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January 18, 2010



I felt good today. Happy even. I've been changing lately. I don't feel as insecure as I have in the last few years. I feel confident in my independence. I think 2 things are at play. I don't beat myself up like I used to. This is the year I work on my self esteem and I have consciously stopped beating myself up about anything. I just don't let it happen in my mind... and so I have had nothing negative that festers in me. Nothing to make myself sad about.

The other thing is that I have found this forum. I am talking to people again and I'm putting some opinions and comments out there, daring a little. My sense of humour is coming back, I don't feel so alone. I'm getting some feedback on things. I'm offering encouragement and counsel to others so I feel a little more useful again. It is working magic in my need to talk to Oumar.... the need is actually going away. I don't think about him very much anymore....

First I offered to go see him in March. Then he was coming to see me, then we were going to rent a chalet together, then he thought it was too much money and we should perhaps wait until the summer, then I thought yeah, that's not a bad idea, I'm not that excited about a boring week with him, smoking too much and having to come endlessly for him.;) So now everything is off and who knows when we will actually see each other.

It's been more than 1.5 years now since he left and we've seen each other 5 days in that time. I've learned to live without him, and it is dawning on me that I am already in a life without Oumar.... So many things happened last year, what a lousy year. Depression, grief, death, lost jobs, money issues, man the world almost crashed last year!!!

So this is a new year and I'm soooooo happy :( and hopeful about that! I dunno, I feel relaxed since the new year started. I've rested a lot and seem to still need it some. As the fortuneteller lady mentionned on the weekend, it's a year of reevaluation, coincidences, building a new life, leaving some of the past beyind me. I think that refers to Oumar. I don't think the universe wants us to be together anymore ... there is always resistance in the air when you try to do it.... So we talk on the phone once in awhile, or we text.

I've noticed that the only time he is very attentive of me is when he needs to chase me because I'm pushing him away. Once he knows I'm there he just goes on with his life, studies, workd, as if I'm a given at home. He may not want me to visit him for that reason, he likes coming home, I feed the home fires. But I now know that it's a cycle. I push him away so that I can finally get some attention. The anxiety makes him yearn for me more, and when I acquiesse under his persistence, he relaxes and just back into his routine that does not include a woman.... Oh well, now I know, and I won't do it anymore. Not so sure I want to be anything in that dynamic anymore. I am looking elsehwere now to fill my life, and it's OK for the first time in 15 years.

I'm not afraid right now. Perhaps it's because my life is very stable. Perhaps it's the fact that I take the medication regularly. Perhaps it's just not have troubles right now. I just feels simple. May it last awhile.


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