(SI) help!

[nicnac]

my life hasn't been the greatest. sometimes i feel like i don't have the right to complain and then others i feel so miserable that i don't want to do it anymore. i have been raped multiple times by different people. i have been abused and abandoned. i have been diagnosed with everything in the book. i have been on a lot of meds with little to show for it. i have been hospitalized 3 times and i spent three months in a residential facility after my last suicide attempt. needless to say ive been through treatment. i have a DBT therapist which we finally just got insurance to pay for, and i also have a psychiatrist. im on some medicine now, but i don't think that its doing much for me at this point. patience is not a virtue i hold.

it was a year ago on the 19th that i had my last attempt. it was two years ago on the 19th that i had an abortion from one of the rapes. i know i have people that love and support me, but im tired of living. everyday is a struggle. i have SI all the time. i have plans. i have plan b's, i have plan z's. people tell me that im still here for a reason. that reason seems farther and farther away. im discouraged. im hopeless. i want to die.

[finding my way]

nicnac, I am so sorry for your pain!! You have been through waaaaaayyyyyy too much. You have every right to complain! :eek:

Some people find some solace in speaking up about what is bothering them, especially if they've been unable to do that before. Some of us have to take it in baby steps and some of us are all out with it right away. Strong negative emotions that we cannot deal with are POWERFUL triggers for self injury, addictions, compulsions, suicidal thoughts...you name it.

You are not alone when you come here, because we too struggle to manage ourselves in the face of very difficult feelings. It is way too much to handle all alone.

Knowing that those feelings of despair are a trigger, have you found anything that helps you pace dealing with them? Things that give you a break when they are too much? One of our members has a loving puppy that helps her a lot. Are there any healthy distractions that you can come up with that can let your brain and nervous system heal a bit before you face more of what is bothering you? No one would be able to face all of that trauma without help and without spreading it out over time. Has anything from therapy helped you at all? Let us know how you are doing.

[nicnac]

I used to love to go to the gym and work out. It made me feel so good about myself and it helped to release in a way other than cutting. it was perfect. but then i began passing out when i got upset. my psychiatrist thought that it was a form of disassociation, until i was hospitalized for it for the 4th time and was finally diagnosed with a heart condition. because of this it makes it hard for me to do a lot of physical activity because i get light headed and i usually pass out. i have started going back to the gym which i hope will help with my hopelessness, i figure if i set goals it will keep me going, remind me that i want to make it to the point where i can achieve them and feel good about myself. its just a little bit harder this time around because i have to pace myself and be really careful. i cant push myself the way i used to. but i guess i feel good about making the effort. hopefully it will pay off.

[Proverbs31:28]

You really have been through a lot and have lots of reason to be hurt, angry, saddened, disappointed, etc. I am glad to hear you are in therapy and getting some meds. Therapy is never easy and is designed to unearth lots of painful stuff. It is a process and takes time so perhaps you are just too deep in the mire right now. I have not experienced anything like you so I can't speak to your experiences. But, even in my own life, I still have periods of deep depression and suicidal ideations and I always get frustrated that it is so hard to climb out of that pit.

I hope you'll continue to share your story with us and hopefully there will be others here with some insight for you. In the meantime, I can offer support, encouragement and a listening ear. Hang in there.