keep me afloat, pivoting on the isthmus of my caged life as I gaslighted everything else around me). I was busy developing a most rationale or irrational scaffolding that that I spent weeks and weeks servicing, propping up, sustaining and maintaining. And, this, seems to be where you are. We both call it fear, I did so then and you're doing so now: same territory, different person.

This may sound like an odd thing, but one thing that I realized was that I had so been wrapped in my pain that there was no room for other emotions, important ones. What I realize now is that I needed a good dose of anger, b/c anger brings out passion. I needed to renew my anger (and I don't hear anger in your blogs, I do hear defeat and hopelessness) b/c in this case, it was the most effective way of protecting myself from a disabling fear, helplessness and hopelessness (which for me were little more than like the howlings of the wolves at night).It was anger that took away my vulnerability and then I could act out of a strong sense of what needed to be done. However, this anger cannot be simply a rope that you tied to a winch you can use to further choke you, it must be used, even if for a few hours, to create the plan we spoke of yesterday-- the fact that you say you "suck" at planning is not enough, it's an excuse for not acting (let me be blunt as you would and have been with me), it's no different than waiting for Godot! This I know b/c I went thru it as have hundreds of the men and women I've seen over the last 30+ years.

There was an excellent saying I heard years ago: "Edith is a beautiful country bordered on the north, the south, the east and the west, by-- Edith." So Edith, like me 10 years ago, lived in a house of mirrors and w/o windows. I was the eternal observer, the onlooker, the self seer and self censor, but never the participant in my own life- and there seemed to never be a relief from the fear, self doubt, shame, need to protect any possible unguarded gates, and the need to protect and shoulder the Hoover Damn of my own pains.

Mark, I know all too well that there are times the soul must weep, and it must be allowed to as part of its healing: likewise, there are times to end it when one sees that the weeping is immobilizing one's life. From your descriptions, would you say the time to move is now? I understand depression well, and I understand the angst of moving while one is depressed, and I understand even better that being immobilized merely prolongs and deepens the depression, the isolation and the hopelessness. It is said that feeling depressed can be worsened when one fails to be in settings where one is fed well--- isolation and living like Edith starves you and feeds the depression: purposeful movement starves the depression and feeds you as a whole.

Another dissertation, mia culpa. My hope is that is received in the way it is intended, to piss you off just a little (that David doesn’t understand “caca”, what the hell is he talking about) and to push you even more to act (what the… geez he’s got some gall!!!).

Good luck mi amistad,

David O