Hard to Go On

[movingforward]

My bullying experiences as a child is really impacting my life. The negative tape that has been internalized stops me from trying. Since this happened in school, I have a fear of school. The ironic thing is I'm a teacher. Right now, I feel like I can't go on. I'm so scared of school now. How can I alleviate this fear?

[finding my way]

Hi movingforward, have you been able to get therapy yet for your experiences? Trauma can really work its way into our thoughts if there is no opportunity to heal, and most of us have to have help of some kind to do that. You may have posted before on your story, so sorry if I'm not remembering at the moment. If you get a chance to heal that younger person inside that experienced the trauma, you will have more of your own resources available to you to meet the present day challenges of teaching. Let us know where you are with all that....

[movingforward]

Hi there,

I have a therapist but we haven't delved into the past. We have been working on what's going on and how to cope with the present. I will be taking classes and not sure when I can see my therapist. I also think 50 minutes once a week is not enough for me. Does anyone know a type of therapy that helps healing with the past?...I also never thought of childhood bullying as trauma. I have been ashamed of it and felt I am weak...I'm not sure if I posted my story here.

Trying to move forward

Hi movingforward, have you been able to get therapy yet for your experiences? Trauma can really work its way into our thoughts if there is no opportunity to heal, and most of us have to have help of some kind to do that. You may have posted before on your story, so sorry if I'm not remembering at the moment. If you get a chance to heal that younger person inside that experienced the trauma, you will have more of your own resources available to you to meet the present day challenges of teaching. Let us know where you are with all that....

[David O]

Hi Hard to Go On,

Bullying is tough to get over. I was a survivor of bullying… all b/c I was an immigrant. A nearly black skinned (from working in the fields), smelly, dirty kid who challenged, by my very existence, the purity of mainstream society. But what was the worst for me was when leaving MX I was unable to return for years to see my family b/c of my fears of being killed, brutalized or tortured (experiences I had witnessed or had done to me when I lived there as a child).

My wife and I decided that our kids should see where their father came from, to see his native land and people, and visit his small village in the middle of nowhere. The decision was difficult as I was terrified by the trauma that had produced severe PTSD for decades. At long last I would return home. We flew to El Paso and rented a car to cross over. As we approached the immigration cubicles my heart began to pound, my legs weakened and I was unable to drive the car. My wife and I exchanged seats so she could do it. I was sweaty all over as panic after panic attack besieged me—before me were the men who had forced me, and all of us when we were young, to experience things no person should ever have to see or feel or think about. We got to the point where the federal soldier came to our car and peeked in… I peed my pants in panic. He asked us a series of questions and my voice quivered in fear as I stumbled to say “American citizen!” to his question. He stared at me momentarily and I could feel his eyes penetrating to see my fear, his ears hearing my heart pounding, his nose picking up the scent of my terror. He motioned for us to move on.

This was my first contact with the Federales in nearly 15 years. My wife kept saying to me: “Just remember, this is not the country you once new… you need to understand that the dangers from the past no longer exist and you need to find better was to protect yourself, otherwise you’ll never return to see your family or country.” My fears were never realized and I had overblown them to the point that I couldn’t stand up or drive since my body was shutting down. Have you ever been so terrified that you couldn’t walk, that your legs couldn’t move and your voice had no sound? I have since returned every 1-3 years. Yes I’m terrified still, but my need/desire to see my family overrides my fears of what was once done to me. Each time it gets easier and easier, but it's hard to rinse those memories away from every cell.

In therapy, I tell push clients to step into it, irrespective of the anxiety-- after repeated exposures where our fears don't come true, a "new tape" is developed-- but this has to be conscious and deliberate each step of the way. If the client can't step into it, I suggest they try it initially on an SSRI (Zoloft, Paxil, Prozac) first to reduce the anxiety and as they get stronger, we look at weaning from the meds. This can take 8-12 weeks. If you want to try this, you can start by reading the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook (<$10 at half.com) and working thru the exercises.

Hard to Go On, maybe this is what I can say to start you thinking about it differenly… “Just remember, this is not the school where you were bullied… these are not the same kids… the dangers from the past no longer exist… maybe it’s time to find better ways to protect yourself, otherwise you’ll suffer needlessly, which will affect your career and life.” Therapy would make a huge difference, as suggested by finding my way.

Good luck and I hope this helps.

Edited September 13, 2009 by David O