i feel crazy

[sodepressed]

Im a guy, 18 and gay, and have no idea what to do with my life, i come from a very rich and wealthy family, and have been very spoilt growing up. I feel like i have so many issues which no one understands and that my issues are more important than everyone elses. I feel paranoid all the time, like everyone is staring at me or judging me, but then at the same time i feel like i WANT everyone to stare at me and gossip about me because maybe i like the attention, sometimes i feel really sociable and confident, other times i feel like i cant even walk out the house with out having a drink, i drink ALOT of vodka each day, i go through a bottle every two days, i feel like i need to drink to feel comfortable. I feel ugly, even though people tell me im not, and i think this may be because i judge people on there looks, image is everything for me and i hate feeling like that cos i feel so fake and bitchy, i have no idea where im going with my life, i think i just cant face reality, i sometimes dont no what the point of living is, i cant see my life going anywhere, and cant see being any older than maybe 21 or 22, being 30 scares the hell out of me. I jus feel crazy and like im loosing my mind, and so sad and depressed and scared and like no one understands me, i literally change my mind about things all the time, im so anti social and scared of everything, and feel so fake and judgmental of people and bitter, am i bipolar? i feel like god is punishing me for something ive done and i dont no what. Sometimes i feel so happy and confident maybe over confident, then then next minute my mood has changed totally, and i dont see the point of even living or existing and i question my existence. I feel like i cant fit into society, i always feel like crying, my parents pressurise me telling me to go to university and get a job and stand on my own feet but i cant i dont no how too i feel like such a mess, my friends dont understand how i feel, no one does. i truly think im loosing my mind or have lost it already its like i have no sense of reality, i feel like im living in a dream and im my life wont go any further than being 21. What is wrong with me seriously someone help me, im a paranoid , alcoholic, mess whos mood changes way too much

[finding my way]

Hi sodepressed, and welcome to our community. I hope you get a chance to look around the site, because there are a lot of resources. From what you have written, it sounds like you would benefit from seeing a therapist. A lot of us here are in therapy. Do you feel you could initiate that step?

[paula]

Hi Sodepressed & welcome to our Community,

I agree with Finding my way, You could do with trying to see your Doctor & get him to refer you to a Psychiatrist/Psychologist/Therapist, Only he is qualified to actually refer you to one of these people.

How long have you been feeling like this & how long have you been drinking Vodka for? You do realise that vodka or drinking, can make you more depressed than you already are? You need to sort your drinking habit out before your depression can be dealt with!

i have no idea where im going with my life, i think i just cant face reality, i sometimes dont no what the point of living is, i cant see my life going anywhere, and cant see being any older than maybe 21 or 22, being 30 scares the hell out of me. I jus feel crazy and like im loosing my mind, and so sad and depressed and scared and like no one understands me, i literally change my mind about things all the time, im so anti social and scared of everything, and feel so fake and judgmental of people and bitter, am i bipolar?

You are 18yrs of age. Your just a baby yet! Your at your prime! What's all this that 30 scares you. A lot of this could be down to the drinking and the way you are abusing this! Have you not spoken to your mother & father about the way you feel... Or someone close like a friend...

I suggest you try & knock the drinking on the head & see where you go from there...

[silentmist]

hiya sodepressed

It's ok not knowing what you want to do with your life at the age of 18, even though it's kinda inconveinient. I'm curious as to why you think your spoilt though, seems kinda self-abasing, or is that me reading into it too much?

Gay feelings can be kinda scary too, i often feel it essential that i hide my sexuality from everyone ... it can be an emotionally and socially isolating preoccupation, at least for me anyway.

I often get paranoid, especially when out and about and people can see me. I think it might have something to do with emotions and needs that are unresolved within me creeping out into my day to day experiences.

Wanting attention is good, in attention is the possibility of being loved in all the ways that we need to be loved. does your fear of going out coincide with you feeling ugly ?

A preoccupation with visual appearance is highly encouraged and promoted in our societies. The notion that you are feeling guilty over it means that you are better than that in your heart and will outgrow it as you find your true self.

sodepressed there isn't much about relationships in your post ... how do you feel about the relationships in your life ?

One thing i'm gonna get bossy about though is the vodka When i drink spirits they REALLY put me in a very 'dark' mood and i get some very nasty thoughts about people. I stay away from them. If you can't stop then try to cut down a little, i bet you'll feel more lovable

[sodepressed]

thanks for your replys, ive been drinking since i was 15, but its only in the last 6 months ive felt the need to drink alone, rather than socially, the vodka has no affect on me whatsoever anymore, i can easily drink a glass half filled with vodka, and it sounds weird but it does make me feel a lot better!with regards to telling my parents, i have, ive told them i dont no where my life will lead me, i think its my fear of the future and reality...i am incredibly spoilt, i mean i live a very good life, travel everywhere, have designer clothes, nice cars, first class bla bla, im not hiding my sexuallity all my friends know etc, im not ashamed of being gay or anything like that. Relationships in my life are complicated, i feel like no one understands me any more, no ones problems seem to be the same as mine, my friends dont understand what i say to them, they just say i need to get a grip, im spoilt, exagerating bla bla...like today i feel quite happy and normal and relaxed, but other days i just feel so depressed, this is without drinking btw, i drink when i am depressed, and like my life is pointless, im going to see a councelor this week, i just hate feeling so unstable, like happy then sad etc and paranoid

[paula]

Hi Sodepressed

I don't want to sound hard but your going to have to come back to reality! Money's not everything but I know it helps!

Maybe your just realising that it is love that you want and not bought love? If your family are as rich as you say they are, then they have got to lead a busy life style to be able to make the money?

What I am trying to say is: Maybe its love you want to feel, be loved, shown love, and of the people who matter like your family for instance! If they have always had money, then I can imagine that through your growing up, your mum & dad always bought you what you wanted to keep you quiet? So they themselves, wouldn't feel guilty at having left you with other people, while they were off galavanting!

Now that might of been OK when you were younger, but now, you've had everything that you could think of & whatever you haven't had, probably is not worth having, but back to the same old question! You are ready for true love now. Love meant to be between parents and son, and that is not what they are offering. Never have and probably never will? I think its a bit to late for that don't you? But at the end of the day, this is where your depression comes into it! Because you have never had what you were supposed to have in the first place! Hope I'm making sense here!

[mscat]

I have looked over this thread a few times, and have realised something... Perhaps it is because you need to have direction if your life? Find the things you are most interested in and are very good at. Are you in school? Have you graduated? Gone on to college? Have hopes and dreams? I think that is what is missing? It is great that you come from a wealthy family, I do to. However, I did go to college, and loved working with children. I went to school for that , and then got a job. My point is that your going to need to find what you like to do and then learn about it and get your education, and a job that you love to do, a passion for something. Not just drinking all the time. Partying so much with friends is ok once in a while, but your life is not going to mean a whole lot without direction and goals to work towards. Some other things probably interest you . What are they?

To me 18 is still a 'kid" a young man that has his future lying straight ahead of him. you will be so much happier working towards a carrerr and have goals in your life.

I wish you the best.

Since you have mentioned several times about your drinking, and it is so excessive, you may consider going into a treatment program for it.

Edited February 23, 2009 by mscat

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Sodepressed,

Welcome to our community.

I have a number of thoughts about what may be going on with you.

First, your daily drinking, which you to to relieve depression, is making you feel more depressed. So, that is not going to help you but could end up harming you if you become addicted to alcohol. You really need to stop now,if you can.

Second, because you are 18 years old, I have to ask if you are using other types of drugs? Are you using anythings like marijuana, cocaine, meth, etc? All of those can complicate or worsen feelings of depression.

Third, you have said nothing about school. Have you finished High School, are you planning on college? If not, why? If you are not in school, how are you spending your time? Do you have a job? Are there careers that interest you?

Fourth, you write that you have come out about being gay and your friends accept it. But, do you accept being gay, meaning, do you wish you were not gay? Are you judging yourself for being gay? How has your family reacted to your being gay?

I do not mean to overwhelm you with these questions and, of course, you do not have to answer them if you do not wish to? If you do not wish to answer, could you at least think about them yourself?

Community members are correct that 18 is very young and is a time to be questioning what the future will be like. But, there is lots we do not know about you except that you are feeling depressed. I agree with the suggestion that you enter psychotherapy, and with a clinical psychologist or licensed and experienced clinical social worker so that you can start getting help with this depression.

Allan

[sodepressed]

thanks for the replies, no ive never done drugs, and in the last few days ive stopped drinking and still feel empty and depressed, then happy, then depressed...yeah ive finished high school, i did really badly with it though, and i got into university and hate it, i feel so anti social and like there is no one who understands me here, i hate my course, and the thing is i dont think there is anything i want to do, i feel like i have no direction. Yeah i do hate being gay, i really hate the gay lifestyle, gay clubs, and sex and all that kind of thing.

[sodepressed]

So i havnt been on here in a while, but i thought id update. Last week i went to a councelor, told him everything, how my mood changes from abnormally high to low in a short space of time, from being so over confident to feeling so low and worthless, being paranoid, anxious, depressed etc, and i realised my problems might have more to it, all my relationships with friends etc, are extremmely volatile, one minute ill love them, the next hate them, over the stupidest things, i feel so hurt and violated if they dont reply to a text message or stupid stuff like that, i know its stupid but i cant help it! my relationships with the ones i love is bad as well, i always argue and fight with them and afterwards i dont even know why i did, i feel so stupid! i still feel like i have no sense of direction in my life, i feel like im lost and have no idea what to do with my life, i hate it, its like im just taking everyday as it comes and i cant look at the bigger picture

[finding my way]

Good work seeing a counselor sodepressed. Some clinical feedback can be helpful; I hope you continue with it.

This may seem off the wall, but do you do anything in nature? Tuning into that world for at least a half hour can have a centering effect. It gives relief from our preoccupations and shows us a different world order, so to speak.

[mscat]

How are you doing ? are things better for you? I sure hope so. Have you been back to talk to the therapist?

[Lisa11]

I jus feel crazy and like im loosing my mind, and so sad and depressed and scared and like no one understands me, i literally change my mind about things all the time, im so anti social and scared of everything, and feel so fake and judgmental of people and bitter, am i bipolar? i feel like god is punishing me for something ive done and i dont no what. Sometimes i feel so happy and confident maybe over confident, then then next minute my mood has changed totally, and i dont see the point of even living or existing and i question my existence.

Lisa11