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Yesterday's thoughts


Autognosy

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Well yesterday was the big dietist day!

She asked my "would you like to step on the scales?" -I told her "No, I am fine here" :o

Then, after seeing with our own eyes that I wight 2 kilos above my lower record, I told her about last days "eating like an animal". I told her that I knew she was going to weight me, I knew I wasn't hungry but I continued to eat every unhealthy thing I could find all day long.

And she told me... "you knew that all month you didn't follow the menu I've given you and yesterday you had guilts...so....you just panished yourself by eating to show yourself you were not a good girl during the month, so you are not good enough and you deserve it".

Well I believe that the talking to myself is not quite "panishing", it's like "it's no big deal, I ate, so I can keep on doing it, I don't care".

So she told me "so, is it true you don't care?"

Ok, I got the point. But why do you think (fellow bloggers) that this statement was a little shock for me?

Giving up things (let's say washing the dishes, or continuing my thesis, or my positive thoughts, or scrubbing my face every night) is something I do ALL the time. I give up after a while whatever I start. And then I stay stuck in this negative condition. It's not that I like unwashed dishes, it's just like I fix to my mind that it's more difficult and nusty situation to get up and wash them than leave them clutter. And I know it's not true, just it's like this way noone can make me do things as others has decided "they supposed to be this way". Strange isn't it? It's like you hear a 5 year old kid.

And at this point another opinion came to explain things "I'm panishing myself, not treat it ok" :eek:

Weird...

But if it's true, I am living a life of panishement. I have to accept it in my mind and change it in some way... Let's say, feel happy to force myself to scrub my face twice a day (as I have planned) even if I am sleepy.

No, I don't like the idea of panishing myself! And I surely don't believe I deserve it. I thought that I loved myself! And I do. Just sometimes somebody has to shock you cause you never know completely even your own self.

Positive though of the day? Let's see (haven't read it yet... I suppose I gave it up once more, but I refuse to say why shhhh!).

Hoho! No it's not fake, it is really the thought I have written some month ago for today:

It is natural for me to follow my aims for a very long period of time

Seems reallity is a very complex and wise thing, like a net that goes around a spesific thing at a specific period.

I'll try to have another blog entry early tomorrow as my dad is coming home in the afternoon :o and he gets furious when he sees me on the net. Grrr wish me luck and peace around him. Then I'll be off in the weekend for a trip, so, no big blog comments from Auto for a while (god excists after all -hehe self sarcasm that is :o ).

Bye for now! :cool:

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Thank tou star!

Well, he seemed a little good mood in the voice, in the phone today, but then characterized badly my mom-something that shows bad mood struggling to go out, so I don't really know what's going to be tomorrow...

I don't know why, I am feeling as if I have to hide books and notes I don't want him to see. I am also going to log out the pages I enter in net cause for some reason I think he is going to search and I don't like the way he critisizes everything.

I like the way I live...alone, no worries... but I still feel it's not quite my shelter, so I long the day I'll live with my boyfriend in our own home. Hope they prefer my bro's home to visit and sleap then (as he is their favourite and the ultimate comparison to compare the bad Auto to).

Anyway, just thoughts, no bitterness...

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