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A New Week A New Day


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Even though the prelude to my weekend was messy and stinky. All in all it turned out to be an A+.

My boyfriend has gone back home and everyone else has had to return back to work.

So today I will be here alone with my thoughts. I'm alittle anxious. I'm alittle afraid.

I've been up since 4:30am watching the World News. Those old nagging gnawing thoughts are trying to creep in.

Those feelings and thoughts that I'm a failure. I'm a loser. My son will never love me and our relationship will never be repaired.

Of course this is only stemming from the court hearing. But those thoughts won't win and they must go away.

I can feel the paranoia wanting to come in. Like someone is going to come into my home and hurt me because I am this so called failure.

So my plan for today is NOT to do a bunch of sleeping because it will cause me depression. I've got several rooms in the house which are in desperate need of cleaning lol.

I'm lying if I say I'm going to put all the xmas stuff out. I'm not in the mood for decorating. But my goal is to hang one wreath on the front door.

Everyone is going to be happy to hear that I've done that.

But the real joy is going to come when I pick up my pen once again because I'm a writer.

And I haven't written a sentence or a paragraph in over 6 months.

Okay one step at time huh.

Have a Blessed Day Everybody!

Vicki

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Hey vicki :(

Hope your day is blessed to :(

You are not a failure, I relate and fully understand why you have those niggling doubtful feelings, especially where your son is concerned. Ofcourse your son loves you, and you can never break the bond of love between Mother and child, no matter what (or who) stands in the way of you both being together. I feel the same about my 4 babies. Will you get to see your son over christmas at all ?

Good luck with the housework, not exactly fun, but you might feel better once you get stuck in, just take it really easy though. (housework is very exhausting)

Cool, your a writer, what stuff do you write ?

Anyway Happy Monday :)

take care

sue

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Hey Sue

Well the day has arrived but the sun doesn't want to come out to play at least for now. What a bummer.

I'm not quite sure if I will talk to my son or not. I don't know what kind of mood he is going to be in behind or after this court hearing.

If history repeats itselfs and right now it normally does his father has said some pretty disgusting things about me and my son won't speak to me for a few months.

He's BiPolar too. But that's enough of that.

Anyways I am a retired Crime Writer - News Columnist. Now I'm writing poetry short stories love and romance. Everything is in boxes and discs waiting for me to do something with it. But I can't focus. When it comes to writing I have the attention span of a 6mth old - not at all. I dream about it. I envision it in my mind but when it comes to putting the pen to paper or stroking the keys to my computer - Bah Humbug - it aint happening. I can't focus. But I'm not beating myself up.

What I'm about to say is really big for me to admit.

But for once I want love in my life. I want to have a healthy personal relationship with self with children family with friends with home.

I am truly gonna get myself healthy. Not halfway healthy. And I'm going to do this by staying on my meds. And I'm telling the people who are the closest to me when and what something is wrong. I've quit running away and I've quit putting up walls.

I'm sorry if I'm not making any sense I'm just not use to this lol.

I feel like a fish outta water lol.

I feel crazy foreal yall as I'm laughing my silly head off. Thank God for this forum - Whew. lol

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That was a very brave and extremly great thing to say ~ Im proud of you hun.

Strangely you make perfect sense, but then im insane ~ so go figure :(

Just do one thing at a time hun, when your able, take pidgeon steps if baby steps are too big. you will get there in the end (where ever there actually is :)

You will find your concentration returning enough for you to return to your writing when you feel better.

Theres always inspiration around, and usually it comes from the most unlikely of places, and when your not looking for it (Murphy's law at best) :(

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