Well, I finally found an apartment. I had to pay a company $525 to act as a cosigner, in addition to all the move in fees. So, I'm going to owe my daughter money for a very long time. And while the financial issues are still overwhelming, I'm so happy that I have my own space. My daughter took excellent care of me over the past few weeks. Even so, I know my she'll be happy to have her apt back. My apartment isn't too far from her's so we can continue to help one another out.
So today, I have to return to collect my things. While I don't expect any problems, it's going to be very stressful.
My husband has become more and more detached. So, I know I can expect an emotional roller-coaster. He might be more reserved in how he feels about me. But, I love him just as much as I did before all this began. I have, however, started to get a grip on my feelings. It's easier to do when you are more than a hour away and don't talk as much.
I've had to initiated every call. But I did it out of concern, he was very ill for awhile. He's been packing my things. But, he had past relationships where his ex took things from him. So, I know that it isn't just from the goodness of his heart. It's partly out of concern that I might take something out of spite, when I've never given him any reason to think that way. Anyway, I plan to handle it as I've always handled things with him. With love and kindness... We never had a problem with arguing before we separated (just the one time when he called after I left screaming at me) and I don't plan to start now.
I'm looking forward to living alone for the first time as an adult. It's going to be scary and I'm going to have to force myself to get out of the house and do things. That's the part I worry about the most. I have a tendency to hibernate during the winter. I'm a bit agoraphobic for periods of time. So while I'm excited, I have some challenges ahead. I'm looking forward to beginning therapy to help me with those challenges.
As for today, I have to put my emotional armor on and leave in the same way I arrived, with love and kindness. I'm sure I'll have to pray a lot...