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Borderline Personality Disorder, doesn't go away?


mscat
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For nearly 25 yrs , I've had BPD labeled against me . 5 years ago , more was added too. Major depression, anxiety , Low thyroid, and recently PTSD.

The BPD label is of primaray concern to me, because it never really seems to get better,go away , and leave for good.

It is said BPD can be cured and most people lead healthy lives as they get into their 30's . Has not happened to me, and i am beyond my 30's. BPD, has been the prime issue, not as a label , however,as a huge issue of survival . I still do not understand the complexities of the disorder, however do understand how I think in black and white, all or nothing terms.

I also understand that relationships are a bitch for me, therefore learned to advoid them, thento seek them anymore, because of knowing it wll always end up badly , i do not even try to have close friends, or interact much at all anymore with people. Too many problems and too much pain of it all. Too many times of being screwed over by people, and hating the conseqences.

Self injury has only become far worse then ever before. Even in the teen years, however suffering the ED FOR 8 YRS, and becomming severely underweight, contibutes to self harm in my opnion. going to far once more.

Shoplifting when younger, lack of impulse control, and all not self xpressing what I feel inside, only contibutes to more self harm, and major self harming experiences, even that has taken to the extreme.

I am fat now, overweight , again from dying of extreme thinness , to the other end of the spectrum. I guess this means I really still do not have the food issues under control at all.

I sometimes feel that i full of evil , hate , and such a bad person that i have to burn a part of my body off, to become whole again. To rid of the demons that are within.

My life did not began well. I cam from child abuse, and at age 3 taken away from that environment, but also taken from my siblings. Things did not become better either.

Now stuck with the BPD label, and all these other things, I mostly advoid , advoid. Because i am unsafe, people are unsafe. The world is unsafe and unfriendly. Users and abusers are what is out there, beyond the safety of my apt .

BPD, I now think that maybe it won't go away until i do for good, someday. Does BPD ever leave? are you ever left with A nice life? A fufilled life ?

My developmentally delayed aUTISTIC spectrm disorder child. A son, he is affected with my unstability, having to be taken care of by family members when I am in the critical care unit from self inflited injuries each yr.

Someday, i hope I can get this BPD in control , because it may very well send me to my grave before I am ready. :)

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Hi Cathy...

I know wot ur talking bout, myself being "labelled" with BPD and major depression and psychotic episodes I am now in my late 30's and i wonder too if it will ever go away. Also self harm with each passing week gets that little bit worse just keep pushing it to see how far i can take it.

My relationships with people are very blk n white as are issues in my life, either all or nothing, as u have said i cannot trust people there is always an underlying reason that they want to know you and once they have fulfilled that there off so i now think eveyone can sod off and leave me be.

Wen i was in my teens i used to shop lift, and now i am very sad to say and embarresed to say i do still do it on occasions no where near wot i used to do, but wen the chance arises i take it....

I feel the hate and evil inside and due to self harm i have these written on my body not gd to look at.

I feel for you as i can understandthe turmoil u must go thru , and im not trying to sound patronising wen i say that, but i really do feel inside the pain u must experience, drawing from my experiences.

So i dunno if it ever goes away, but like u i wonder if it will send me into a early grave coz i cant live like this for much longer.

I hope things can improve but i havent any answers.

u take gd care

love jo

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Thank you so much Jo.

I do , once in a while sholplift, I have the money to pay for the item, I just do it , because I want to see if I'll get caught, it is exciting to me. In a bad way. I have not been caught in years. And i do not do that often, only if I know I have a clean start, and feel that I won't be caught, will I do it . I guess old habits die hard> I use to be terrible about this, when I also had the ED at the same time. I'd steal purses at the community college left attended . I once made out with over $300.00 in cash , someone left their purse sitting on a chair in the Library for the longest time, I finally grabbed it . I did think it was probably someones work money, however having the ED , i'll I wanted to do was binge and purge. At 88lbs , I lived for the ED .

I've done a lot of rotten shit in my life. This only verifies how evil of a person I truely am . My brother jokingly said to me the other day that I have a black heart. It made me smile. Only because sometimes I embrace that part of me.

My biological father was a very , very bad person. Most people were afraide of him. He was huge, built like a football player. And very tall. Intimadating as hell to the average person, he would rob gas stations and had a violent temper .

I never heard nice things about him , ever. From the foster home or foster parents , who were so scared of him. This is how I became split. Split, a very evil part, and a very nice part . Good or bad. Heckel and Jyde . No in between.

Usually on the outside I appear to be "nice" on the inside I am screaming evil and understand that I have to really try hard not to allow that side of me to prevail. The evil , hateful, side that in an instant will have no problem picking up a gun and using it on everyone . I don't own a gun , folks . It is that knowing part of me , that I can and would, will do something of that nature easily, that helps me know just what is the evil demons inside of me really all about? Maybe it is just pure hatred? Due to past experiences , that have clouded my perception . I really don't understand clearly myself.

BPD, it is only a label, I see how it efftects my life though, and wonder what is in store for the future.

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http://books.google.com/books?id=QdFvrBnEEEoC&pg=PA83&lpg=PA83&dq=borderline+personality+disorder+perfectionists&source=bl&ots=ig844EXVov&sig=JN7y2yhi1qvGEn_z0B8C5O8NMq4&hl=en&ei=X3qpSp-AD5L9nAe66tykDw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=3#v=onepage&q=borderline%20personality%20disorder%20perfectionists&f=false

How much do you believe perfectionism, overly critical and violence plays into being BPD?

I just ask this out of curiosity. I just feel I've encountered a lot of this behavior within my own family and neighbors.

In the book it states that a lot of psychiatrists prefer to label BPD as Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome since a lot of the symptoms are similar.

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http://books.google.com/books?id=QdFvrBnEEEoC&pg=PA83&lpg=PA83&dq=borderline+personality+disorder+perfectionists&source=bl&ots=ig844EXVov&sig=JN7y2yhi1qvGEn_z0B8C5O8NMq4&hl=en&ei=X3qpSp-AD5L9nAe66tykDw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=3#v=onepage&q=borderline%20personality%20disorder%20perfectionists&f=false

How much do you believe perfectionism, overly critical and violence plays into being BPD?

I just ask this out of curiosity. I just feel I've encountered a lot of this behavior within my own family and neighbors.

In the book it states that a lot of psychiatrists prefer to label BPD as Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome since a lot of the symptoms are similar.

This is very interesting . PTSD , is however a different disorder. But, their is so much overlap between he two . Many disorders have some of the same characteriestics , however, remain distinctive as a separate disorder.

The perfectionism, overly critical , and violence, IS how my foster mother was to a tee. I was raised in an environment like that, + my biological parents , my father being violent, abusive, and the mother neglectful . The foster mother was more emotionally and verbally abusive, along with those other behaviors that I now understand , created the splitting . Meaning I now see things as all or nothing, good or bad, and in black or white terms. Their is no in between .

Interesting enough about PTSD, because i have been given that label as well as BPD . PTSD , because the psychatrist found I had extremely low corisol levels, he told me that it was as if I had been in a war. Through bloodwork , the psyhatrist that I see knows specifically what chemicals in the body do, and the significance of what it means when chemicals in the brain or body are off > He is the one who also found the low thyroid problem too. Low thyroid can cause depression , and other unpleasant symtoms. I went so far badly into the clinical depression that it was turning psychotic symtoms .

Violence , turned towards the body, and not anybody else. I now belive the PTSD is what has kept me functioning in a numbing state of mind, and unable to feel . I am always struggling with the disconnection of my body and the state of being unreal. Can see myself moving, and watching the self from a distance, sometimes my voice is not mine, it is a voice that is distant , from myself. It is the oddest and strangest thing to experience , and it happens most frequently.

The BPD, PTSD clincal depression, anxiety, avoidance, and the hateful thoughts, I have towards others scares me. I sometimes jokingly tell my therapist, brother, If "only I had a gun" I'd use it and blow everybodys heads off. Sadly, it is not a joke, however it is the rage , I have to always control in order not to EVER act out towards others, therfore it is turned towards myself.

This is why I believe The Self injury has become what it is , now. VERY severe. Because u don't go to prison for hurting yourself! That is only one reason why the SI is severe though . The numbing out is regular for me. SI brings me back to a balanced state. I have my feet on the ground again. To feel something , makes life worth living.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well from everything I've read Personality Disorders do not go away, ever!!

It's like we were frozen somehow at an earlier stage of development, and never learned to cope somehow. I wish I knew more about how they know this, and what the stages of development might be and how we can accomplish them however belatedly.

I'm not BPD, though, I'm AvPD (avoidant). But anyway.

I had some therapy back in the day and it really did help! Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, as it helps you to THINK properly. Wherever you go there you are.

The nice thing is that for you BPDs, there's SO MUCH awareness of it going on right now, and lots of help for you.

Hang in there and keep working at it! It won't go away on its own, but it's something you can learn to manage. Like any health condition people have to live with.

Hang in there!

Jane

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest ASchwartz

Hi Jane and everyone,

Part of the problem with all of these diagnoses is that we forget that we are human beings. Human beings are quite capable of change, growth, improvement and learning throughout life into and including old age. Yes, sometimes a person is very rigid and may fight against changing. That 's only because people are all so different. This is what I mean: we use these diagnoses (all of us) as though it really defines a person and its not true. Sure, a diagnosis may help the doctors prescribe the right medication. But, that's it. We human beings are so very complex and the human brain is so very sophisticated that it is mind boggling.

Jane and everyone, please know that you, myself and others are able to fully change in positive and wonderful ways throughout our lives.

What do you think??

Allan:)

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Hi Jane and everyone,

Part of the problem with all of these diagnoses is that we forget that we are human beings. Human beings are quite capable of change, growth, improvement and learning throughout life into and including old age. Yes, sometimes a person is very rigid and may fight against changing. That 's only because people are all so different. This is what I mean: we use these diagnoses (all of us) as though it really defines a person and its not true. Sure, a diagnosis may help the doctors prescribe the right medication. But, that's it. We human beings are so very complex and the human brain is so very sophisticated that it is mind boggling.

Jane and everyone, please know that you, myself and others are able to fully change in positive and wonderful ways throughout our lives.

What do you think??

Allan:)

this is the very REASON I hate labels > Hate them with a passion. I understand that the Dr's need to have a diagnoses, I have heard it is for insurance reasons, so they get paid, as well as perscribe medications.

My son, he is disabled, I hate what the lables are, and what the professionals think or say he has. Because he is my child, not a label .

For me, those dumb labels have been there for 25years > I ignore the labels as much as I can, I loathe them.

Even when I see that my behaviors prove otherwise, I try to block them all out, the diagnoss, classifications , DSM , all of that.

Golly Gee, I have a hard enough time just being , and not numb, detached , disconnected from myself, then to deal with the other stuff, but , shoot, isn;t that yet again anther diagnoses? :o Forget that crap, it never goes away, so the best that we can all hope for is to COPE, cope without destroying ourselves as we try and live.

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this is the very REASON I hate labels > Hate them with a passion. I understand that the Dr's need to have a diagnoses, I have heard it is for insurance reasons, so they get paid, as well as perscribe medications.

My son, he is disabled, I hate what the lables are, and what the professionals think or say he has. Because he is my child, not a label .

For me, those dumb labels have been there for 25years > I ignore the labels as much as I can, I loathe them.

Even when I see that my behaviors prove otherwise, I try to block them all out, the diagnoss, classifications , DSM , all of that.

Golly Gee, I have a hard enough time just being , and not numb, detached , disconnected from myself, then to deal with the other stuff, but , shoot, isn;t that yet again anther diagnoses? :o Forget that crap, it never goes away, so the best that we can all hope for is to COPE, cope without destroying ourselves as we try and live.

Hey Cathy,

Totally agree with you there. Labels, as far as im concerned are just a few letters strung together. They mean jack to me. I have a collection of so called labels, all to describe how i am , what i am suffering from.

It dosnt change a damn thing. To me i only suffer from myself, and in my own head i just have one label that i suffer from, its not a medical diagnoses and pdocs dont use it , although i think that they should.

I suffer from a severe case of "Me Syndrome" and as for the cure at the moment well thats just "unknown"

Take care,

your friend

Sue

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  • 1 month later...

Hi all. I just wanted to share that I had somewhat of a response to this thread, in a thread I created in the New Members Forum, since that's what I am and at the time couldn't respond here. So it doesn't all respond, but some of it doesn't and I hope the read is interesting if nothing else.

http://community.mentalhelp.net/showthread.php?t=2671

Interesting thing about BPD is that in the diagnostic criteria they're very sure of how and if you have it, but never speak of very, very different people are who suffer from it. The disorder is identifiable, but people are unique to themselves. Thus the ability to get better is again, unique to each person. Not even just their life experience as a Borderline, but even the therapists on offer to them. Because a good working relationship with your therapist is an absolute must and if you aren't fortunate enough to find that or have it find you my best advice would be to keep looking and never give up. People interested in working with Borderlines who are interested in giving back by giving their all are out there. It may takes years of self discovery and skills you learn with mediocre therapists till you find the right one, but when you do, those years will never matter anymore.

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