Depression becoming more intense??

[smallstar]

What are you supposed to do when you are depressed and the depression all of a sudden intensifies that it pretty much stops you dead in your tracks and makes your head so confused like you're going out of your mind but no matter how much you think you can't figure out how to make things better? I feel like I am just walking around with my eyes open too wide not knowing what to do. On some level I almost feel like a robot just doing the necessary things while trying to keep my eyes open like I'm always just waiting for somthing really bad to happen cause something is going to happen. I can tell, nothing is right, I have a constant feeling of dread and fear and I know that any second now everything is going to come crashing down because that's how it is right now, everything is just hanging on by a thread and I can't be everywhere.

[SweetSue]

Hey Smallstar,

I understand the feelings that your experiencing, i get them myself quite a lot of the time.

I wish i could wave a majic wand for you to help make you feel a bit better, but the truth of the matter is i cant.

Do you have a therapist or a understanding doctor you can turn too, coz i know that when my deppresion gets like this its not good news and i think that you should seek professional medical help as soon as you can.

Take care and i hope you feel a bit better soon,

Sorry i couldnt be of much help just wanted to let you know someone understands and that your not alone.

Jj

[OCDmom]

I feel what you are feeling too, smallstar. If it's any consolation, you're not alone.

[smallstar]

Thank you jessica and ocdmom,, I'm alright, I've just been panicky lately which is new for me, so I don't handle it well. I do have a dr, not that he's much help.

[SweetSue]

Hey Smallstar,

Im pleased your feeling a little better,

Do you know what your feeling panicky about.

Breathing excercises could help or you could try Relaxation therapy.

Take care aand wish you well

Jj

[malign]

Hey star, I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

Can we try to separate that mass of feelings, so it's not all swirling together at the same time?

First, depression tends to be a sad feeling, with a lack of motivation or enjoyment of things you usually do enjoy.

Anxiety is that nervous, worried feeling that something's going to go wrong.

Fear is more urgent, that you have to do something now to avoid an immediate survival-level danger.

Notice that none of this is thinking. We're not interested in solutions yet.

Now that you've organized what you're feeling (and only you can say what that is), and maybe calmed down a tiny bit, could you try to examine each worry or fear, and ask yourself, what's the worst that can happen from this? What is it that's about to "come crashing down"? And what will the world be like if that does happen?

It might help to write down each separate worry or fear, as a short bullet (so you don't go running away again in your mind). Then list the worst outcome next to it. Eventually, you might try assigning a probability to them, and some possible solutions to each one, if you're feeling really positive. ;-)

Another thing, can you try to tell us some of these worst possible outcomes, as well as thinking about them yourself? Because you might find that you are distorting the severity of some of them, if you get a chance to look at them with other people.

The important thing is not to give up, star. Life IS survivable, even if it isn't always fun.

Edited September 1, 2009 by malign
Even production typists make mistakes.

[smallstar]

thanks jessica, yes I know some of the reasons I have been panicky, but it's not my usual reaction, I don't know, maybe I just let things get too far, too late now.

[SweetSue]

Hey Smallstar

How do you mean things have gone too far too late.?

I hope you are safe, sorry please dont take offence i just know how overwhelming these feelings can become.

Please take care and stay safe

Jj

[smallstar]

I am safe, thanks jessica, I just meant that maybe the reason I am having a different reaction is because everything is worse now, you know, like you have just screwed up everything and you can't figure out how to make things better.

Thanks malign, I don't know if I want to write down all the things that I am worried about or scared about, I think I am too afraid of the outcomes and that's why I got so scared, I kind of tried to think about that last night, but my mind blocked me, I just got more upset so I just tried to go to sleep. Everything just seems so big but I guess that really it can't be any bigger than it already was, I don't know what this new panic is all about but I know that it's not something I'm prepared for.

[malign]

Personally, I think you're just more aware of the things that were there the whole time. So you're right, and maybe it helps, when you realize that things are not, in fact, any worse than they were before.

But does that awareness give you any opportunities to change things, that you didn't have before? For instance, I always try to carry all my groceries up to the apartment in one trip. I guess I'm so lazy that I'm willing to do more work to stay that way. Anyway, I often get that it's-all-going-to-fall feeling near the top of the two flights of stairs, as I try to figure out how to get out my keys to open the door.

There are two ways to do it: just drop it all and then pick it up again in a better order. That works, for non-fragile things. :-)

The other is to patiently figure out which thing is on top, gently put that down, then do the next thing, until it's all laid out in front of you, and you can choose what to pick up next.

What I'm saying is, that second way isn't even possible without an awareness of what all the things are that you're carrying. Is it possible that that's where you are now, you just don't know how to put some things down?

[smallstar]

Well I'd like to drop it all and leave it there and walk away. I think maybe that is where I am stuck, I feel like I have only two choices, drop it and never look back or just keep trying. I don't know if I am able to see any other choice in the middle, like putting some down. Sometimes I can convince myself that maybe I can be different or do things differently, and I'll be feeling good about it but then my phone rings and I'm right back where I started, it all just falls out of my head.

[malign]

I think only part of you feels like dropping it all and leaving --

Because you're not doing it!

Plus, I didn't say "drop it and leave it"; I couldn't do that with my groceries, either. I said "drop it and pick it up again in a different order". Or in a different way. Or just pick up what you want and leave the rest.

The point is, you've been carrying it all so long you don't even know what's in the pile, much less whether you're carrying it the best possible way, any more. A lot has changed since you started gathering this stuff up, when you were a little girl. Maybe all it's going to take is to rearrange the pile a bit, so you get a better grip on it.

[smallstar]

You are right, I guess I just don't really know what to do differently. I just look around my house and realize that it really sucks, that he is not going to change, so if I want things to change I have to do it but I can't get past being afraid so I am kind of stuck.

[malign]

That's why you're stuck at the moment.

You don't know about tomorrow.

Fear is temporary. You might find you outgrow it. You might find you decide to do something despite the fear.

The only way you can stay exactly the same is by choice. And even then, the world changes around you. And you age.

Maybe instead of fighting so hard against the current of life, you could try swimming with it for a change?

[smallstar]

That doesn't make sense. That is giving up. I could do that, that would be easy, it may be what I have to do anyway, I was hoping maybe I had another way, I thought that if I did just that, just waited that was what I was supposed to do, I mean if I just don't care that would be easy, but it isn't right, and I know that other people, like relatives think bad things about me but they don't have any idea so it's really not fair, that's why I don;t even care to see other people, I don't care I don't want to talk to them, but I can't be rude, it is so frustrating, and I really don't even understand.

[SweetSue]

Hey Smallstar

Your a fighter in life you cant just give up, your stronger than that and you know it, its just difficult for you to realise it right now.

It may feel that your relatives are not very understanding of you, but thats probably only because they dont know the full account of the situation you are in, or how you truely feel.

You obviously do care a great deal of what people think about you otherwise it wouldnt play on your mind. I understand that you dont want to see them right now but hopfully one day the time will come when you feel strong enough and have the courage to talk to them.

Stay strong smallstar and hang in there

Take care

Sue

[malign]

Mmm, if you hear "surrender" when I say "stop fighting the current", we're talking about very different things.

Beginner canoeists, when they first try to cross a fast-flowing river, will sail out straight, at right angles to the current. They often fail. ;-)

Experienced paddlers turn about forty-five degrees upstream, and let the current help push them across. The currents of life continue, regardless of what you do. You can choose to push against them, or you can choose to learn about them, and use them to get what you want. You don't stop trying. You just use your efforts in harmony with the rest of life.

It does require you to be realistic. The realities of life won't change, just for you. But that still leaves you a lot of leeway to have a life and enjoy it. What's difficult is looking at life objectively, to separate out what's possible and what's not.

[smallstar]

Yeah, I definitely heard surrender, I didn't understand why you would say that. I can try that, I'm not really sure I understand, but it sure does sound nice to be able to relax for a while, I am very tired, I need to learn that, how to go with the current.

[malign]

I think a big part of it is letting go of unrealistic goals.

I used to think that if I just talked to my wife calmly and assertively, when the emotions weren't raging, I would be able to convince her that things she did were hurtful, and that then she would understand, and change.

That's not how it works. At least not after you've tried it a few times. Staying around, just so you'll have the opportunity to try something that doesn't work another time, isn't realistic. I was fighting against a current that was draining me of so much life I was convinced I didn't deserve one.

When I let go of that goal, suddenly I could swim.

[smallstar]

Oh, I see, that could be a difficult one but I do understand it. I think that is something that I need to work on. It makes complete sense, I guess now I just need to somehow be able to be myself, if that makes sense. I can be my own person, I just need to learn to let go.

[malign]

Yep, you can't be your own person and be taking care of everyone else, at the same time. That doesn't mean you can't do anything for them, but the only way to do it is from yourself, not from "I have to". If that makes any sense. All you can do is do it, and let it go. There's no way to obtain a particular outcome, by your actions, especially not where other people are involved.

[smallstar]

Yeah that does make sense, I am going to think about it, I can try it it just makes me a little nervous at the reaction I'll get back, but I do understand and it sounds so right.