im feeling a bit calmer today and yesterday wasnt too bad though im tired.

i love having my chldren here and they're past the stage of running me ragged thank god and on the whole they're really well behaved except my oldest! but i get exhausted easily lately and the constant demands on my time make it more tiring even though it's only over the weekend. I sometimes feel a bit resentful because i have to stop the urges to cut or od ..not always easy! they're getting older and it's hard to hide.

Im getting really stressed out about my blood, i dont understand why it's changed so much. I cant stand the feel of it and each time i hope in vain (vein? lol) it will be normal again.

im also having second thoughts about getting involved with the whole psych team thing again, i dont trust them at all. im relieved in a way because i dont want to keep on as i am its no way to live and i know i need help, but im wary because there are things i dont want them meddling in and trying to take away from me.

ive never done the counselling thing before i know it helps many but i also know of a lot of ppl who's heads are more screwed then ever.

im not very open face to face so how it will work i dont know. but i suppose it's worth a try and at least it wont be a group thing im offered this time.

but if they attempt to 'work' on the ED thing then i am out of there straight away!

my grandsons coming today which is something to look forward to, he is the most gorgeous baby and so happy all the time, he even smiles when he wakes up most 7 mth olds wake up crying for breakfast but not him, he's cheeky as well has his own little quirks and ways and is really affectionate..cant wait to see him.