I have absolutely no sense of self...

[Blossom]

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Edited December 20, 2010 by Blossom

[finding my way]

Well we know you like Botticelli! That counts, doesn't it? Hi Invisible, glad to have you back. Have you ever tried to keep a journal? It could be part drawings. A place to record things that occur to you and then reflect a bit on them sort of out loud (so to speak).....? Then you might discover some things you didn't know about you.

[paula]

Hi Invisible

My art tutor asked me what my interests are today in college (because I have to do an assignment based on my interests) and I couldn't think of one thing so i said that I have none and now I feel so stupid because how can I have no interests??

You've just answered your own question there, or rather your art teachers question? Art must be an interest to you or you wouldn't be there! College is another one, again, or you wouldn't be there!

If you think about the question and take time out to think about the question, you will come up with umpteen things that interest you!

[Blossom]

Thanks guys.....

I've been feeling horrible over the past week so everything seems very black and white right now..

[finding my way]

I'm sorry to hear that, Invisible. When you feel up to it, we're here:)

[Blossom]

I just feel so hopeless all the time and I've been trying to stay positive but it never works.. Sometimes I wish I could have a new life and start over again but that's not really possible.

Everything seems so pointless:confused:

I'm also really nervous around people and I 've been trying to relax more but it's not working and this is really frustrating for me because I don't want to be like this anymore. I wish I could be normal........:mad:

It's really weird but lately I have been feeling a strong urge to talk to someone face to face about everything just to get it all off my chest. I feel like it's all building up inside me and it's making me feel worse and worse..

Thank you Finding my way and Paula for the advice - I'm actually keeping a journal at the moment and it's kind of helping.. but I'm afraid someone will find it in my room and read it so I'm not totally comfortable with writing everything in it.

Edited February 17, 2009 by Blossom

[finding my way]

Do you feel safe enough here at this anonymous site? It sounds like there is a lot on your mind. You could put a part of it down here if you feel able. It is so hard to be all bottled up! Is there anyone at all around you you can talk to?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Invisible,

I am pleased to see that people are providing you with lots of support.

Have you thought about talking to a psychotherapist: Psychologist or Clinical Social Worker, so that you can get all of this off of your chest?

Allan

[Blossom]

Yeah, i t does feel safer to write about how i'm feeling here but at the same time I still have trouble putting my thoughts and feelings into words and that sucks...

I have made lots of good friends in my art course this year and I really look up to my tutors... I know they wouldn't mind listening to me so it's not like I have absolutely noone to talk to but at the same time I'm sure that they all have their own problems to deal with so why should I bother them with mine..? I can't go to a psychotherapist either because I don't have the money.

I just don't understand why I still feel this way...I am spending my time doing art which is what I love the most so why am I not happy??!:confused:

Thanks Finding my way and Allan for replying!!!

[finding my way]

Did you already tell us last time about whether or not there is a school counselor you can see? You may or may not be ready to try that, I was just trying to remember if it was an option.

I do remember your telling us that your mother was on the abusive side. It is very tough, Invisible, getting a healthy sense of who you are if your most primary relationships (parents) didn't provide you with good feedback that you could develop a sense of self from. It is not hopeless though. You will need to do some work and it will would help if you could do that work with a therapist. Your start on a journal is excellent:). You are also making beginnings by talking to us here. If you want you could tell us something from your journal, or just tell us more about how growing up was for you.

[Mark]

I just don't understand why I still feel this way...I am spending my time doing art which is what I love the most so why am I not happy??!

In my experience, you can't force happiness. It just creeps up on you when you are immersed in doing things and being with people that/who seem good to you. It's hard to reflect on happiness - sometimes when you try to look at it too closely it disappears (because happiness is often not a thoughtful thing so much as it is just a "flow").

I gather that the sense that you cannot easily express yourself is possibly related to your feeling that you don't know yourself. Meaning - your difficulty feeling some intensity about something (or describing it?) makes it hard for you to know yourself. Sometimes we know ourselves by examining our intensities.

Is it that you don't have strong feelings about things - preferences - or is it that you don't know how to describe these feelings. Because sometimes people don't need to use words - sometimes people who are artistic express themselves through art. Words are good though; they provide a handle and something to reflect upon.

The other thing that can be helpful is a sounding board or mirror. Meaning - you talk about what you don't feel or don't know how to describe with others who can mirror back to you what you seem to be saying, and in the process of communicating you learn something about yourself - at least about how you come across to others.

[mscat]

I was also thinking that you may be able to express yourself though art. i too have a hard time knowing how to feel and recognizing my emotions. Writing is what I find that I can do to help with expression.

Do you have any type of medical insurance? Or on your parents insurance? That way your M D can give you a referral to a therapist . There are also low income medical insurance programs for people who meet income restrictions. GO to your local welfare department. Are you in the U.S. ? I am not familiar with anything else outside of the U.S.

I have also felt the same way many times, losing sense of self and struggling . It may be a form od disassocition , or anxiety related. All good reasons to look into professional help.

I hope this site will help you cope and feel better. THere are great suggestions on here and lots of support .

[Blossom]

It's not that I don't have strong feelings about things, because I do..I just can't talk about it or get the words out for some reason..I choke up!:eek:

A lot of the time I tend to overthink things and I think this contributes to me feeling depressed. I think a lot of artists are deep thinkers so I suppose this is kind of normal. I try to express myself through my art and sometimes it makes me feel better but at the same time I wish I could talk about everything aswel..I don't know..life seems very pointless right now.

Nope, I'm not in the U.S. and I don't think I have any medical insurance so I'll just have to stick it out:rolleyes:

Thanks for all the support everyone!

[Blossom]

I'm tired of being alive but at the same time, I don't wanna be dead either..I just don't want to be me anymore. I wish I could start a new life but then again I wish that I didn't wish this. Why can't I be happy as I am??? I wish I could be comfortable with myself and not so nervous around people.. I don't understand why? I'm fine around people my own age but when it comes to adults I'm not fine. and it sucks.. How can I have a future if I'm stuck like this? I feel like my life's going round and round in circles and I'm not really getting anywhere. And even if I were getting anywhere, I know it would never be good enough anyway so what's the point?? Why do I even bother trying?! My life is pointless and I'm very confused. I'm also very invisible:(

Edited March 24, 2009 by Blossom

[DaveInOz]

It's not that I don't have strong feelings about things, because I do..I just can't talk about it or get the words out for some reason..I choke up!:eek:

I experience a similar situation with my issues. I could clearly go through them in my mind, but if and when I had to verbally express them I froze. Although I still have stuff to go through and deal with, I've also managed through self help books - something like this forum does really, to help me understand or more so rationalise and put things into my own perspective.

Although at first it was hard, I did hold a clear vision of what was troubling me and in turn I was able to express these feelings and identify them.

The beauty of a forum like this is, it offers you an anonymous environment in which you can get out of your head space and write about it here. If anything that's got to be a big +

For what it's worth I think you've got a lot to be proud of right now. You've had the courage to sign-up and have taken steps to help yourself. I'd give you a pat on the back if I was standing next to you!

All I can offer is to say keep going and I'm sure as each day passes you'll look back and see progress.

Cheers

Dave

[Blossom]

Just wanted to say thanks for replying.

I do feel like I'm making progress sometimes but then there are times when everything seems pointless aswel. I'm just very confused. I'm tired of being two people if that makes any sense.. On the outside everyone thinks I'm fine but I'm really not and I'm tired of hiding it. On the inside I feel like I'm very very close to cracking up.

Yeah, I'm so glad I stumbled onto this site! I don't post on it that often but I find it helpful to read through posts made by others here. The members here have already offered me lots of great advice:cool:

[smallstar]

Hi invisible, it was so odd for me to read your post because I understand exactly what you are saying, it could have been me writing it. Unfortunately I don't know the answer for you, that is something I am also trying to figure out. I have that same wall when it comes to anything emotional or anything I consider personal. Not intentional I just actually draw a complete blank, like I can't function, I become scared to death. I don't know if it makes you feel any better but at least you know you're not alone

[smallstar]

hi, I just wanted to add my feelings on happiness. I don't think there is any such thing as being a happy person. I think occasionally something may happen that makes us feel happy for a moment, I think that we just live in a state of constantly changing emotions, happiness being one, mostly we just try to keep in the middle, not fall off one edge or the other. I don't expect to be happy but I try not to be miserable, maybe that helps?

[Blossom]

Sorry, I only seen your comments for this thread now!

Thanks for replying - it's cool to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this.

My problem is that I'm just not used to talking about how i really feel.. My parents never had any time for anything I ever had to say so I learnt to keep myself to myself. But now it's all starting to build inside me and eventually I'm gonna explode:eek: I have never had anyone to share my feelings with until I found this site.

Maybe someday we'll be able to get past that damn wall..

Hmmm, it would be so nice if someday my innerself and outerself were equal...does that even make sense...?!

[smallstar]

..........

Edited November 30, 2009 by smallstar

[Blossom]

There has to be some way to escape..

If anyone asks me anything personal, I completely freeze up aswel and I have to drag the words out of me! and even at that, I just tell them what they want to hear..that's the easy way out. and then I always regret it. I'm tired of having regrets..

There have been times in the past year where I got so close to asking someone for help but I always changed the subject at the last minute...more regrets..

[smallstar]

If I figure it out, I'll let you know. I struggle with it everyday :mad: All I can say is "working on it". Maybe if you were to try and maybe write down things you know about your self. Just sit and think, not for anyone else but if you get to know yourself, and remember what you've written to yourself maybe sometimes it would be easier to share with others when placed in a situation that requires speaking about yourself. It's so hard to figure out. I just don't know. Just as an example, last week I had confession at church, I knew that as soon as I sat with the priest I would freeze up, my mind would be blank. What I did was, well first popped a valium, than I wrote a list as a draft in my cellphone, exactly word for word what I wanted to say. Than as I waited on line, I just kept reading it over and over so that it was imbedded in my head. I know this isn't exactly what you're talking about, but maybe you can relate

[Blossom]

Oh, I can relate with the confessions part.....I have been avoiding going to confessions for a looooong time now.... I just never know what to say so I don't go..