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im doing more and more but im not getting that same high, mostly anger which unfortunately makes it more messy and just know im going to end up with yet more ugly scars.

my blood is not warm bright clean any more its dark dirty and cold..i hate that coldness thats what makes me mad it feels dead so then i start ragging the blade over my skin rather than slicing.

so many ppl seem to think cuttings about pain but for me it isnt,it's not control or anything like that either it's just clean and gives me a high, just planning it knowing whats to come makes me feel that bit better.

i almost cut my stomach again, my own kind of lposuction tho ive not quite managed to dig that deep as it were.. drain that fat out, but by then the razor was blunt and i only have 1 spare which i need to have handy until i can get to the chemists.

when i do it i have this weird vision of draining all the yellow disgusting gunk into a glass then drinking it because somehow that pcture the reminder of the taste and texture will remain in my head and never again will i want another morsel pass my lips,


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Hi Donna,

thank god your razor was blunt !!!!

Hun, you really need to see your gp again.

I can understand why you feel the need to cut/slice at yourself, but dosnt that make you feel shitty afterwards..... it does me.

With me though I did , (OK. still want to at times) s/i to release the evil from my veins. somehow purify myself. I have done a heck of a lot of damage to myself over the years. Yes it eases the pain, releases some of the evil that I have trapped inside me, but only for a short while. That feeling of freedom, the sense of ocumplishment, soon gets replaced by guilt and anger, that yet again I have let myself down.

Try and be strong, and kinder to yourself, you have suffered enough now, without making your suffering even worse. Try and fight your urges, in many ways s/i is an addiction, its difficult to stop coz it becomes habbit. Please dont allow yourself to buy more blades, atleast until the desperation eases a little.

Were all here to help try and support you through this, anyway that we can, I have faith in you, that you are strong enough to at least give it your best shot, You are worth much more than this, I hope one day you will be able to realise it.

Please take care


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I know I'm just some guy on a web site. But I really think you need to talk to that crisis team, and I think you should show them these last two blog entries, if you can't think of what to say.

You deserve to get the help you need, and part of you knows that, or it wouldn't have told all of us about these things.

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thanks :)

i went to the hospital yesterday and am back under psychiatric care again (it's not quite clear whether i still am or not lol)and will hopefully get some help...not for the ed though, i dont want anything for that horrible as it can be i also like and need it in a twisted way.

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