new member....need help

[pokets]

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Hi...

Not sure where to start, I have recently been discharged from pshchiatric hospital following a severe overdose and s/i...They have since changed all my meds, and they have put me in the care of a cpn...All i can think of at the moment is wen i can next s/i i cut, and i cant get it out of my head, my arms r so sore at the mo but that doesnt stop the feeling of wanting to do more. i just dont feel in control of my thoughts n feelings and i hurt so much inside. they also diagnosed me with bpd a label which i hate. I split up with my partner last week, dont ask why i just cudnt cope with the relationship and yes i regrett it now but there is no going back i have hurt them too much. but at the time i cudnt cope with being loved, i know that probably doesnt make sense to u but it was how i felt. i can talk abit to my cpn but there is always a fear if u talk to much they will put me back in hospital. just wot a bloody mess it all is....

thanks for listening'

jo

[Lie_low]

Hey, Joanne,

It’s difficult, but you can get through this. I know that many of us can relate to what you said about your thoughts and feelings being out of control. Sometimes the feelings are so intense, and the thoughts so relentless that we resort to things like self-injury to try to feel better. Do you have a plan for what to do when you feel like self-injuring again? It’s a lot to deal with but it with but it can get better.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Jo and Meredith,

I always told my patients not to take diagnoses too seriously. You are first and foremost a human being. BPD is just a label and does not describe you as a person.

Jo, can you tell us more about yourself and how you got to this point in your life?

Allan

[pokets]

Hi ....

Answering to what allan asked...

I was sexually abused at the age of 7 by my step brother this went on for about a yr until he was asked to leave the family home, nobody explained why this was altho now i believe my mum n step dad knew of the abuse but in my family u do not talk about things! When he left i felt as tho as he had abandoned me tho i was also happy that i no longer had to "please him". I went on to high school and was very destructive there i just wanted to ask for help but didnt know how to ask, i felt different from everybody, i was also raped at the age of 14 by a fellow pupil, never told anyone thought it was my problem and i must of encouraged his to happen. I went on to sleeping around with numerous people. But i knew at this age i was attracted to girls not boys but i didnt want to be "differnent" again, i just wanted to fit in and be loved. At the age of 15 i started to si i dont know how or where i got this from i just one day started to cut myself and it felt oh so good, taking all the pain i had inside and made it real on the outside. At 17 i admitted to my mother that i was gay, and was seeing a lady 7 yrs my snr and she had 2 children who i adored. my mum cut me from the family but after yr we started talking and she began to accept the fact and welcomed the children as her grandchildren. During this time i had been put on various meds, for depression anxiety and referred to a pshychaitrist and psychtherapist, I was hospitialised wen i was 21 for a overdose and was there for about 4 weeks and from that time my life just kept going down, my partner was an abusive alchoholic but i loved her and i loved the kids i just cudnt walk out, in a way i needed. Tho i thought iwas happy i contd to si alot, always wen i had the house to myself, i sometimes talked to my t about this but was very secretive about it tho my partner knew and often used this against me. i was in and out of pshc hospital. Then jumping forward 15 yrs my relationship ended due to her going off with another woman and tearing our family apart, i was sectioned on this occasion for 6 months as they considered me a danger to myself and others. On my discharge i was put into supportive housing, and put into a day care program which i hated. my partner had left me with debts. The children went to live with their father tho they were 15n 16.i was still in love the woman altho she was with someone else and after wot she had put me thru. we saw each other and she wud occasionally spend the nite with me this went on for about a yr, then she got ill, and was diagnosed with cancer throughout her body she had just turned 40 she was diagnosed on the 23rd jan and died on the 9 feb very quick, no time to sort things or get answers that i needed i went to the funeral which was so hard. this was 3 yrs ago and i still cant get over loosing her. Tho 18 mths ago had started to see someone else i thouht i loved her i think i did..do... but in dec just gone i took a serious overdose and si badly i was hospitalsed for 5 weeks, this brings me up to date, my new\partner started to play head games with me ad i had had enough of this with my last partner it was destroying me altho i love her i knew i had to end it so i did...very hurtful for her and i know now i went about it in the wrong way but no going back..she said we cud remain friends but i have just found that she is back with her ex after a week of us splitting and her saying she loved me, i have not had any contact now for a couple of days, and altho i was the one to end it it hurts, i just feel so confused right now and i see my cpn weekly and pyschaiatrist monthly, they hold my meds and my mum gives them to me every two days this was a condition of my discharge. i just find myself thinking of wen i can leave this mortal world, i am obsessed with cleaning and checking things and this is exhausting me to the point of tears, and i cant go a day without si. i just want all this pain to stop and i want to stop the thoughts i have which are very disturbing but i cant tell anyone about. I feel lost and unable to live, i cant sleep if i eat i bring it back up, and i just want things to be "normal" a life that i dream of but never had. sorry for going on, but this is the best i cud explain things.

jo

[finding my way]

Hi jo! You have been very courageous in the midst of an extremely difficult life. No wonder you are so weary of the world; that is just too much for a person to have to go through:(. Does it help at all to hear of others that are also struggling so hard to hang on? Sometimes having compassion for another who is going through like issues can jumpstart a little compassion for yourself. Having a little compassion for yourself can help you to find a little rest and peace. You have been through so much. You cannot possibly solve and fix and make everything better in a short time, but you can open a tiny place of love for yourself by realizing you are doing what you can and let yourself rest along the way and trust others to hold you along the way. I'm so sorry that it has to be so difficult. I hope you will keep writing.

[paula]

Hi Jo

I too went through a similar situation apart from being Gay, as I am straight.

I've been hospitalized x2 and the last time only in November of last year. Both of mine were for taking overdoses! But fortunately, I don't have the urge to S/I. I also have been diagnosed with BPD.

Do you think that you could of been expecting to much of your former girlfriend? What I mean is: Do you think that she could of been on the re-bound from the girl that died? Because she didn't meet up to your expectations, and trying to start where you left off with your previous girlfriend?

Because she were probably no where alike to your previous girlfriend, this is what could be niggling at you? You might not be ready for a new relationship? Jo, you must let sleeping dogs lie (excuse the expression) Nothing is going to bring her back, life goes on, shit happens!

You can't go on mourning her death! She probably wouldn't of wanted that! All you can do is go on!

It's the things that you don't see coming that hit you the hardest & keep you down the longest!

Please accept my condolences & I wish you luck for the future!

[pokets]

Thanku for ur replies they r much appreciated....

ya know, that i know shit happens in life and u r expected to move on from it, if we cud then wud any of us need this web site...i know she wudnt want me to feel like this, but with the ann of her death coming up tomoro its hard not to remember....perhaps i wasnt ready for a new relationship, but i def wasnt ready for the head games that came with it, i seem to stumble into destructive relationships, but all this is stopping THE END fuck em all.

[paula]

Hi Jo

I didn't mean any of my post to offend you, I were simply trying to state that I know where your coming from on the Depression side of things! I apologize if I have offended or upset you sorry! Truly, it was to try and encourage you to carry on with your life as I am trying to do with mine?

We have both tried to take our own life's x2, and I were merely trying to prevent you from acting on these intuitions again!

I am sorry to hear that its the anniversary of her death tomorrow (Monday). Have you not got anyone who could be with you at this sad time? Family, maybe a friend?

My thoughts are with you at this sad time!

[pokets]

Hi....

Paula u didnt offend at all, i was just angry at the world...still am but have managed to calm a bit...Ur comments did make sense and i ty for them so dont feel u have to apologise u said nothing that i didnt really know and u know wot they say about hearing the truth, and i understand u were saying it to help....I have had a couple of very difficult days and ended up si, which resulted in my support worker taking me to emergency to have the cuts stitched, which i hated, but didnt really have a choice, my cpn said if i cudnt seak treatment for my wounds then she wud have to intervene and take steps to keep me safe n treated, but if i agreed to seek medical help then i wud be seen to be acting more rationally. so i faced the shame, embaressment and humiliating thoughts and had my cuts treated. This has released some of my darker thoughts but am still struggling with my thoughts and emotions. I must say tho my support worker has been brill and i wudnt of made the last couple of days without her. And altho i directed alot of my anger n frustration at her she contd to be there and not judge or critisise me.

[paula]

Hi Jo

I'm glad I haven't offended you! I were worried there for a bit!

I feel for you when you s/i, but that is something that I do not do as of yet! There's a girl on this forum site who could probably help you with your self injure issues. What I'm trying to say is this lady called mscat, has been through a lot with her life and also has a disabled son to cope with as well. My best bet would be to talk to her, because she would know exactly what your going through regarding your s/i and believe me Jo, she is a very nice women, honestly!

I am not trying to pass you over to someone else, I just don't want to put my big foot in it again...

Anytime you want a shoulder to cry on... I'll be right here waiting.

[mscat]

Hi Joanne,

I am sorry you are going through such a hard time! SI And overdosing to me,are all ways of coping. Even though they are self destructive they are still ways of dealing with stuff and trying to feel better. Sometimes SI can helpa person feel better by getting rid of all the bad feelings and hate for a while, but then it all comes back and everything is the same again. Being Hospitalised always sucks , even if it is temporary, it really does not make anything better, but only keeps us safe for a while. Glad your still with us!

Relationship problems is a familiar issue with those who suffer from BPD.... Even though the label leaves a lot to be desired, do not focus on that! I hate labels no matter what it is... So try not to let it get to you.

I hope things will become easier for you to deal with , and SI will not be your primary source of coping . Right now it is working though, and it is very hard to get away from it once started. SI is something I know very well, and it has done it's ddamage all over my body. Something I am not proud of one bit! i have caused severe damage to myself too. But always walk the thin line of hospitalization .

However as a Teen was in a few and then more .... SO I try my darnest not to let that happen ever again.

I hope you can find support here and feel better about writing down your feelings. A lot of us have been there and will try to help you feel better.

[pokets]

I dont know where to go from here, i am in a living hell, i snap or push away all that care\n love me, my mood is so low at the min, im hearing n seeing things which half the time i dont know if there real or not, i am scared to go out in case someone looks at me or says something which may lead me to uncontrolable anger, thats how i feel inside, i hate the world and i hate me. i just wish i wudnt wake up in the morning. im taking my meds but still i am on this reelng down rollercoaster. i feel so self destructive that i am scared of being with me, i hope that makes sense, it doesnt to me. my ocd has got so bad im even having a job to keep up with it, i thought i had control but i actually admitted to myself today that it has a hold over me and so does my si i dont want to be me anymore, i have no control and im scared shitless my thoughts and feelings are dark and disturbing. i feel so isolated, i jave to go now coz im crying my eyes out and i cant remember the last time i did that and i hate that to, its just weakness coming thru.

[paula]

Hi Jo

Please hang on in there!

i have no control and im scared shitless my thoughts and feelings are dark and disturbing. i feel so isolated, i jave to go now coz im crying my eyes out and i cant remember the last time i did that and i hate that to, its just weakness coming thru.

Is there anyone close enough for you to confide in about your feelings? You need to get back and see you doctor & explain all this to him.

It's the things you don't see coming that hit you the hardest & keep you down the longest...

Giving up doesn't always mean your weak... Sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go?

[mscat]

I dont know where to go from here, i am in a living hell, i snap or push away all that care\n love me, my mood is so low at the min, im hearing n seeing things which half the time i dont know if there real or not, i am scared to go out in case someone looks at me or says something which may lead me to uncontrolable anger, thats how i feel inside, i hate the world and i hate me. i just wish i wudnt wake up in the morning. im taking my meds but still i am on this reelng down rollercoaster. i feel so self destructive that i am scared of being with me, i hope that makes sense, it doesnt to me. my ocd has got so bad im even having a job to keep up with it, i thought i had control but i actually admitted to myself today that it has a hold over me and so does my si i dont want to be me anymore, i have no control and im scared shitless my thoughts and feelings are dark and disturbing. i feel so isolated, i jave to go now coz im crying my eyes out and i cant remember the last time i did that and i hate that to, its just weakness coming thru.

Yes, it makes sense! As I read your post, I felt like i could have been the one writing it. There is a lot of pain in what you wrote and sadness. "scared of being with me" that to me, is about not sure about oneself or what one might do . The loss of control is terribly frightning, been there personally. Also It is the severe depression too, all having to do with anger and sadness deep inside. It is terrifying to feel such loss of control over oneself. Dark thoughts are what i have had too, and it is Never fun to experience that. I think it has to do with the depression and the sense of losing control.

Do you talk to A counselor? It helps to be able to discuss things over just to get it out and feel supported. Whoever is giving the meds to you needs to know what is going on and that they are not helping you feel any better.

I am very sorry things are. If it is any comfort to you , your not alone in the way your feeling ... I too have been there, and it is such an isolating experience. . When things get to be so bad and out of control I typically will sleep as much as possible, and stay in a dark room. AND sometimes SI... But i don't reccomend that . i wish i had the answers for you, but don't. All I can do is try and let you know that I understand where you are coming from and feel for you. i hope things will become easier for you and you can be ok. Keep writing here, at least it is a way to get things out . That is what I do and it feels safer that way..