I'm desperate and want to die

[Almost]

I don't resist any more. I have been sexually frustrated all my life, I have tried psychotherapies for many years and medicines and I still I can't come out of my problems.

I can't have the women I like, I'm a failure in social life, times go and now I'm 44 and facing the prospect to finish my life in total frustration and unhappyness. These days I'm stuffing myself with antidepressants, I don't care what happens. The pain and frustration is too big to bear.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hello Amost,

I realized that I do not know you. So, I searched for your posts and discovered something interesting: You write little bits in each forum, thereby, preventing anyone from getting to know you. In fact, you write so briefly that, in effect, you tell us nothing of your story other than the fact that you feel hopeless.

I want to urge you to stick to one or two forums and reveal more about why you feel so hopless. What has happened to you? I know that you are 44 years old but why do you think you will never have a relationship?

Why have your past therapies failed? Have you ever taken medication? Did it help?

Have you ever had Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Tell us your story, if you can.

Allan

[Almost]

Thank you, ASchwartz.

I'm afraid that what you say is part of my problems, and part of the reason why my past therapies didn't work so sactisfactory. When I try to talk or write about myself, I feel an enormous weariness and drowsiness, or my mind gets like empty and I don't know what to say.

I have suffered since I was little (well before age 10) from OCD, depression, and social fear. I was mobbed since I can remember and I started masturbating since I was 5, and having fetish fantasies. Growing up, my problems got only worse, and I was unable to establish any relation with girls, which didn't even consider me, and treated me as a nerdy, introverted weirdo (which I was in effect), like most of the guys and adults. My parents were old people with low education levels, and they couldn't understand my problems, even if they were concerned about me.

Around 20 yo my conditions worsened so much (due mainly to OCD) that I was not able to continue my studies and I was afraid I was going to become mad. I started a psychotherapy of psychoanalytic orientation, and even if at first it didn't help I persevered, because I didn't know what else to do. A few years later, after my mother died of cancer, I started slowly improving, at least when OCD was concerned, and I could continue studying at the university and resume an apparently normal life, but my sexual and relation problems didn't improve. After finishing my studies, at around 30, I terminated the psychoterapy and moved abroad to work, with the hope that changing milieu would help with my problems. It didn't, and after a couple years my OCD got worse again. Then I started taking SSRIs, particularly paroxetin, and that was the most radical improvement I ever had, since my OCD almost disappeared overnight. However my sexual problems and impossibility to get relations continued, and I was obsessed by this failure. I did two psychoanalysis treatments, one only a few months long, another one almost one year long, but my therapists interrupted them because they thought there was no improvement and no point in continuing. In the first psychoanalysis the therapist actually got angry with me, and paradoxically I felt somewhat improved. I also had my first gf and first sexual relations, with a woman older than me, even if it wasn't a very satisfactory experience. In the following years I had a couple more sex experience, but they weren't satisfactory because I couldn't feel orgasm and ejaculate, and I really never could have the kind of women I really liked. So I was in a kind of limbo and also in my work and professional life I couldn't really get anywhere beyond small provisory jobs. Then I started studying again at the University and at the same time I started a cognitive therapy. It helped me somewhat to improve my confidence, even if a lot of my basic probelms are still there. At the same time I continued with SSRI, and after many trials my psychiatrist settled for 40 mg paroxetin and 20 mg fluoxetin a day. Now I'm in another country for work and I can't do any therapy because I don't know the language and other practical problems. Under the previous year I tried to reduce myself the amount of pills, from three to two a days, but now I feel so bad that I have increased the dose by myself. Fortunately at least the OCD problem is almost settled (even if I have occasional, saltuary bouts) but the sexual frustration and ralation problems are driving me mad. I would cut myself an arm with an axe if it could fix this problem.

I'm sorry, I tried to be as synthetic as possible but it's not easy. Another source of desperation is that people can't have the time or patience to help me when there is so much suffering and desperation around, as I can also see here after reading several posts of people with so many problems and suffering. It feels like overwhelming.

[Almost]

Hey, anybody cares about my problems?? I assure you one can suffer the pains of hell even if he is not a pedofile, like a lot of people who write here. I would rather be cut to pieces than suffer what I'm going through!!!

[finding my way]

Is it possible you've been obsessing on the wrong thing all these years and that's why you are so miserable? Alot of us do that, by the way. You are not alone.

[Almost]

Is it possible you've been obsessing on the wrong thing all these years and that's why you are so miserable? Alot of us do that, by the way. You are not alone.

Is there such a thing like 'a good thing' to be obsessed with? I BECAME obsessed with sex because I need it and I never had had it in any satisfactory way. Now, you don't need to be a staunch supporter of Freud to agree that a satisfactory sexual (and relation) life is one of the most important things in the life of a normal, healthy person. Then, if you are trying to sell me some religious theory, I invite you to stop at once, because a traditional religious edication has been a major source for my problems and a cause for the OCD symptoms that have plagued most of my life.

[finding my way]

I'll ask you this because I know Allan brought it up earlier, have you ever had cognitive behavioral therapy? It is a very specific approach, and the professionals on this site (Allan and Mark) recommend it highly for "stuck" problems such as this.

[malign]

Almost,

I'm going to try to reply, partly just to make your post more visible again, because I'm not sure what kind of help you're seeking, otherwise. You mention "sexual frustration and relationship problems". That's a bit vague, and also something that would be difficult to help you with over the Internet, I would think. I'm not saying that it doesn't cause you considerable pain, I just don't know what to suggest, other than things you say you've already tried, like therapy. Is there anything more you can tell us?

[paula]

Why do you want to die Almost? Like me!