How can I feel like I am not alone...

[rproctor]

For so long now I have felt alone. It is the worse feeling I have ever felt. Everyday I feel like it gets worse and worse... Waking up alone, spending the day alone, going to sleep alone... All alone, all the time... No friends, no family, only myself...

My small group of friends that I did have do not want to deal with me as I have stopped using drugs, and as that was our only connection our friendships have pretty much been lost in the wind. My family does not live close, and even if they did live close by we still dont get along... No women in my life, it seems that I am a failure with women and cant maintain any type of relationship.

Im not good at social gatherings, how can I make friends and meet women? I need friends, true friends who are good and good for me. I need healthy people who are close to me. My entire life has been coated with negative people from negative parents to negative friends and more.

[malign]

Where do you work? (Okay, I don't need to know; it's more like,) Are there any people there? Do you go out, at all? What are your interests, are there any (small) groups who get together to do that?

You need to decide whether you like big groups or small (it sounds like you prefer small), but don't exclude social events automatically. For instance, I'm fond of hiking. Occasionally, there are trail work trips, where six or eight people get together, usually not knowing each other beforehand, and they go work on trail maintenance for a day. If you don't want to mix, you can just work; you don't have to talk to more than one or two people at a time; you're doing something useful and good exercise even if you don't end up meeting anyone. It's just an example; I bet you can find something like that for most interests, if you're determined.

Basically, look around where you already "are". We're surrounded by people, the trick is getting to know them somehow.

[rproctor]

Hello Malign,

I work as a graphic designer where I sit endlessly at my desk tucked away from everyone else as to not disturb my "creative" process... To be honest, it is driving me mad... Working on a computer all day, everyday, never ending never changing. 5 years now I have done this.

To be honest the people I work with are not really people I would get along with. There is only a handful of us here. The only person who I would get along with no longer works here. Most of the people are relatively older than myself, and are married/children/etc.

Your right though, maybe I should voluteer some of my time. I would like to do something like that, get out and get to meet some new people... I am just unsure as how to actually "make" new friends, as saying something like "hey want to be friends?" does not really work...

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Rproctor,

Your problem is familiar to me as I had quite a number of psychotherapy clients who worked in your industry and had the same complaint.

Yes, Malign's idea is excellent. In fact, you need to get out as much as possible.

In addition to that, it is possible to think of a different career. For example, there is teaching comupter or IT skills, or going into an entirely new field. Perhaps that would call for more school. Well, why not?

Yes, there are lots of opportunities for volunteer work as well. I have known many young people who volunteered in homeless shelters and made friends with other volunteers there. Or there are lots of other opportunities. What you need is to put yourself in public places where you can say "Hi" to people and even strike up a conversation. People are always looking for a friendly face. If someone is not friendly, just move on to someone else.

What do you think and what ideas do others have?

Also, can you tell us more about yourself??

Allan

[malign]

Nah, it's not a manufacturing process; you can't "make" friends. :-)

Friends just happen, usually when you're doing something else. That's why it makes sense to talk to older married people (I'm probably both, for instance). They can be friends, even if their lives are not exactly like yours, even if they're not "dates". There's such a thing as trying too hard. Volunteering, or just trying to join a club or hobby group, is another way to do that. Find people who like the things you like, first; you're bound to find people that you like among them.

[rproctor]

The thing is, what do I like? I like... not a whole lot of things I suppose... I enjoy making and playing music, but not so much going to concerts because of all the people. I enjoy art, anything artistic that can spark interest in my mind. Other than that... I am not sure what I like, to be honest... I have spent the better part of my years behind drugs and alcohol, clouded. If I went out, it was to a bar, to get drunk... If it wasn't a bar, it was some type of event that involved drinking and or drugs...

I want to get away from those things now... But I don't know how... As strange as that might seem. I am from a rather sketchy city, where drinking and drugs are pretty much the pinnacle of our society. Every street has a couple bars on it, and alcohol can be found at every gas station, convenience store, restaurant, party, or event. Everyone I know or have known seems to drink. Every date I have went on in the past 6 months has involved drinking. Everytime I see my friends it involved drinking and or drugs. Even my coworkers are drinkers.

Not that there is anything wrong with drinking, or that I think it is bad. I just have issues with losing control of myself. I cant seem to limit my drinking, and often black out not remembering what I had done during the night. I can just have one or two and be fine, but in all honesty I would rather just not drink than to just drink one or two... I just want to clean myself up, clean out the bad people in my life, and get my life together.

The hardest part of this for me is the feeling of being alone. While I was taking drugs on a regular basis I could help to close this feeling out... I didn't notice it as much, and if I did I could just take some more drugs and slip back into heaven. There came a point where I couldn't feel the same high, and reality would seep through... Nothing worse than looking around a trashed up house, full of filth, doped out on drugs, alone, with nothing more than a couple dollars to my name... No wonder I couldn't make friends, hold onto women, feel good about myself.

Sometimes I feel unworthy of others, as I have nothing to offer than my infinite sorrow. I have been fucked up my whole life, all the way from when I was just a kid... I don't know how I have become the monster that I am today, where I gave up and how I stopped caring. The past few years have been the most miserable time of my life... I just want out, I need out, I cant take much more...

[IrmaJean]

Hi rproctor,

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling lonely. It sounds to me that you were using drugs and drinking as a means of escaping from reality and that you have taken a huge first step by stopping. Now you have begun to face the difficulties in your life. You're out of denial and you're feeling the pain that you'd been running away from in the past. Is there any way you can find a good therapist? I really think that we have to heal from within sometimes in order to believe in what we have to offer to others. When you discover yourself and believe in who you are as a person, others will begin to see what you feel. Joy is contagious so believing in yourself is key. Do you have someone who you can talk to? Any support at all?