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Ok, so here it goes.... Can anyone help?


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:o Alright, well I have never posted on a mh forum before, but from what it looks like you guys seem pretty helpfull...

I have never been evaluated by a actual mental health specialist, one due to im very financially strapped and two I have gone through alot of lists of ppl in my area but none of them looked like I would feel comfortable actually talking two. ontoop of the fact I have a hard time articulating my throughts verbally.

ok ok anywho,

Ive always had an anxiety problem as far back as I can remember, so about 5ish? I was never abused, my mom had ptsd but rarely if ever took it out on me, she would get snippy but thats normal for any mom. I was always horrified of just about anything that would in my mind get me in trouble and I would always panic and cry horribly, if i was panic stricken enough i would find myself screaming and crying at the same time, which was simply a hoot..... I used to scratch the backs of my legs and the insides of my elbows in my sleep and unconciously untell they were simply covered in blood, i figure thats an anxiety thing too..

anyways i kinda grew out of bein a wus somewhat but was always anxiety ridden, in highschool i always wore jeans cause I scratched my legs so bad they were simply covered in scars and scratches, I wore shorts one day and everyone i knew made a big stink of it. along that same time I started becomming very paranoid about people touching my ears and neck, anything from a simple poke, or someone jokingly trying to give me a "wet willy". I would freak out and smack their hand away in a panic.

around 17ish untill now, I have had all of those same problems ontop of now I have panic attacks, my adrenaline races anywhere from 8-15 times a day, I unconciously rub the skin off my ring fingers daily so I have to wear bandages on them to stop it. I hallucinate daily, seeing horriffic images that seem like a transparancy over what im really seeing ( when im driving, all of a sudden I see someone walking across the street and gets plowed over by a car, parts and blood everywhere then in a split second everything is back to normal. when im driving over a bridge I see myself drive off plunge into the water and almost feel the cold water start to fill my car then all of a sudden everythings back to normal) but underneith it all I can still see where im driving, ive never been in a accident or anything and ive never felt like ive dozed off or anything so thats why ive come to the conclusion thats its a hallucination.

My thoughts race constantly, I cant hold a steady thought, when i try it just slips away, my memory has been getting steadily worse and worse, some days to the point I cant remember what I did the day before.

Im a filmmaker I love to dabble around on ideas when i can rememeber them but my biggest problem is trying to verbalize what I want my actors to do or explain a film to my co producer, I simply cant do it...I have to write it down, when I try and verbalize it I become simply horrified and almost go into a panic attack.

I have developed a studder cause my mind goes faster than my mouth alot, and I have very vioent mood swings, easily angerd to Crying to being fine, to being horribly depressed....

Ive taken stramonium ( NightShade extract from my naturopathic doctor) that calms down ym adrenaline and slightly helps with my hallunications, but it wears off faster and faster each time, 1 month, 2 weeks a week....ect....

Ive been "unmedicated" for about 3 weeks to a month, ive felt rediculously creative, everything is moving so fast, then I get so tired....then back to the world running a mile a minute, im not hallucinating tooo bad but i dont knwo when that will change....

some days are better than others....does anyone have any clues? any answers? a diagnosis? multi-diagnosis?

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Well, it's a bit awkward, because we do want to welcome you and we do want to be helpful, but realistically, no one's going to try to diagnose you over the internet.

What we can do is listen, and give free advice with the usual warning about getting what you pay for ... Or more importantly, just try to understand.

Usually the criteria for seeking help are, are these things frequent enough and severe enough to interfere with you functioning. I think what you describe sounds serious enough to go see a professional about it, especially hallucinating things. Even if you've looked at lists ... By the way, how do you look at a list of names and tell whether you'd feel comfortable talking to them? I have a hard time telling even after I've met them. :-)

It took me a while to decide to try therapy (and to decide to go back, when I did), but it has always helped. The therapists I have met have all been very caring people who want to help.

Financial issues can be a problem, but there are resources such as Alcoholics Anonymous (even if you don't abuse substances) or clergy, clinics and such. Perhaps others here can suggest more resources than I know about.

Just ... you (and everyone else) deserve to have a life free of these afflictions. All it takes is to find out the options, not to just get a name for what it is, but to do something about it.

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There is no telling what this could be, but the symptoms you are describing are quite serious, I think. Realistic visual hallucinations, racing thoughts, self-injury, etc. This could be a psychotic condition, it could be something in the way of bipolar disorder, it could be an anxiety condition, it could be some combination of things. There's no telling without a full clinical diagnostic interview, which I think you ought to find a way to afford, first to satisfy your curiosity about what this is, and two to learn about how these symptoms might be treated.

Yes diagnosis can be expensive. To the tune of several hundred dollars for a single appointment if you pay out of pocket. And if you are anxious about being interviewed and talking about yourself, that will only make the process harder (more anxiety provoking), but really there is no substitute for it, and it would provide you with valuable information you could use to help yourself cope better. It is unlikely there is any cure for what ails you, but it is likely that there are treatments that could help some. If you are strapped but not absolutely destitute, you can probably save up the necessary money. Alternatively, you might qualify for public mental health assistance which could be available at lower cost or even possibly free depending on your circumstances.


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