self-injury is a means of coping

[Natalie]

As for why I feel I deserve punishment, it is because of my overwhelming failure and incompetence in every aspect of my life.

The sentence above jumps out at me immediately as a core issue (cognitive behavioral therapists would call it a "core belief") that could be driving a lot of your internal pain. A cognitive therapist working with you would point out that this is a type of thought called a cognitive distortion (basically an inaccurate and unhelpful thought). This style of thinking will in short, make you feel like crap (thoughts can drive feelings and behavior). People who are experiencing depression, anxiety, and/or all sorts of other issues often have this type of thought.

The way to attack and change this thought is a method called cognitive restructuring. I encourage you to read our article, which provides more detail. If you took a step back and realistically evaluated your life (pretend that you are an outside, impartial observer), is the thought "I am totally incompetent and a complete failure" TRULY accurate? Can you think of even one small accomplishment or way in which you did something well? I would be willing to bet that you could find a few if you really gave it some honest thought.

So, if that thought isn't truly accurate, then what is? In other words, how could you change that thought be more realistic (and nicer to yourself)? I'd be interested if other members could offer you a different way to think about yourself.

[nightfalls]

I have chose not to post

Edited December 6, 2008 by nightfalls

[Proverbs31:28]

I do understand what both of you are saying. I tried to choose my words appropriately: I used the words "overwhelming failure" rather than "absolute failure" or "complete failure" because I do realize that, though I have many failures I have to admit (though it is difficult to do) that I do have some successes. I have 2 of the greatest kids God ever put on this earth. And, though I know I am nowhere near the mother they deserve, I must be doing something right by them. Many of my successes, however, occured prior to being struck by mental illness. Since then, I do not have a lot I can count as success. I lost my job and home, moved in with family, and have no future. I scrape by on SS benefits. I have no college fund for my kids, no hope of getting our own home any time soon. I have tried twice since losing my career to learn a new trade to work from home and I failed even at that. Both times my anxiety and depression were too much and I could not finish the training.

Anyway, I know we all have our excuses for why we cut but I also realize none of these excuses are legitimate- they are rationalizations.

forgetting, I know you are right about out kids. It makes perfect sense to me. In fact, I left my sociopath ex-husband because one day I realized that, by staying, I was teaching my daughter that it was okay for a husband to behave the way her father does and I was teaching my son it was okay to behave that way when he has a family. I could never live with myself if I didn't protect them from his damaging behavior, of which they were not aware, yet. So, I agree, looking at our behavior from our children's POV changes things. It is the one thing that actually keeps me from attempting suicide ever again- because of what would happen to them.

[Natalie]

Please put that at the top of your list of successes: getting out of a harmful relationship. That's an incredibly brave thing to do that many cannot. Remind yourself that you are very strong if you can do something of this nature.

[crowyhead]

Do you take medicine for you depression? because that may help you instead of hurting yourself, ion a few occasions when my husband has found a cut on my wrist he has treatened that if i do it again he'll send me to a psychiatric unit.

why do you feel like you deserve to be in pain?

Hi Sheryl,

Yup, I take meds for anxiety and depression (Wellbutrin and Klonopin). This has helped a lot, but over the past year I've had to have my meds adjusted a lot because they weren't working as well, and during that time the SI reared its head again.

For me, it's not so much that I feel I deserve to be in pain. Instead, the SI usually happens for one of two reasons. Sometimes, I feel so paralyzed and numbed by my depression that I hurt myself to prove that I am still alive and I can still feel something, even if it's painful. Other times (and this is more common for me), it's almost the opposite -- I get so anxious and so wound up that I feel like I need to do something to focus myself and slow myself down.

Threatening you with hospitalization doesn't sound very helpful; if it were me in your position, it would just make me feel more ashamed and secretive about the SI. But I think it's also a pretty understandable reaction -- it's really frightening for the people we love when they see us hurting.

crowy

[sheryl]

Hi Sheryl,

Yup, I take meds for anxiety and depression (Wellbutrin and Klonopin). This has helped a lot, but over the past year I've had to have my meds adjusted a lot because they weren't working as well, and during that time the SI reared its head again.

For me, it's not so much that I feel I deserve to be in pain. Instead, the SI usually happens for one of two reasons. Sometimes, I feel so paralyzed and numbed by my depression that I hurt myself to prove that I am still alive and I can still feel something, even if it's painful. Other times (and this is more common for me), it's almost the opposite -- I get so anxious and so wound up that I feel like I need to do something to focus myself and slow myself down.

Threatening you with hospitalization doesn't sound very helpful; if it were me in your position, it would just make me feel more ashamed and secretive about the SI. But I think it's also a pretty understandable reaction -- it's really frightening for the people we love when they see us hurting.

crowy

Hi crowyhead,

When i suffered with depression i took meds but only for two weeks they didn't help at all i probably didn't give them enough time to work, i still suffer with depression but i muddle through it this is usually when the need to self-harm is the strongest and i have to fight with myself inside to stop myself from doing it.

I feel like i deserve to be punished for letting my abusers abuse me for the amount of time that they did, it's also a way of coping with the pain and the anger that i feel, that i can't express.

I am sectretive and i do feel ashamed, i hide the marks on my wrist but sometimes i forget there, there and then my husband sees them. i agree with you there my husband hates to see me hurting and when he sees a mark on my arm he knows that this is a time when i'm really hurting inside, he also thinks i do it to hurt him on purpose, i don't i hide the marks if i did it to hurt him i'd tell him i was going to do it and then i wouldn't hide it, but i do hide them and i don't tell him, i don't plan when i'm going to hurt myself but i'm sure he thinks i do.

he jutb doesn't understand that i feel like i deserve to be hurting it helps to releive what i'm feeling and it relieves the blame i feel too.

Take care,

Sheryl.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi,

Medication Is Not Enough To Help With Depression And Anxiety Including Self Hurting.

I Want To Press The Fact That Medication Plus Psychotherapy Is Hugely Helpful But, In My Experience And Opinion, Medication Without Therapy Has Limited Benefits.

What Do Others Think?

Allan

[Proverbs31:28]

Hi,

Medication Is Not Enough To Help With Depression And Anxiety Including Self Hurting.

I Want To Press The Fact That Medication Plus Psychotherapy Is Hugely Helpful But, In My Experience And Opinion, Medication Without Therapy Has Limited Benefits.

What Do Others Think?

Allan

In my personal experience, I have found this to be true. I have not been to therapy for SI, as it is a fairly recent thing for me. However, what improvements I have seen in other areas of my life have come about through therapy and meds. In fact, I have made HUGE strides in my OCD because of group and individual therapy. At one point, if a towel was folded wrong, I had to unfold and refold all towels in the cabinet. Now, I just refold the one that is wrong. Likewise, in the past, if my DD's clothes were not hanging straight in the closet, I had to take them all out, take them off the hangers, put them back on the hangers and rehang them. Now, I can just straighten the closet. I still struggle with other areas of OCD/control, especially fear of germs and my kids' appearance, BUT this is partly because my last therapist and I agreed I was not yet ready to let go of these issues and trying to do so would have caused more harm than good.

[sheryl]

Hi,

Medication Is Not Enough To Help With Depression And Anxiety Including Self Hurting.

I Want To Press The Fact That Medication Plus Psychotherapy Is Hugely Helpful But, In My Experience And Opinion, Medication Without Therapy Has Limited Benefits.

What Do Others Think?

Allan

Hi, i took meds for about two weeks after i had my little girl because i had post-natal depression i'd been suffering with depression for years so my doctor told me and i had never realized so i never got any help until i had my little girl, whe4n i was taking the meds i wasn't seeing a therapist so i do agree with you based on that experience i rather thought that they made me feel worse rather than better, but know i see a therapist and don't take the meds anymore, i don't know whether i should go back on them becaose i sink into deep depression every couple of weeks when i'm suffering really bad with flashbacks and nightmares.

[nightfalls]

I have chosen not to post

Edited December 6, 2008 by nightfalls

[crowyhead]

Medication Is Not Enough To Help With Depression And Anxiety Including Self Hurting.

I Want To Press The Fact That Medication Plus Psychotherapy Is Hugely Helpful But, In My Experience And Opinion, Medication Without Therapy Has Limited Benefits.

I think my answer would be "yes and no." After several years of combining medication and therapy, my therapist felt that I was doing very well on my own as long as I stuck with my meds, and that we could stop regular therapy and I could just get in touch if I felt I was in crisis. I went for nearly five years on Wellbutrin without suffering any recurrence of major depression

and without resorting to SI. I started up therapy again last year, though, when I started having problems with depression, anxiety, and SI again, and it's been extremely helpful.

I don't know if the antidepressants alone would have been enough to get me out of my initial major depression and associated problems. When I first started taking them, I was not in therapy, and while I found that they helped with the sucidal ideation and some of my problems, I had a lot of thought patterns that were still presenting a problem. I don't know if I could have actually stayed happy, rather than simply not dangerous to myself, if I hadn't had therapy. On the other hand, once my condition was stable and I had improved greatly, continuing therapy didn't seem necessary until I started having problems again.

crowy

[RKitty]

I don't actually cut... it's weird but when my depression becomes unbearable I have obsessive, incredibly detailed thoughts about cutting (or suicidal cutting) - I can get lost in the fantasy for a while... I suppose it is a way of coping/escape without the physical act of cutting...

There have been times though, when I have been frightened to have anything sharp at all around me for fear of being thrust over the edge from fantasy into reality....

[Natalie]

I wish that I had known this years ago, it would have saved me serious pain and suffering. I don't understand why my MD treated me just with a anti-depressent and didn't refer me to a T and he didn't fallow me very closely. I saw him just once a month for 5 min. He didn't see or understand and I could not comunicate it, how bad I felt that is. I was suicidal and SI'ing and alone. I think to myself now if I had had a T mabe someone would have seen it getting worse when I could not. It was a five month down hill road that ended in a attemp. I don't think medication should be purscribed without a closer fallow-up sinario. I know this situation has affected how I trust Dr's and medication. I have no desire to try a med again I think it made me worse. I know mabe it was just the depression itself but still now I have a total fear of taking medication at all. I have been perscribed a anti-depressant again but I just can't take it, I feel like it is a poision to me. I told my Dr that I could do therapy but no meds. Not yet anyways:o

Hi-

Unfortunately, MDs (unless they are psychiatrists) have very limited training in mental health issues. So, they are not experts in assessing/diagnosing, and treating problems that affect people who come to their offices. Please do not let this negative experience taint your vision of all doctors and all medication. As others have suggested, often, the best approach is a combined approach. However, the medication recommendation and necessary follow up (to tweak the dose and/or to change to a new medication) should come from a psychiatrist, rather than a family doctor or general practitioner.

[Ms. Nobody]

Hi, I’m new to the forum. I began cutting when I was 9 years old and at the time I knew very little about self injury itself, in fact I had never heard of it before. For the longest time I thought I was the only person who did something like this. I felt alone, and I was scared to talk to anyone about what I was going through fearing they would get angry, or disgusted. I can’t remember when I learned that there were other people who SIed as well, but it was, in a way, a great relief.

I don’t recall what made me begin self injury, but the first time I did it was a complete accident. I was helping my cousin build a model car. The kit had an sculpting knife that came along with it. I had just been yelled at by my mother for something I did wrong, and I ran over to my cousins house and was pouting in his room. I started playing with the knife some time later, and I hadn’t even noticed how sharp it was while I was scratching at my arm with it. I guess, unconsciously something about the whole thing made me feel better -- I don’t even completely understand what happened, but I’ve self harmed ever since.

I've never been to any therapists, but I talked to councilors thought my time in high school. I never told them anything about cutting or self injury. I guess I wasn’t ready. Now I know I do want to get help for this, but I’m not sure what to do. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable talking to a complete stranger face to face -- councilors weren’t so bad, but I don’t really trust therapists.

[Mark]

I'm curious why you feel safer with a school counselor than with a therapist? In my mind, the counselor is more likely to be superficial than a therapist (not in a bad way - just that they are more interested in your overall academic performance and not in a position to go into depth with regard to your actual issues - they would probably refer if it was something serious. It it this or something else? If my sense is correct (?) then well - it's no suprise that revealing more intimate fears and concerns to someone is frightening. Most everyone goes through that.

[apainfuladdiction]

i need help quiting cutting and i cant do it alone but i also cant tell any one and it seem like every time i try to quit it just gets worse can some one give me any suggestions

[Kay_J]

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Edited March 19, 2009 by Kay_J

[texasgirl]

Several of you have suggested therapy, I can't even count how many therapist my mother drug me to as a child. I remember driving for many hours sometimes to see different therapist. I was mostly "observed" then we would leave with a new kind of medication added to the list of what I already took. And new kinds of sick twisted "therapy" to try at home. I remember one therapist, I was suppose to talk to this one. I didn't want to so he straddled my lap in the chair I was in and got in my face, course that

just made me clam up even more. I will never forget his face.

I was on so many pills one time that I had blood tests twice a month for many years, to see if it was frying my liver. Must not have been cause the pills continued, so did the little games the therapists had me do. This continued till my teens, then I figured out I could cheek the pills. I became so with drawn my parents didn't have to mess with me anymore which made them happy.

I don't think to much therapy, I have had more than enough.

[mscat]

I started self harming when 16 yrs. old. I was in A psych hospital and a girl woulf cut herself. it was the first time I burned myself was in there. I had cut before as well, however, the burning helped me calm down better. I was also suffering from an eating disorder.

the eating disorder became horrid. I had treatment for that too. Ever since then I can trace back A pattern. I see now that i have always though in black terms, even my weight. the self injury has been an off and on experience for me over the years. Either out of anger, depression, The disconnected feelings of unreality, numbness and despair.

The last couple of yrs. my self injury took an ugly turn. It was back and worse then ever. i have severely injured myself by using chemicals. The burns went tghrough all the layers of my skin. AND i was in the burn unit, surgeries, skin graphs. Left nasty scars, and impaired mobility.

I did this a few times on diferent areas of the body. When it gets that bad I become very disconnected and not real. Body parts is sepaarate , and then I will "attack" a part of the body . Not as punishment , but more like I am zoned out.

Then I am on A high, I feel so much alive and relieved afterwards. Typically, A incident of SI for me, starts out as stress, then builds up from there.

i'll burn mostly to the 2nd degree. I have been dx as Borderline, and clinical depression.

I guess, for me, I cope with the disconnection by burning the flesh right off my skin.

I am no teenager anymore, and nearly 40 yrs old. I do see A therapist weekly, and A psych. doctor for medication. I take a thyroid med, Lexapro, clonidine, Klonipin .

I am on SSDI too.

[Mark]

Katie,

I remember one therapist, I was suppose to talk to this one. I didn't want to so he straddled my lap in the chair I was in and got in my face, course that

just made me clam up even more. I will never forget his face.

What you experienced sounds abusive. At the very least, it was an unwarrented invasion of space and inappropriate conduct from your therapist.

Just so that it is clear, when we suggest therapy to you, we (I?) do not envision someone invading your space, or medicating you to the gills. We have something more healing involved. And it is out there, but perhaps not so easily available in your town.

[texasgirl]

Trying to heal on my own.

[mscat]

The psych Doctor just told me yesterday that I am suppose to bel learning new ways to cope in therapy ....

Well um, I said to him I have done Si since 16 yrs old, and it came back worse then before .. He knows that I am violent towards myself, and I informed him that it is all I can do NOT to SI everyday.

NO, I am not learning new ways to cope in therapy, i just talk, and he gives feedback. Sometimes He is helpful, sometimes it is not.

Fortunately, the times that I have ended up in the Critical Care unit my therapist is contacted by the Psych team, and thankfully I have not ended up in the Psych ward ! I just know what to say . By the time an incident that bad of SI has occured i am so much more calmer and relieved , like A High from the Pain of Burning myself to the third Degree .... that is what it takes for me.

[Kirsten]

Well, I was picked on a lot towards the end of middle school, but never did anything about it I just dealt with it. One day I was channel surfing and I saw some movie or show and a girl had a bunch of problems, and she ends up cutting herself. That's where I first learned of self-injury, television. It was so graphic and she seemed so relieved afterwards. I never finished watching whatever it was, but the next time I was having a really rough day I decided to give it a try, and I felt so calm afterwards. So, that went on for a good while later on I started cutting words "failure" "worthless" things like that. I eventually moved on to burning which I discovered on a site while I was trying to get self-injury help. Again this is something else that I don't think I was really aware that people were doing. So, if it were a bad day I would resort to cutting if it was just the worst day imaginable I would burn. I kind of also used cutting as like a punishment if I got home from school or work and think that I said something really stupid or that I did something wrong. Part of me thinks the punishing part came because my mom never really punishes me for my bad choices and actions, and I've always craved for that structure so I tried to bring it to myself. At any rate I've managed to be si free for 2 years after the last time while I was in college I said no more. Of course I have urges all the time and think about it, but I think I've replaced that with other things, but not necessarily better things.

[mscat]

How bad did you burn yourself? and what did you use? Just curious, because I burn too and not cut anymore. I guess most of the day are worth me to Si. Cutting is something that people notice more and know it was self inflicted .Where As Burning, it is not the first thing somethinks that is self inflicted. Well, in mycase prople just think it was an accident. NOT self inflicted.. Maybe cause they have left bad scars. :eek:

[EliDavis]

I've been self injuring for as long as I can remember. It started by me hitting myself or other things and then I began to cut and burn. I was never introduced to it. It just seem like the pain helped. I didn't even know that anybody else did it until I got older and began researching the topic. I've never told any of my family or friends about my condition.