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Past Torment + Questions


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Hi there,

Am totally new to this forum. Please bear with me!

I am a 44 year old man; outwardly successful but inwardly (perhaps) something of an insecure little boy. Life choices (in a social sense: mainly relationships) have been hard for me due to a life long nightmare surrounding the size of my penis (I am about 4.25 inches when fully erect).

I have to admit childhood - especially my teenage years - were the hardest to bear. "Ridicule" would be the operative word. The oldest of 3 brothers it seemed biologically cruel that I should have been born this way. Comments within the family (including from my very insensitive father) were always along the lines of "he - weiny boy" or "he - the girly of the family". It was hurtful to say the least; plus being compared to my younger brother (3 years my junior) who had a penis much larger than my own (I was about 12 years old at the time).

At school: obviously, I dreaded the locker room and was the laughing stock on many occasions (usually having a towel flicked at my genitals as we readied for swimming classes).

Despite growing into a physically large young man I remained burdened and scared of what would happen when I met a girl who wanted to have sex with me. The myths of the big feet and hands certainly did not apply to me!

I have to be honest there were indeed times when I felt very de-masculinized and subsequently began to wonder if I was in fact homosexual. This was rued by the fact that when I was on school camp during my first year at high school a couple of older guys cornered me in the shower and began to sexually torment me. For some reason (excitement? fear?) I got an erection. One of my tormentors subsequently grabbed my penis while the other held me telling me he was going to have sex with me - "because I was a girl". Again, I don't know whether it was the fear, the excitement, or the bodily contact - but shock horror - the nightmare of all nightmares - I ejaculated. How could a person be so humiliated? I wonder to this day.

That story (despite the passing of the years) remains hard to tell and it was at that time in my life that I began to get very depressed and even contemplated suicide (on several occasions). Thankfully I was however able to pull myself out of it - in time to graduate. I might add I received no support from anyone because I couldn't even talk about the incident (for a long time).

When I moved away from home (and my hometown) I engrossed myself in a successful career. I assumed "love" (for me) would only be something I would read about in a cheap novel. Then, I however met a woman and we hit it off. How tender and beautiful she was - and surprisingly (I thought) she said nothing about the size of my penis when she first saw it. I guess I was saved by the fact she was from a religious family of all girls and she was a virgin. After a time we however broke up (the religious aspect of her life, etc.).

When it came to the next few women in my life it was the dreaded size thing that ended these relationships - one after the other. I couldn't bear the names like "ittle oy" and "wee man".

How much mockery and dispair should a man have to endure - due to a fate of nature? I assume small penises are genetic? I never inherited mine from my father that's for sure. Is it likely to have come from my mother's side?

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Size is apparently passed from the mothers side according to a couple of things I have read, however I do not have definative proof, so who knows. Probably best not to breed though.

I am roughly in your size range, and like most of us, your story is of humiliation, different, but the same. I could say something huggy, like Im sorry for you, but whats the point.

As your own expierence tells you, there are women out there who do not care about your size and who will enjoy sex with you. There are women who will laugh, tell, be nasty or worse sympathise. However wading through all that shit is something I give up on long ago.

If you want to get over this penis thing, you have to do it in your own mind. Basically tell yourself that every negative conclusion you have ever come to, from every negative expeirence you have ever had is completely the wrong conclusion. Everything, including your penis is a wonder of the universe, and unicorns would reappear on the earth again if only YOU truly believed it.

If this helps please send 5 pounds to............

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Hi green_ginger,

Like I said in my post I am like you and experienced the same crap. You need to make a choice.

1. Stop all contact with women and become a lonely man for the rest of your life. Constantly feeling angry and becoming more and more depressed.

2. Keep trying to find the love of your life. You will eventually find a great girl. There is a lot going for you that would make you very attractive to many women.

I chose number 2. It takes a lot of courage but my skin thickened quite a lot during the years and I never stopped trying until I met my goal. Loneliness was not an option for me. Try online dating websites and you can discuss these issues beforehand which can greatly increase your success. I wish these websites were available when I was looking. Maybe someone should start a website that has men looking for partners that are not bothered about size. I bet it would be huge!

Nearlydead has given up and nothing will change that…

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Hi Smith222,

Thanks for your meaningful advice. It is also re-assuring to know I am not alone (both in regards to "size" and past experiences).

Yeah, online dating has its many advantages. Not least of all the ability to learn so much about a potential partner before you even meet them.

In many ways I believe the porn industry image of the (supposed) true red-blooded male - complete with six-pack and hung like a horse - has distorted reality and many women have something of a mixed expectation in regards to male physical performance and morphology. Then again - women also have to grapple with the bean pole "model" image - and accompanying male expectations.

There can be no denying we belong to a minority (I have been around enough locker rooms to know that) and until now (this forum) have had no real opportunity to tell my story. The fact there are guys like me here - boosts my confidence greatly. Sure, my penis size still causes me anxiety but this anxiety is almost surely bolstered by past experiences more than anything else. I am however attempting to work my way through this pain.

Thanks again for your advice.


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Hi green_ginger,

When I think back at how I was made fun of by some of my close friends as a teenager they really didn’t seem to understand the hurt I was going through…it was as though it was just a joke and get over it. They didn’t see it as a devastating condition I thought I had…I did end up with a girlfriend for 3 years from the age of 17 who was in the inner circle of all my friends. She heard the jokes and laughed as well. I can remember that like it was yesterday, I was horrified. I was really angry with her for laughing and she couldn’t understand why I was so weirdly quiet and angry. When I tried to discuss it with her she still laughed. I was so screwed up about it I couldn’t see she was completely bewildered with my reaction. She did not see it as an issue. I wasn’t even close to believing that.

Also let’s take for example the help on this website (the administrators), they are all a little shell shocked at the emotional anger and pain that’s been posted by sufferers. Their comments try to make us understand that it’s not as bad as we think…but almost all sufferers refuse to listen to anything they have to say and are convinced they are cursed for ever. Guys who have a small penis are heavily scarred; it’s deeply disturbing…I was one of those guys for years.

The turning point for me was a girl who dumped me because I kept telling her I had something really important to tell her and it took a few weeks before I came up with the courage. When I finally did she said she knew that’s what I was going to say and didn’t care about that…anyway we continued our relationship for a while but she eventually dumped me saying I had too many issues with my penis and that it was all too much for her to deal with. I of course initially refused to believe that and thought just another girl wanting more, but on further reflexion I looked back at our time together and how happy she was. She loved me. She was devastated. I was wrong...

There are girls who don’t worry about penis size. Most guys in the same boat as us refuse to believe this. I refused for years. How could I have come across that many girls where size wasn’t an issue? Was I just lucky? I don’t think so. I’m the one who had the wrong belief that all women were only interested in a big penis.

It took me a long time to understand this but once I did I never made a huge issue of it again with women. I would say “I’ve got a small one”, and laugh it off. If she didn’t call back I knew it was an issue for her and it was the end of that relationship. Then I met another great girl and she travelled half way around the world to see me again. I knew then that it was definitely not an issue with her and when I asked her to marry me she said yes. The most important thing I learned was not to make a huge deal of the fact I had a 4.5 inch penis ever again with women as this was a big turn off. I still had issues of course but when I finally understood I was truly free.

I am not normally proportioned and it will always be something that bothers me. I’m surprised that there hasn't been some sort of progress on finding a physical solution. If there was I would definitely want to know what it’s like to be proportioned.


Edited by Smith222
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Hi Smith222,

I believe I understand much of where you are coming from.

Needless to say I do sometimes wonder what life would have been like if I had been born with a bigger penis...

I imagine I would have participated in more sporting activities, I would have had more girlfriends, I would have been more confident in both sexual and social situations. Most importantly of all however; I believe I would have felt more masculine.

Are our penises not the ultimate expression of our "manhood"? (Hence the term?).

As I said; I have largely put my past behind me. The fact however is; I still ponder...

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