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Update: new fears


helpmeplz
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Hi guys,

I made the transition to university, its been about a month now and im basicallly quite settled in.

Im not sure if its because I`ve moved or that my mind is focused on studying now, but the masochistic fantasies that plaugued me have been gone for about a month now.

The fear of being gay persists, although i must say it has become less scary now that i can see it is a very irrational fear.

What brings me back here though, is that I have gotten into a new situation that troubles me. Basically in the first week at university i met a girl, and we really liked each other etc. We eventually ended up making out (we havnt had sex but got pretty close), anyway during this i was extremley aroused (in fact in the first few days I would actually get slightly aroused just talking to her). However, instead of reassuring me, I now have developed an incredible fear that I might slip back into my previous state of masochistic fantasies or “become” homosexual and ruin what i have.

Another related fear comes from what I have long experienced during mastrubation. I often get extremley anxious when i mastrubate to porn. I belive this was due to the volume, (at the height of it, especially during summers where I had free time, Id mastrubate 3-4 times a day to various types of porn.), but im not certain. Basically there are times when i could mastrubate, care-free, to the material and other times where i would be gripped by panic as i mastrubated and id question what i was mastrubating to (things like: I bet ure mastrubating to that man not the girl, or i bet you wish you were that girl. would go through my headl) such intrusive thoughts would either absolutley ruin the mastrubation or cause me to slip back into one of those masochistic fantasies. I am extremley scared somthing similar will happen to me when i have sexual intercourse, which by the looks of it isnt going to be too far away.

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From what I understand from reading about anxiety, a key point is that thoughts are just thoughts. You are not your thoughts. Just because you randomly think something doesn't make it true, doesn't make it your feeling or your preference.

You like a girl, your body likes her; there's not much more to sexual orientation than that. My suggestion: anything that gives you that sudden feeling of fear? Question the fear, not the thought. Just drop the thought, and ask yourself, why am I afraid? Is it real? It might not help, but it might delay your reaction long enough to break the link.

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I dont know why it comes up, ive always had this sense of impending doom around pretty much evrything. I always expect the worst i guess, when i was a kid it was about usually about death, now its a fear that im going to become somone who is controlled by hurtful thoughts, and in the process lose my ability to be with women. The problem is though that even just thinking about this stuff starts to drag on my relationship i just want it to go away so i can be happy with what i have, all the fears and the thoughts. I mean the fantasies have been gone for 6 maybe 7 weeks now but the fear still exists, i wonder if im going to live all my life like this.

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Hi There

I dont really understand what you are going through. However I can kinda relate to a few of your thoughts.

I usually have a some (ok, lots) of negative thoughts, and often presume that the worst is going to happen. You will only become controlled by your thoughts if you allow it. To some degree, we all have the inner strength and power to control what we are thinking about.

Distraction, sometimes that works for me, OK. not exactly rocket science I know, but it can help, especialy when my thoughts are starting to get the better of me.

Some times its the simple things that help me refocus my thoughts, like doing crafts or reading, playing music, really loud (thats a fav of mine) and just getting lost in the music.

It dosnt always work, but it can help to take your mind off things for a while.

I hope this helps a little

Take care

Jj

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are you afraid of sex in general? i,ve learned that for me because of what i was taught i feared sex for many years. still did it but had a heavily masked fear. when i was young woman would bring out my desire and i felt wrong in having it, wrong for wanting it, and at the same time wrong for turning it down (which i did a lot just out of fear) i confused sex and emotions and was under the impression that people who wanted and had sex were less happy and carried guilt.

it wasent till i recognized my thoughts were quite wrong that the fear subsided and all the questions running in my head stoped. i was able to accept myself as human..

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Helpmeplz,

I hope this will relieve a good deal of your anxiety:

When you masturbabe, you sometimes fear that you are more attracted to the male than the female. OK, the way the pornographers go about their work today, the are attempting to make male homosexuality appealing to heterosexual men. This is why you are reacting in the way you are. No, you are not gay, you are responding to pornographic brain washing.

As to your masochistic fantasies, of course they have now disappeared!!!! You are now at the University and that's enough masochism for all of us :) Just joking, of course.

Enjoy knowing this girl you have met and get to know her. It sounds great and a real girl beats pornography every time.

Allan :)

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what if they come back though?

i know its now impossible for me to fantasize about those things when im conscious, but there is no way i can control my dreams, sometimes i wake up and wonder if i had one of those dreams and just cant remeber it, while i hope and would like to beleive having one of these relapses isnt inevitable, they have always come back in my life up to this point, i guess i want to be mentally prepared if they do happen to come back. should i just ignore it? or somehow try accept that i cant really change my dreams even though i really want to, and try continue with my life as normal?

Also recently i kind of wonder if my fantasies are just heterosexual ones that i have looked at through the wrong perspective, i say this because the dreams focus entirley on the woman anatomy wise, i just happen to think "i am her". i think this is a relevant point becuase in any of my other dreams (whether my non masochist sexual dreams or my non sexual dreams) i always embody myself as i currently am physically/mentally and evrything. If these dreams were truly masochistic dreams about myself, wouldnt it be me as i currently am having all those horrible things done to me? not just some attractive woman my mind creates and then tells me "i am"?

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How could it possibly matter if you have a dream and then forget it?

My guess is that I've forgotten all sorts of awful and impossible things that I've done in dreams, and that just makes me happy for the forgetting. :-)

Seriously, the phrase "what if" is a very common one in people who are over-anxious. It's an excuse to continue worrying even about stuff that isn't going to happen. That suggests to me that this is less about the fantasies than it is about the worrying.

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@roamer

i dont think i am afraid of sex, i honestly dont have much of a problem if i initiate contact or if she does, sometimes i will get flashes of fear during whatever we are doing like thoughts of "am i enjoying this enough" or somthing stupid like that, which i can usually ignore

@ malign

i guess you are right, however as irrational it may seem to you guys it is a very real fear to me, having a long period of time where i am in no real control of my thoughts makes me feel helpless, everytime i try and tell mysef my dreams dont really mean anything il just go on the internet and see about 50 000 different sites with "dreams interpretations and what they mean about you" or somthing similar as their title. Ive always had trouble sleeping as a result since i was a kid id just stay up in bed and be scared of what i might dream, im better now but i think i have developed a bit of a dependance on ambien, take one everynight to get to sleep

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Helpmeplz,

Dreams are just that, dreams. What may seem obvious in a dream is not. Dreaming of a man may represent yourself. Day dreaming or fantasizing about a man may represent yourself.

Are you in therapy? It seems to me it would be a good idea for you. You have a lot of fears, anxieties and self doubts as well as a lot of misinformation about sex, dreams and fantasies.

Yes, I understand that these fears are very real to you and very painful. That is why I believe psychotherapy would be a great idea for you.

By the way, you can work on stopping some of these thoughts that upset you. For example, having sex and then thinking "Am I enjoying this enough," is something you can dismiss and replace.

Allan:)

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Your own thoughts can sometimes become your worst enemy especially when you perception of a situation far more distorted that it really is.

From an outsiders point of view I was slightly confused at why you fear being a homosexual so much when in fact you also have attractions to women as you stated yourself. You said you really liked her, she made you aroused so therefore would you not consider the possibility of bisexuality ?

But obviously you have had some thoughts in the past leaning to homosexuality that have made you question yourself. Excuse my fascination on the topic but I find it intriguing that sexuality can be so vague and confusing for some people and very defined and definite for others.

Are you more concerned about the uncertainty, or the possibility that you may have feelings for guys too ? I can understand that not being sure can be a justified reason for feeling anxious, also the fact that you may dislike homosexuality or reject the feelings while your focused on a relationship with a girl but once you come to a resolution of what your preferences are and learn to accept it you may find some peace with.

Sexuality orientation is not a switch we can turn on and of or change or and its not something that you can fight, trying to change things that you can't will only make you more anxious. Whatever your orientation is you should be focus on figuring it out and then learning how to live with it.

By no means am I saying your a homosexual or bisexual, I'm just saying you need to figure it out whatever it is without being so afraid and accept whatever cards you have been dealt by life. If it turns out your lucky enough to enjoy both sides of the fence then make the most of it :rolleyes:

All the best

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presently, after much thinking over, i can say that im not concerened about having feelings or attractions toward guys, i never have had any to any guy in real life,in other words ive never had a `crush`on another guy, i have never thought about another guys body and gotten aroused physically, i can however get extremley scared that i might get aroused. i think at this point in my life, and from what i understand about myself i can say i am heterosexual, just an extremley confused one.

I know it may seem like i scared of homosexuality or bisexuality as ideas or ways of living, and am therfore scared of being one. but i am not, im just scared of what arouses me personally, i dont know what homsexuals or bisexuals fantasize about but i highly doubt their fantasies would involve graphic and disturbing acts done to women (wont say me as a woman anymore because im starting to belive that this isnt the case.) i have such an aversion to these fantsies in my opinion because they seem to emulate what happened to me earlier in my life, which i used to hate. A lot of the worry i experience comes from the fear that these fantasies will interfere with how i want to live my life.

oh and as for therapy, i know it would probably be good for me, but there are a few factors holding me back from pursuing it activley the first being that i am actually quite busy with work, and the second being a worry that the psychologist treating me might try do what Endure did and tell me my sexuality might actually be homosexual or bisexual(for the record i have nothing against Endure i understand why somone might say that), i honestly think if somone, especially somone with the authority of a doctor said that to me it would cause me to go right back to square one, becuase i can confidently say that i wont accept that im a homosexual or a bisexual fully, ever, and it would do little except put more doubts in my mind.

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If you have never had "feelings or attractions toward guys", or a "`crush`on another guy" then you are simply NOT a homosexual or bisexual, there is no if's, buts or maybes about it dude.

I don't know you enough to assume what you are, I only went with what you wrote when you said "I developed an incredible fear that I might slip back into my previous state...homosexuality" but now that you have elaborated on it, it is more evident that your problem isn't homosexuality but more so a fear of doubting yourself...would I be wrong to think your allowing yourself to be taunted by unfounded twisted fears ?

I' have no medical background but I am certain if you went to a a professional and started of by telling them "you don't feel attracted to guys" yet you have these concerns there is no way their going to assume your bisexual or homosexual. You just need to put your foot down and confirm to yourself that you are not gay or bisexual, you need some sort of cognitive therapy or reprogramming your subconscious to help you stop contradicting your own thoughts.

It is very important that you seek a professional for this, you will come out feeling so much better for it, just clarify to them what you said here and don't worry I'm sure they wont dismiss you as just gay when in fact it is now so obvious that your not.

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on sidenote id like to clear somthing up

i dont exacty have a wealth of experience in the department but maybe you guys do, basically remeber how i said i used to be able to get hard from just talking to the girl or holding her hand or hugging or somthing totally benign like that? well we obviously progressed past that kind of stuff and i dont really get the same reaction to things like just holding hands anymore. i still feel somthing, but it definatley isnt as intense as it was a month ago, i was under the impression this was normal but im not totally sure, and i have begun worrying , which probably isnt surprising lol, that somthing might be wrong.

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recently when ive been with her the worry has kind of gripped me and i kinda force contact even though im not even really in the mood.i mean i should feel somthing and then make the contact right? not the other way around? it shouldnt be started by fear that im not feeling anyhthing,i feel almost as though i should be turned on constantly by her to feel reassured, this isnt the case right?

like i will hug her be happy then right after il notice idont have an erection like i used to and itt isnt the same i get extremley worried. i dont mean this like i juss dont get erectins at al anymore, i still do, but it often requires somthing like a kiss from her or somtihing, just touching her dosent really just do it for me anymore..im not sure if this is normal or abnormal.

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If nature had designed people to always have the same subsequent reactions to situations then married men would have some explaining to do their kids for why daddy's pants always expand every time he sees mummy :D

I think its just deconditioning, your body responses may adapt but it doesn't mean you love her any less in my opinion. Great question though. :)

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Guest GingerSnap

Sounds normal to me. In the beginning, it takes very little to peak one's interest but as time goes on, that sort of slows down. Can you imagine what life would be like for a married couple when they got that "excited" every time they touched? That would be exhausting in itself. You really are OK but just need to quit pouring over each little sexual detail - I would think that over time that would destroy the true feelings that can come from the "experience". And, as I have stated before, in a committed relationship, the sexual relationship will be much more rewarding and less stressful over time when you won't feel that you "must" feel something but just really appreciate all the feelings that it brings.

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  • 3 months later...

Hey there. I'm a girl and can totally relate to what you're saying. And I can tell you that anyone with OCD could relate to what ur saying too. Having those unpleasant thoughts repeatedly. I've also had similar thoughts to urs and wondered if i was a lesbian. Sometimes when i see a girl and admire her figure, I'll wonder if there is something sexual about my admiration. And then I feel bad. I try to remember that, like someone else already said, i am not my thoughts. Your brain is completey capable of thinking the most insane things that u truely dont agree with or believe. Some people who suffer with OCD have had thoughts of killing their family and then punish themselves for thinking it, but they can't help it. The trick is to not be afraid of the thoughts. Let them happen, don't try to force yourself not to think about them. That'll just enhance the fear. Let them be, let them go where they want to go. Remember your brain is inventive, creative and wildly imaginative. It's part of the beauty. The more I remembered this, the less the thoughts happened. I realize that I'm not turned on by women, simple. But the only way to get such confirmation is by confronting the thoughts, so to speak. You'll learn that they don't have power over you and mean nothing in the end. If you're not voluntarily seeking homosexual experiences, it's really unlikely that you're gay. Especially since you're aroused by women.

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i also just wanted to mention, about the lack of desire you have around this girl. well, you're probably just like any other college guy and girl, u had ur fix and now ur just not into it anymore. alot of people are like that, they like the chase, then they get what they want and they move on. seriously, totally normal. :(

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