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Its Been a Good Day!

The sun came out right before I left the house. I hadn't seen it in weeks. I walked got fresh air an exercise and was able to disregard the mean and hateful stares. Some people are just miserable but I'm determined to no longer let them destroy my mood nor my life. They're just strangers. I refilled my prescriptions, bought me a few things at the market and some writing utensils. Pens, papers, stationery & a couple of greeting cards to send my sweetie and friends out of town. I came home

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Dear Journal

It doesn't rain in the same yard everyday....but while it is raining I'm going to be gentle with myself. I'm going to forgive myself for any weakness anger frustration or inability to meet mine or anyone elses needs or wants they may have.. Thank you Journal for being such an understanding Friend. Vicki

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The Computer is Turned on

After 7 mths I actually turned my computer on BUT that's only because I told Sue & Malign I was going to do it. It still seems operable. I don't want to touch it. I might fail. I might have to think. I might have to form some thoughts. It might consume my energy. If I sit at the computer today I will be expected to do it tomorrow then the next day and so forth and so on. Then I will be right back to where I started. No life. Just locked up in this small one bedroom house lonely ass hell

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Its Been 8 Wks

I've been on my Celexa and Topamax exactly 8 weeks today. I seriously feel like a different person and I am doing things I had long forgotten about. I'm reading my magazines and books on a daily basis once again. I'm getting up and getting dressed by 9am in the mornings. Now I may undress by Noon or by late evening but I'm dressing everyday. I've started to Journal everyday now. I'm even writing one letter a week to a friend out of town. My house is cleaned. But I'm still not totally totally

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Judges are Aholes

That's all I wanted to say. Oh yeah... and the Bengals aren't going to the Playoffs... Oh well.

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Why Do They Always Leave

How come everytime I get to takin my meds goin to therapy cleanin out my closet makin great strides in my life the closest of close girlfriend gets to pulling and pulling further away. It never fails. I just had myself a cry. And it wasn't even a cry. I shedded some tears. But the Ball is gonna fall down in a few days for 2010 and if some can't accept the changes Oh well.... I swear it always happens with the one who was like a sister to me. I dunno...

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I'm Fired Up & Ready To Go

I feel like me. I feel like Vicki. For two days now. Two days in a row. I'm doing more pleasurable things in my house. Hobbies an activities I had forgotten about long ago. I'm so excited. I'm opening my front door with no paranoia. I've been on the side of my house and in the backyard for brief moments. The air smelled good. I've walked to the corner store. I'm slowly getting my life back. This is unbelievable. I'm even hopeful that I will wake up one morning and not feel like I have a

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Well I Tried

My Mama use to always say, "Nothing Beats a Failure But a Try." And Lord knows I tried yesterday. I tried to do that cleaning. I looked and I looked at those 2 rooms. I got one half of the 2 rooms cleaned. Well there's always next year. And it will be here soon.. Progress was made though. I retreated back to the sofa But I didn't sleep all day. I didn't even take a nap. The weather outside is awful. Gloomy dark dank wet cold not conducscive to my mood, popping meds or chemical imbalance.

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A New Week A New Day

Even though the prelude to my weekend was messy and stinky. All in all it turned out to be an A+. My boyfriend has gone back home and everyone else has had to return back to work. So today I will be here alone with my thoughts. I'm alittle anxious. I'm alittle afraid. I've been up since 4:30am watching the World News. Those old nagging gnawing thoughts are trying to creep in. Those feelings and thoughts that I'm a failure. I'm a loser. My son will never love me and our relationship will ne

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Today Was a Good Day!

My doctor increased my Celexa and Topamax. I knew that was going to happen and I was prepared for it. My best girlfriend took me out to lunch bought me a pair a of boots and jeans on sales. And my boyfriend will be here shortly from Atlanta. I'm allowing people in whereas I use to lock people out. I'd run and hide. I would lick my own wounds I wouldn't share. I wouldn't let anyone in. But this is different. I'm different now. I use to think or feel this was being weak. Now I feel this is ju

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The Courts are Crazy!

Years ago I lost my son solely based on the fact that I was BiPolar they called it Manic Depressive then. I became depressed signed myself into the hospital. In return I was declared unfit and my 3 yr old was ripped out of my arms and I was slapped with a child support order. The courts made me over pay nearly $7,000. For the past 5 yrs I have been trying to fight this. I had a hearing today where the Magistrate basically said tough luck. She allowed my exhusband to talk about me as if I were

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I'm Proud of Myself

This is a huge accomplishment for me! I have not only taken my meds for the past 6 weeks but for the last 6 Mondays I have increased the dosages as instructed. I am so proud of myself! I have taken all my meds and dosages on times. I didn't skip any. I have slept a lot and too darn much. My stomach has been nauseated. To the point I almost vomited. I can't taste my food anymore and I have no appetite. But its alright. Cause I'm not suicidal. I'm not depressed. I'm not full of anxiety.

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I'm Still On The Sofa

And it feels so darn good lol. I'm actually lying here without any guilt or any anxiety. No feelings of I'm so lazy or I'm so worthless. No urges to pace the floor until the wee hours of the night. I've quit beating myself up for all the money I blew that put me in 8mths of hardcore financial debt. (mania is a you know what) Well... I'm fixing to go finish watching The Young and The Restless. I'm mad at Sharon for sleeping with Adam but what can I say? She probably wouldn't agree with s

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