Help please... real sexuality issues or ocd?

[miserable_242]

This is a repost of what I wrote in the new members section... any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi everyone,

Heres my story... its long but bare with me:

I am 20 and I am having extreme trouble coming to terms with what has happened to me, I seem to have lost my sexual attraction to women and my body has started reacting physically to men and (i cringe typing this) children. When I say reacting physcially, I mean I get a feeling in my stomach and "down there". I have never had any fantasies regarding this, nor am I ever willing to have them, what I am trying to understand is what the hell is happening to me. I do not enjoy this, nor do I want anything to do with it.

To give you my story... I grew up like any other boy in terms of sexual attraction, I loved women, when I was in my teens even the slightest touch by the girl I liked would get me excited. I never looked at guys in a sexual way, they were "characterless" so to speak. I was never that great with women though, and have never had a proper relationship.

Fast forward 19 years... I got to university, and started smoking weed - something that was completely out of personality for me. I am on a very tough course, and I don't know what I was thinking but over a period of 2 years I smoked almost daily when I was at university and not at home, 4-6 joints a day. My doubts started soon after I got to university... at first it was a nagging doubt, but about 7 months ago I took a girl back to my place one night and was so drunk and high that I couldn't get it up. That sent me off the walls, and I was sure I was gay because of it.

I went home, extremely miserable, and whenever I go home I never smoke weed. I remember the first thing that happened was that I got to the airport and I saw my sister... and i got a feeling down there... and that just sent me into the deepest pits of depression I have ever been in. I wanted to die... I contemplated suicide... it later happened with kids again, further pushing me towards depression and suicide. I would get images, I would get intrusive thoughts, it was horrible.

After this, the weed became sort of an escape mechanism... I smoked to just take myself somewhere else, to get myself away from all this horrible stuff that I wanted nothing to do with.

Now I know that all of the above is pretty in line with Pure-O OCD, and I was sure I had it for a while. I stumbled upon quite a few forums describing sexual obsessions and I was so relieved it was unbelievable.

But this is where the twist is... I don't get anxiety when I ruminate or get the urges anymore, and my sexual attraction to women is pretty much gone. On the other hand, i seem to react (completely against my will) to guys and to kids... again let me repeat that I have NEVER and will NEVER fantasise about such things, the thought sickens me, I have younger sisters and I would kill anyone who went near them in that way.

The fact remains, however, that these feelings are there. They have made me miserable, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I have obsessed about it everyday for the past 6 months, trying to make sense of it, and while I felt for a while I was getting better I feel worse than I ever have before.

I have stopped smoke weed recently, as I decided to tell my parents seeing as it became such a big problem and I needed money to start therapy. I gave them my word, and have no plans to go back on it. I am doing this more for me than them, though, because I have always been someone with potential and i'll be damned if I throw it away. I start therapy on thursday, and I want to get past this.

I am pretty sure I have OCD... lately an obsession started that I was schizophrenic, although I recognized that one for what it was and didn't react to it whatsoever, and managed to stop it in the first few days before I started obsessing about it.

My question, I guess, is is it possible for something to start as OCD and to become part of you, so to speak? Could I have obsessed to the point of making my worst fears real? Why do these thoughts not make me anxious, only depressed? Is it possible that with the weed, I activated some fucked up repressed part of my sexuality that i will never be able to get rid of now?

Sorry for the long post, but I would really appreciate some help with this... I am lost and miserable, and need to find a way out of this hole.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Miserable_242,

I hate to have to call you "miserable," but that is the name you chose for yourself.

Anyway, from what I read of what you wrote, you have always done a good job of suppressing your sexual urges. For instance, there is nothing wrong wiht having a sexual reaction to your sister, especially after not having seen her for a while. There is nothing wrong with finding men attractive and even children. Of course, it is good you are horrified, in a way, but maybe you are too horrified and that could be a symptom of OCD. I suspect you give yourself a really hard time. My guess is that you are remain attracted to women but need to give yourself a "break." And I mean to stop being so hard on yourself.

Going to therapy is good and I hope you have found someone really skillful.

I would recommend that you stop smoking marijuana. Marijuana is known to cause many people a huge increase in anxiety and that is something you do not need.

I also recommend that you find yourself a girlfriend and start dating her. That will go a long way to calming your fears.

Have you had sexual relations as yet? If not, once you start, it willl help a lot.

I really suspect that you are find, therapy will help, need a girlfriend and need to stop beating yourself.

What do others think?

Allan

[finding my way]

I agree with you Allan. Anxiety can really derail a person!! Miserable, you will hopefully get good assistance from your therapist on how to manage your anxiety without drugs or obsessions. No, I do not think this phase you are in is what you will be forever. Stay with us if we can help. Congratulations on getting the courage to go into therapy.

[tourdelove]

Awesome M, see, you get good replies here and I am so glad!

Hope it helps a bit!

Keep on posting

T

[jamesdean21]

Hey i sent you a message, in the top right corner of the screen, you can see a link that says new notification, if you click that it will say one unread message, and that will take you to your inbox

[miserable_242]

Thank you very much everyone for your responses... ive started on prozac and im starting therapy soon, hopefully this will all just be a bad memory in a few months.

AShwartz - thats what started it all, I took a girl back to my place, was so high/drunk that I couldn't get it up, and it made me freak out that I was somehow gay. The rest is all in my first post... i've completely quit the weed, it didn't cause me anxiety but it sure as hell wasn't helping with all this. Like I said, I don't have any plans to go back to it.

finding my way - thank you for the kind words. I hope thats true...

tourdelove - it does help, and I will keep you guys updated.

TTT54red - i've replied to your message, check your inbox.

[Scareddd]

Hey Misrable, and hey guys. Long time no see

Anyways, I have/had a similar prob that you are having, I went into spiriling depression when i thought of "kids" Actually, reading your discription of what you feel pretty much exacly mirrors what I felt....ironicly this was soon after i smoked weed for the first time, and haven't smoked since i went into depression.

I, from the bottom of my heart, am really happy you fiound yourself a therapist. It has made ME feel 100000% better about myself and such since i started.

Also, think this. If you think it is going to last forever, than it will because it will always be in your mind. If you believe it will go away, then it will also, because you will forget about it.

Anyways, my 2 cents

-Scareddd

Edited May 25, 2009 by Scareddd

[finding my way]

Yay, scareddd, thanks for checking in with us:D

Miserable, I think Allan was talking about getting into a relationship with a woman. Finding things you like to do together, places you like to go, stuff like that. If you aren't ready for that, how about doing things with friends?

The anxiety driven life has us driven toward quick gratification because we want to feel better NOW. Drugs, sex, obsessions can all be part of that life. Later on when the anxiety is easier for you to manage, other lifestyles like satisfying relationships or hobbies or interests will be more possible for you.

Hang in there!

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Miserable,

For sure, if you are planning to have sex then do not drink. It will surely suppress your sexual drive and interfere with getting an erection, as you now know, I guess.

Allan

[malign]

Yeah, I was gonna say, if every guy who couldn't get it up once when he was drunk and high is gay, it would be "straight" men who'd be the minority.