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Pedophilia or POCD??


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3 weeks ago i was watching a show, and a man changed a baby girls diaper. For some reason I had the urge to touch the baby's clitoris. This thought scared the shit out of me and I immediately had a panic attack. My parents literally found me in my room sobbing about how I'm an awful person but I couldn't tell them why. Since then, i've been having uncontrolable intrusive thoughts about kids kids and babies. I keep seeing myself molesting children and I can't make the images go away. I don't think i enjoy them, but other times I'm worried that I might. For example, I had an image of myself touching a small child in my mind, and when I made it go away I felt a twinge of something that may have been disapointment. After that realizing that I had another panic attack.

I don't know what feelings are real and what aren't. I have no motivation for life and the fact that I might be a pedo makes me want to puke. I can't sleep because of the thoughts and leaving the house makes me want to die because there are children everywhere and I can't stop analyzing how I feel around them. Sometimes, I think I feel arousal but it may just be my brain messing with me. This situation is making me literally want to die.

Also, I've never liked kids or babies. I never planned on having them but all of the sudden I think babies amd todders are adorable?? But specifically female ones. I can't tell if this is just normal "babies are cute!" Stuff or if I'm attracted to them. I don't think I am, but what if I'm just living in denial??

I think I should mention that I'm a 14 year old girl so I can't go to psychiatrist or a professional about this issue. 

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I'm not sure I'm following the conclusion "... so I can't go to" a professional.  Can you tell your parents that you're having horrible intrusive thoughts, and leave it at that?  It would seem that if you'd rather die, asking for help might be better, especially if you don't have to reveal too much.

If you enjoyed the thoughts, they wouldn't be intrusive.  But that reassurance won't last long, because you'll start testing that too.  Get help before that happens.  You deserve to be happy.

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