I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere. For the past two days, I've managed my moods better. No meltdowns! I've had my moments but been able to either talk myself through them, pray, talk with my family, etc. For the first time in what seems like a long time, I didn't think about suicide. I didn't think about there being no hope. I even talked to my husband calmly to find out how he's doing.
Turns out, he's not doing well, physically or emotionally. I let him know that me and my family still care about him. And, I let him know I'm still around for moral support. I still love him but realize he's right. Right now, we can't be married.
For the first time, I got off the phone today without saying, "I love you." I noticed he didn't say it either. But, I felt okay about that. I don't want to put more pressure on him. And, I don't want to feel confused.
I hope he'll agree to hospitalization when he meets with his therapist. He is way too close to the edge.
Meanwhile, I'm getting closer to getting an apartment. And, I'm feeling much better about it. Within the next week, or so, I should be moved into a new place. That will take a lot of pressure off. But, I also realize it will be the first time in my adult life that I'll be living alone. I'm looking forward to it, but realize there may be a a few scary moments as well (sadness, anxiety).
Hope is such a small word... A four letter word... But right now, it means so much to me. I thank God for everyone that has helped me to hang on to that.