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food cals and nightmares



just got weighed again i am now 97lbs!i am so angry with myself ive been good these past few days!

god i hate food i dont even enjoy it the taste, nothing ppl say they have fave foods whats mine? or what do you fancy for dinner?..i can never answer that question because i just do not know.

supermarkets are my worst nightmares, it takes me around two hrs to buy something in when i get dumb and decide to eat 'regular'

on the way to the shops i get headache start feeling tired,first i go straight to the meds isle and pick up laxes, then i stand there like a retard wondering where to go next even tho i already know exactly where, the headache and tiredness starts to get worse.

i end up buying the same food everytime but i dont just go pick them up then buy them..oh no, first i scrutinise the packaging for the nutrition info first even tho i know it by heart, but you never know they may have changed the recipie, lower cals carbs sugars fats etc so i have to check! then after 10 mins or so of procrastinating i put them in my basket, spend a few more minutes checking out alternate brands 'just in case' cos u never know they might have changed THEIR recipies..but i cant change brands oh no, change is too scarey!

then it's time to go buy something i dont need xtra shampoo toothpaste or something, well i got to have a legitimate reason for being in a shop dont i? then it's back to the shelves put all the grocerys in my basket back and check out all the other aisles finally putting different foods in my basket after much nutrition checking, go find some other non needed item, by which time a good hour or more has passed and im feeling exhausted,wander round the shop in a daze for a while having u fat bitch arguments in my head tellng me put the basket down, be strong, walk away think of the lbs you'll have gained tomorrow. so back goes the foods on the shelves again, back goes the other items and over to the drinks isle for diet pop, feeling pretty good, of course checking out the cal content first ''just in case''

now my basket holds pop and laxes only..hey im so proud of myself for being strong and not giving into the other voice in my head telling me i deserve to be fat that eatings all i deserve to do! after paying for the laxes and pop i stand there for a few mins..a bit spacey then go back into the supermarket place the original grocerys back in the basket after re-checking the nutrition info of course, pay for them quickly then buy alcohol, walk home estimating how many cals i will have burnt while shopping walking etc minus them from the cals im gong to be eating and work out my total intake.

by now my head is really punding and im calling myself fat fat fucking bastard out loud all the while, i go home pour a drink, alcohol of course..like there's not many cals in that stuff! derrr pop the laxes, cook the crap eat some,cry, excerise, hula hoop,get pissed and go to bed, climb on the scales the next morning hate the higher numbers record them in my journal along with a few nasty comments reminding myself how fat disgusting piggy i am how i should know better etc pop a few more laxes,diet pills dieuretics,and all sorts of shit that doesnt work but i dardnt not take, fast for a few days or stick with pickles,salads or occasionally cardboard feel a bit happier as the scales slowly drop down although it's never quite good enough, until the next time i give in and the cycle repeats itself.

not the best way to live but better than been even fatter...my current weight is not acceptable it's disgusting and i can feel it, ive even had a cpl of ppl remark on how ive filled out a bit! jee thx everyone ,just leave me the fuck alone...they moan when i lose then 'praise' when i gain, somedays i just think they want me to be a fucking elephant and i hate the whole damn world.


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