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Can't decide whether to help my size-queen sister


CNL
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Just vomiting up feelings I've actually already posted about before. I should be in bed but if I don't type this I'll just be angry and unable to sleep.

I used to have to listen to my sister have sex in my parent's house. One guy apparently had a penis "the size of a glue-stick" and I never really heard anything when he came over. Another guy was apparently average because she once remarked, while complaining about the previous guy, "...and at least his dick isn't the size of a gluestick." I only heard them through the walls once and it was mostly the sound of the bed; her moans were tepid and she later remarked that he wasn't very good (I think she used to speak so openly about sexual stuff because she thought I was gay for awhile, plus we're just vulgar, honest people in general). She said this in that infuriatingly entitled tone that women have when they go about ranking the sexual prowess of their partners.

The last guy, the one she recently got engaged to and is having a baby with, was hung and I literally had to go outside every time they had sex. If I was downstairs with headphones on I could still hear her making those guttural groans that even in amateur porn I've only ever heard when the guy has a thick penis. It's the same old story; this guy was a druggie, cheated on her several times, etc. He's polite and cool to talk to and he cleaned up his life a little bit, but she's back with him for the sex almost certainly. That and she got herpes and was deadset against meeting new guys (she broke up with him once before).

I'm not assuming anything about his size either. Once when we were watching a tv show a character said "I guess bigger isn't always better," actually in reference to breast size I think. She muttered under her breath "yeah it is." Another time we watched this video interviewing women about size and she kept insinuating that it matters. She also thought it was hilarious that glue-stick was so small.

The part you won't believe is that she's actually a really nice, caring person who tried really, really hard to make those first two relationships work. She's even made totally contradictory comments about how size queens are shallow. Then again, maybe it isn't contradictory. She prefers the sensations of bigger penises but was willing to try with guys she hated having sex with. I guess that's just what it is.

The trauma I experienced from having to hear those sounds will probably persist for the rest of my life. Every night I had to escape outside, as if I was the one being rude shouting my seemingly 10-minute orgasm throughout the thin walls of our house. My best friend in the world became a visceral representation of things I know I'd never be able to achieve and for some reason I hate her for it. I can't watch PIV porn when women make noises anymore; it just reminds me of having to listen to her and I start thinking violent thoughts toward all women.

I told her I'd help watch her baby because daycare is going to hurt them financially, but part of me wants that happen. Ninety percent of me wants to help, but a voice inside me wants to tell her the truth: that I don't give a fuck about her kid because she is the kind of person that makes me hate sexuality - that I want her to suffer because of her sexual preferences. More than likely I'll end up helping her anyway because I'm just in a bad mood right now and this hateful conviction feels like the kind that usually evaporates overnight, but right now I seriously hate her. It's like life has presented me with this one opportunity to hurt one of these size-queen cunts in some way, even if she won't know that's the reason, and I want to take that opportunity even though I know that what I just said makes no sense whatsoever and probably isn't the right thing to do.

I haven't felt this hateful in a long time, but I made the mistake of reading a thread about women's opinions on penis size for the first time in like  2 or 3 years, just because I was bored. What annoys me is the way women are honest about their preferences; for instance when my sister would make these remarks her tone was one of frustration with people telling white lies to spare our feelings, as if she felt persecuted in some way. Only once she sounded somewhat lamentful speaking on the smallest guy ( "I guess he has trouble meeting people") but predominantly it seems to irritate her that people think the feelings of poorly endowed men should be considered at all.

Even if I found a woman who was the perfect fit for me penis I wouldn't want to penetrate her. I hate the idea of trying to feel about myself by pleasuring a woman. I hate my attraction to them. Just the fact that I would automatically fall into one of these "rankings" in the mind of any woman, whether by conscious decision or not, has irritated me out of even desiring to ever penetrate a woman; I have not even felt attracted to vaginas for over five years. Abrupt rant ending.

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Hey CNL I respect the sincerity and authenticity of your post.  While I have not had the exact experience you describe I certainly know first hand the pain of being left out, excluded, from the good times of sexual relationships.  Listening to others hump away while you sit there alone is humiliating to say the least.  

If I had an answer I would share it.  All I can say is life is brutal in every way and human beings are the lowest life forms on the planet.  So one should gage one's expectations accordingly I guess.  

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6 hours ago, Victimorthecrime said:

Hey CNL I respect the sincerity and authenticity of your post.  While I have not had the exact experience you describe I certainly know first hand the pain of being left out, excluded, from the good times of sexual relationships.  Listening to others hump away while you sit there alone is humiliating to say the least.  

If I had an answer I would share it.  All I can say is life is brutal in every way and human beings are the lowest life forms on the planet.  So one should gage one's expectations accordingly I guess.  

Thanks for responding Victim. You're right about expectations; my sister actually made her anti-size-queen comments before all of the brutal comments, so it was twice as cutting because I'd taken solace in her as an example of an attractive girl who'd had a big penis before but was still willing to try with smaller dudes. Honestly, if the quality of sex varies that much from dick to dick I can't be angry at her for choosing the big guy. I would probably do the same thing if I was girl, and this is what makes me even more resentful. I can't say that I wouldn't be so shallow.

If a demon came up from the ground and told me that to be with my true love I would have to eat food with no seasoning for the rest of my life, or listen to my music at only half-volume, I'd probably say no thanks and pick someone else. And I'm getting mad at women for having the same mentality regarding a primal need?

But whatever. As I predicted I don't feel half as bitter as I did last night. I know it's douchey to post quotes but I don't have the attention span to read literature very often so I cherish the few that I can actually relate to.

It is awfully easy to be hard-boiled about everything in the daytime, but at night is another thing. - Hemingway

I could never finish that book, The Sun Also Rises. I'd never compare myself to men with permanent ED but I think the character who says this is feeling that way at the moment because he's thinking about a girl he'll never be able to satisfy. If it doesn't exist already I hope one of the controversial literary classics yet to be written is an in depth study of a man with a small dick. At this point I'm more tired of nobody knowing we exist than I am of actually suffering through this.

 

 

 

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Your posts express the thoughts in my mind so singularly well, CNL. This happened to me when I left home for college and had to live communally, first in dormitories then apartments. It is genuinely psychologically unbalancing to hear what you describe, and it's something you don't forget. Nytaiji was another member who described this. I remember the first time I had actual sex (or tried), and after I got hard enough to penetrate, she simply laid there mute. She didn't even wince when it went in. I immediately began to lose arousal and absolutely hated her and all women in that instant. 

College was hell. I've just spent the last year back on campus for graduate school, and I hate all these people. The girls dress like shameless whores and when some sit down you can see their ass cheeks. This is normal casual student wear. It's almost unbearable at times knowing this place is simply a buffet of pussy for so many guys, and that I have never had any of it. Only fat girls or a single mother, all over 25. It's a frustration like no other when you review your life and realize not a single women, even the ugly ones, lamented your departure or ever lusted for you. 

Regarding your dilemma, I would not do a fucking thing for her. I'm normally indifferent to women until they start talking about sex or sexuality, when every fucking word is one more particle in the stream of self-entitled, hypocritical bullshit they spew about this topic. The reason she could speak out against size queens and simultaneously deride poor glue stick is precisely because she's a woman - what's good for the gander is never good for the goose. Appearances matter more than substance. By speaking out against size queens, she's assured herself she's not that shallow, and therefore it's alright to keep seeing Big Dick. Heck, it might even be love, if it feels that good, right? Right.

Let her pay the price for that good dick. If she wants it, make her work for it. I wouldn't do jack shit.

 

Question: does she know you have sps?

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I'm already halfway through crafting an excuse to only help out one day a week at most, maybe two every now and then. Some day I'll probably text her a less hostile version of this post - we used to talk about anything and everything. I just don't feel like dealing with whatever the hell that would mean right now.

I remember reading your posts about having to listen to moaning in dorms. It's annoying trying to convey that feeling to people who don't understand. That I should hear a sound and spontaneously forget every other facet of myself, define myself by sexual prowess, estimate the sounds I would generate and then assign myself a rank so repugnant to my self-esteem that I start having a panic attack is really such a strange thing that I'm not sure I'll ever successfully communicate it to a woman or a well endowed man.

It's as foreign to them as the behaviors of a person with OCD are to me. It'd be like a stranger trying to explain to me why it is that the sound of a car alarm makes him want to buy a rubber chicken and start doing a handstand. Or like idiots who ask foot fetishists why they like feet. The compulsive quality of that self-torture that occurs when I hear these sounds, which should really be no more bewildering or hard to understand than the compulsive arousal that normal men feel when they hear them, is the big blind spot for people. Why I want them to at least earn their callousness by understanding that feeling first I don't even know anymore.

I'm talking out of my ass but I don't wonder if things like shemale porn and a significant portion of the males who want a sex change stem somewhat from the very issues we talk about on here. SPS is the undiscussed leviathan. I'm totally convinced 90 percent of men obsess over it, think about it as often as they contemplate death and the other big questions. These feelings are just too intense and pervasive for it to be otherwise.

I'm lucky enough to not have to spend time around hot girls. I've had my fill of that misanthropic feeling you describe. You said once before that when you're in the midst of that feeling there's an intuition toward violence that is no longer allowed in our society. I definitely remember feeling that, like I wanted to inflict physical harm on my own sister and her boyfriend for being what they were, like the only way I could ever shut off this compulsory mechanism of my ego would be to literally kill the guy bragging about his bigger dick in the youtube comments of a Bill Burr video, because even if you beat him up and have a higher iq and more money your brain still cares more about sexual power than any of those things, whether you want it to or not.

It sucks to think you're beyond those feelings only to realize that you've just gotten better at avoiding them.

edit: I've never told her about my sps but she might know. I once handed her my phone to look at some stupid video or something and I think she accidentally clicked the address bar (this site was in the frequented videos link at the time) because she said "uh oh," in this uncomfortable tone she always gets when she feels awkward. That actually was after she made all of these comments. She's not as much of a bitch as I'm probably making her sound like and if I called her out on these things I'm sure she would apologize. It's hard to know how to feel.

 

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Don't get me wrong CNL but it was very likely that a lot of the moaning came because of the foreplay before he entered your sister. A bigger dick needs a woman to be as wet as possible and the moaning might also be in anticipation of that big penis entering her then the actual feeling of that penis. It's almost like a placebo affect , the guy might of also been using special techniques because he has had a lot of partners before. Like playing with her clit while having sex with her, this shit all comes with confidence and experience. 

The problem for your sister is that not many men will meet up to this guy if she considers him to have the perfect dick, so if he ends up being a asshole later on and cheating on her shes going to feel in a desperate situation. 

Instead of telling her that you have sps, ask her what makes her feel better, the foreplay(Tongue on vagina) or the actual penetration. You might be surprised by the answer. ;)

 

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On 4/14/2017 at 10:20 PM, CNL said:

I'm already halfway through crafting an excuse to only help out one day a week at most, maybe two every now and then. Some day I'll probably text her a less hostile version of this post - we used to talk about anything and everything. I just don't feel like dealing with whatever the hell that would mean right now.

I remember reading your posts about having to listen to moaning in dorms. It's annoying trying to convey that feeling to people who don't understand. That I should hear a sound and spontaneously forget every other facet of myself, define myself by sexual prowess, estimate the sounds I would generate and then assign myself a rank so repugnant to my self-esteem that I start having a panic attack is really such a strange thing that I'm not sure I'll ever successfully communicate it to a woman or a well endowed man.

It's as foreign to them as the behaviors of a person with OCD are to me. It'd be like a stranger trying to explain to me why it is that the sound of a car alarm makes him want to buy a rubber chicken and start doing a handstand. Or like idiots who ask foot fetishists why they like feet. The compulsive quality of that self-torture that occurs when I hear these sounds, which should really be no more bewildering or hard to understand than the compulsive arousal that normal men feel when they hear them, is the big blind spot for people. Why I want them to at least earn their callousness by understanding that feeling first I don't even know anymore.

I'm talking out of my ass but I don't wonder if things like shemale porn and a significant portion of the males who want a sex change stem somewhat from the very issues we talk about on here. SPS is the undiscussed leviathan. I'm totally convinced 90 percent of men obsess over it, think about it as often as they contemplate death and the other big questions. These feelings are just too intense and pervasive for it to be otherwise.

I'm lucky enough to not have to spend time around hot girls. I've had my fill of that misanthropic feeling you describe. You said once before that when you're in the midst of that feeling there's an intuition toward violence that is no longer allowed in our society. I definitely remember feeling that, like I wanted to inflict physical harm on my own sister and her boyfriend for being what they were, like the only way I could ever shut off this compulsory mechanism of my ego would be to literally kill the guy bragging about his bigger dick in the youtube comments of a Bill Burr video, because even if you beat him up and have a higher iq and more money your brain still cares more about sexual power than any of those things, whether you want it to or not.

It sucks to think you're beyond those feelings only to realize that you've just gotten better at avoiding them.

edit: I've never told her about my sps but she might know. I once handed her my phone to look at some stupid video or something and I think she accidentally clicked the address bar (this site was in the frequented videos link at the time) because she said "uh oh," in this uncomfortable tone she always gets when she feels awkward. That actually was after she made all of these comments. She's not as much of a bitch as I'm probably making her sound like and if I called her out on these things I'm sure she would apologize. It's hard to know how to feel.

 

Maybe you should consider telling her. It sounds as if the two of you had a good brother/sister relationship and could talk about most anything. Maybe I'm saying that because I always wanted a sister, I don't know. But I do think that biggest problem with sps is that none of us talk about it to anybody. Problems in life can get solved, but if they're never discussed, they'll never be resolved. I totally understand your anger and can identify with it completely. I feel anger everyday when I see couples out and about and know that I can never have that. I truly don't have anyone to talk to about any of this....but you do. If she were willing to give gluestick a shot, she's not a total bitch. I think a lot of the shit we hear come out of women's mouths are society driven cliches that they just buy into. If she loves you like a sister should, she'd want to hear you out and maybe she could think of ways to help. Of course I'm saying all this not knowing either of you, so just some thoughts. 

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