After two and a half years, it finally happened. My husband called and screamed at me. This wasn't normal 'we're having an argument' screaming. He was uncontrollably enraged! Prior to this, he'd never even raised his voice to me.
To make a long story short, he screamed at me stating I had my son delete his messages on his dating account. Now, my son is a lot more computer savvy than I am. But, he's not a hacker. And meanwhile, me and my husband are still married. I thought I was the one that should be angry. :confused: He told me that he was packing all my stuff and that he was giving the computer to one of his sons, not to me as he'd previously told me. He hung up on me as I was crying and trying to figure out what the actual problem was. Okay, so I'm a little naive.
After a major emotional meltdown, I finally realized that my marriage is over. The man that I married is no longer there. I still love my husband. And, I pray he'll get better soon. But, his actions today let me know that he's not in control of himself. And while I can offer him moral support, I can't be apart of his life right now. I don't even know if it's safe to be around him right now. I've seen him emotional. I've seen him angry. But, I've never talked to him like he was today. The paranoia was more than a bit scary.
While I'd like to skip the part about thinking about suicide, being angry, and feeling worthless, my meltdown was a major one. I'm afraid of dragging my daughter down into my hysteria, since I'm staying with her. She has her own past of major depression and anxiety. And today, after she tried to calm me down, she spent most of the rest of the day in her room. I asked her if it would be better for her if I left. But, she said she'd be stressed either way. I really wish I had somewhere else to go.
Of course, apartment hunting here continues to be slow. Right now, I'm willing to take a rabbit hole. I just need to start fresh so I can heal. And, I pray that my husband will continue to take his meds, see his therapist and doctor. Maybe, he can be a good man for someone else. In the meantime, I don't know if I can wait to find a therapist (until after I move) and I need to find a psychiatrist to reevaluate my meds. I see an increase or change of them in my future.