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My wife "doesn't know" what pleases her sexually


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I've been wanting to write this topic for some time now, get it out in the open. 

My wife and I have been together for more than 26 years.  We've been married 16 of those years.  Basically I had a fairly normal life.  Sexually I am open minded and like to experiment.  My wife had a good childhood other than a parental breakup, but as far as I know, didn't have any childhood traumas or abuses.  She is more of a vanilla sex kind of gal.  

Now, I know that we were sexually incompatible from the day we met.  But that didn't bother me that much. I will admit that some of my exploitation of sex was a bit lonely, but my wife has come around and has generously been part of my sexual play here and there.  I love her and respect her so much that even with the loner sex play, I was OK with not having her part of everything.  I am not the sorts that believes she needs to have sex every time that I do since my frequency was about 4 times a week.  However, her frequency was not great, around once every two weeks sometimes frequency would go up during her ovulation and it was pretty good sex. 

Well, we are now in our 40's and I think she is starting to slowly go into menopause.  I mention menopause because it may be driving her depression and possibly contributing more to what I have to say next.  

With all that being said.  One discussion with her that never really gets resolved or changes constantly is what pleases her sexually.  I am open minded like I said, so not too much surprises me.  But she is closeted on what she likes.  I am aggressive sometimes which does help because I will suggest things and get the yes/no answer which did work for years.

Fast forward to a few years ago, I was diagnosed with type II diabetes and now it’s under control.  I unfortunately was inflicted with ED.  This DID cause some issues with spontaneity and penetration. 

We had a few horrible years lately, many family and job issues.  This has caused her to really clam up and get cold.  Being understanding I don’t blame her for being closed.  However, I could have sex even if the world was coming to an end.  But the meat and potatoes of this discussion is that she is now clammed up so much, she is not opening up anymore. 

Communication is important but we haven’t been talking much lately.  She is still going through some rough times, but I have come to grips with the fact that it’s just not our year or decade.  I am now finding happiness where I can.  Health, family time, my time, working on projects etc.  I even suggested she find a hobby.  That didn't pan out so well.

I was getting so frustrated that I stopped all touching, complimenting and I even stopped buying Viagra, it's the classic 'withholding sex' ploy.  Buying Viagra was a waste of money, the last 6 pills, I used 5 of them by myself with masturbation.  I was getting pretty pissed.  I basically almost gave up.  No sex for over 2 months and even when we did have sex, it was getting pretty unimaginative.  I guess since I got ED, her vanilla way is now becoming an issue.  I have been jerking off and doing whatever I could to get through this dry spell.  But being solo can only last so long.  Also, we are overweight and because of my penis length we can't even do doggy style, something I am working on currently with exercise.  But today we finally started talking. 

The conversation was not the best.  Basically I again mentioned the frequency is an issue and she informed me that because of my frustration over my ED, she felt that maybe it was best to cut back on sex so that I wasn’t as frustrated.  I wanted to tell her that I think she was full of it, but I didn’t.  I told her that her coldness is causing my ED to get worse because I was getting some erection back but if the frequency is getting even lower, then the pressure to penetrate would increase and cause even more ED issues.  She understood.

I still think that because the sex is not awesome and addictive, it’s not bringing her back for seconds, so I posed the question again to her “What would it take to make sex awesome and very pleasurable”.  She said what she always seems to say “I don’t know”.  So we’re going to go around in circles again, just like before, because if she doesn't know what she wants, then how am I supposed to adjust my performance to suit her.  Unfortunately I coldly said "Well, get back to me when you have an answer".  Something tells me this is not going to end well.

I am so frustrated!!

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Some women are just not open about their sexuality. My wife is one of those, as well, so it took a lot of trial and error on my part and when I figured out how to make her cum I stuck with that as my "go to". I continue to experiment and try different things and sometimes I hit on something she likes (I can tell by how she reacts) but many times I get either no response or a clear signal it's not for her.

Truth be told, I stick with the "go to" move more than anything else now just because I know it works. Yes, that becomes a little boring after a while but if she gets off then I guess the mission was a success.

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Sounds like a headache. The old cold shoulder routine from both sides. You did the right thing by bringing it up though, maybe try and bring some old fashion love into the mix? If she's romantic try and bring her back online a bit. They're wired differently to us unfortunately, but you could try and remember what worked when you were first dating. Ignite some old sparks maybe, jump start the passion? Sex is such a disgusting thing, it's primal, gross and depraved, which is probably why we all love it so much lol, but it has to run concurrently with the love we feel for eachother, especially with marriage, there's nothing better than being filthy together ha. Good luck with it, I hope you crack the code and get a good routine back. 

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How is your relationship otherwise? For me, the experience is an expression of an emotional connection. If she is closed off, maybe she is going through a difficult time and/or maybe your relationship needs nurturing? It's possible too that intimacy and sex has different meaning for her or maybe her needs are different. I think it's good that you brought up your concerns with her. I hope you continue to talk openly with one another and that it is helpful.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hey Kev - my wife is the exact same, can never get a clear answer from her and it's been 15 years. Most of the other women i've been with yell at me within the first week and tell me what they like.  But If that's your only issue, thank the lord above and move on and love and hold her again.  When you do that, I can promise that she will initiate something from it (unless you expect it). 

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