Jump to content
Mental Support Community

Recommended Posts

At age 12 I got exposed to pornography by a married older man. I got told I should not say anything to his wife and he sat there looking at me like I was a puppy, like he waited for something. I remember I said annoyed what are you looking at, nothing he said and turned his head away. I didn´t want to eat the ice cream anymore and I left. I´m glad I did go and was able too. I was fine until age 23. Not sure what made the trigger, but my first boyfriend made comments about people on tv, models and so. So I felt I wasn´t good enough I guess. I left him because of this. The I got married and he did the same, saying that models and people on tv were great because they had become something. I did never get exposed to pornography as an adult by my boyfriends, but they have all been abusive and 3 of them have made comments about models and tv. It actually started for real after I got married, I got afraid leaving the tv room in case my exh should see something when I wasn´t there. For me that meant I was nothing after an incident like that. It would mean shame and humiliating for me as a woman. It meant, for me, I was second best and therefor not loved. That they wanted more to be with them than me. If it happens when I´m present it is ten times worse. Both is horrible.

I divorced after 7 years. After this I have had 3 abusive relationships which has wounded me a lot.

I did try some therapy NLP, but it didn´t work. I really want to find a good man and become a family one day, I don´t want to grow old alone. But to be safe and trust someone is difficult for me,my worst fear is not being able to be in a relationship because of my PTSD. I would believe it is PTSD. My symptoms comes right after the incident and my heart races and I cry and feel ashamed both for reacting like I do and ashamed to be exposed for nudity. I feel so little worth and humiliated when this happens. I know tv will be every day in a relationship and I know I can not continue crying and yelling my wounds and problems at my partner(when I hopefully find a good one) when in a relationship. It´s not his fault I know that. I am scared to death to be exposed for this again. I really don´t want to feel like that again. What can I do? I still can not have a normal day if in a relationship when it´s time for tv. Then I wait for the bad thing to happen and when it happens it will be problems. I still need to have control over what can happen when in relationship, I can not shower or do something else if tv is on, in case of a catastrophe. I find times to do showering and other things when I am safe. One time it was so bad I went through the whole tv program just to find secure time. My attacks does not happen when I´m alone exposed to it, it just bothers me a little and I switch to another channel with once if something should show up.

I also still carry ashamed feelings being in summer clothes in front of my father, but don´t know why these thoughts are there. I think he is thinking in a sexual way or something disgusting. I do remember two very ashamed episodes for me when I was around 11 and 13, both times my father was present. Maybe it was to get attention from him even he probably didn´t see me. If he should give a hug I would like to wash him of my chin. He stopped caring for us when I was 12 years old. He abused my mother and brother with violence and ignored all of us when we were little. Maybe he never cared, 24 years now without nearly no contact. And I´m glad about it.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest ASchwartz

Hello Sadgreeneyes,

I am only guessing, so, please do not take what I am writing as anything more than a guess, but, I doubt that the man with the pornography was traumatizing. I am guessing that something much worse may have been done to you if you feel traumatized. I can't say what may have happened to you except that it would have to be really awful and more than once for PTSD. Perhaps you were repeatedly abused, or witnessed real abuse, sexual, physical or verbal.

I am guessing this because your description of yourself getting into abusive relationship is the symptom of someone having been severely and repeatedly abused. But, again, I am venturing a guess. Even what you say about your fears of intimacy have that flavor of someone who went through some terrible things as a child.

What do others think and what do you think?

Allan :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello Sadgreeneyes,

I am only guessing, so, please do not take what I am writing as anything more than a guess, but, I doubt that the man with the pornography was traumatizing. I am guessing that something much worse may have been done to you if you feel traumatized. I can't say what may have happened to you except that it would have to be really awful and more than once for PTSD. Perhaps you were repeatedly abused, or witnessed real abuse, sexual, physical or verbal.

I am guessing this because your description of yourself getting into abusive relationship is the symptom of someone having been severely and repeatedly abused. But, again, I am venturing a guess. Even what you say about your fears of intimacy have that flavor of someone who went through some terrible things as a child.

What do others think and what do you think?

Allan :(

Allen ,

You did open the door for others to comment, I like that about you:)

Sadgreeneyes, is their more then what you have shared so far in your post? Because , personally , I know excatly what extreme , abuse , over and over again , as a young child can do to a person.

Even as an adult it will effect you , it is something that shapes a persons personality, thoughts , feelings, and your whole self.

it is also something that can really never just disappear, or go away, the past experiences of trauma > What I mean is all we can do is learn healthy ways of coping, and going into therapy to help us .

IF something of this nature has happend to you , as Allen described , and your symtoms fit , of a abuse victim , then I like to suggest that you go into therapy, one that specializes in trauma , and PTSD.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi sadgreeneyes,

What ever it is that is troubling you, it is obviously deeply rooted. You have described many of your feelings, and they are very strong feelings to have.

Do you know why you feel this way, or why it has made you take the outlook on life that you have ?

Seriously think about seeing your doctor, or as mscat sugggested seek out a good therapist, one that specialises in trauma / PTSD.

Ive had PTSD for many years now, i dont think it ever goes away, but with the right help and therapy it does ease enough so that you can grt your life back on track.

I wish you luck

please take care

Jj

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There was abuse when I grew up, my father who was distance and ignoring us and my mother came to mental hospital when I was around 5 years old. I didn´t see her again until I was 13 and didn´t know where she was or can not even remember she wasn´t there as a child, like it didn´t exist she was gone, I was so little. I don´t remember so much from my childhood. And my father was aggressive/violent against my mother and brother. One time he used the kitchen knife to scare my grandmother out of the house while we kids were looking. So yes, we did witnessed violent abuse. My sister has told me I was sitting alone in a corner in my fathers bedroom to avoid the fighting between my parents, I was about 2 and my sis tried to stand between them so they should stop, she was about 8.

I do also believe this is why I pick abusers, I remember you said Allan that my picker might be broken and it is. My sis picks the same bad guys.

But.. I can´t see why this should be the leading to my trauma about the tv?? I can not remember any sexual abuse from childhood, but now I also do remember again how bad it felt when I should go to bed at night as teenager, from 13-15. At this time my brother committed suicide and my sis married and moved 3 hours away so I got alone with my father. I was afraid my father should come in or hear I turned the key in the door because then he would know I was afraid or thinking something could happen, but I guess this was just my imagination. This fear started after my brother showed up on the doorstep to my bedroom many times just to make me feel bad I guess.

But it did never happen anything, not as I remember. But it was a cold unloving environment, no hugs or talking how was your day.

I really can not remember anything else than this. How come I can get so traumatized if nothing bad has happened, something close to what should trigger my unbearable situation??

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Something else came to my mind, some friends did put on pornography in a room for everyone to see, I was at that age 21-22, I left the room with once and got my (first) boyfriend with me, I didn´t want him to see that since I would feel unwell.

But the reason I mention this is because I remember I was thinking to get us out from the room so I didn´t have to experience this bad feeling, but now I don´t know where this bad feeling comes from in the first place. Is it the one from the childhood or something else? because the bad feeling had to come from somewhere. After this it got worse and after the years went by until to today, with all my abusers, the trauma has only gotten worse. It´s more terrible today than it was the first time when I got to leave the room with my boyfriend.

And I did have at age 18 an sexual abusive episode were a boy forced himself on me, he was kind a boyfriend, but didn´t know him that well. He did things to me sexually, which I would today call rape by force and threats. He was violent once against me too.

Can anything of this connect to such a trauma as I have with this tv? I don´t understand that it can, why not fear of being raped and things, but tv??? and magazines, everywhere there is nudity is bad, sometimes the beach too.

I do know I do better at some level, before I had some problems just seeing certain people on tv, but that don´t bother me today, so today I see that was an unnecessary fear. But some nudity or total nudity is still horrible and it doesn´t go away. I really can´t get to find the reason why I think like I do except for that the thoughts were given by my first boyfriend (mentioned baywatch) and then it started. I didn´t think like this before I was given the thought, a light went up for me and I saw it was true how much better they were, so it became true in some way. I know it´s not exactly true today, but it bothers me enough to have trauma. This nudity. I feel like I´m not like them you know, so I´m not the best in my boyfriends eyes and then I´m not the best for him and that is horrible feeling. But I can not find the right word to describe what it is that feels so bad about it execpt for what I have told, when it happens the images gets so strong its hard to think, I just feel for running away.

And Allan, if this isn´t PTSD, would you have a another name for it? because it is so traumatic when it happends.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi sadgreeneyes,

You have been through a lot of horrible experiences in your life . In my opinion this seems to me, your having panic attacks, or anxiety attacks . both are horrible to have to go through .

I strongly urge you seek professional help. therapy will give you a better understanding as to what is going on with yourself, and help you work through these issues .

I so sorry you have been going through this . Mental health professionals can help you feel better , and help you understand these fears and emotions you are going through.

I also suffer from PTSD, I hope you can get the help , so you can feel better.

Edited by mscat
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi sadgreeneyes,

You have been through a lot of horrible experiences in your life . In my opinion this seems to me, your having panic attacks, or anxiety attacks . both are horrible to have to go through .

I strongly urge you seek professional help. therapy will give you a better understanding as to what is going on with yourself, and help you work through these issues .

I so sorry you have been going through this . Mental health professionals can help you feel better , and help you understand these fears and emotions you are going through.

I also suffer from PTSD, I hope you can get the help , so you can feel better.

Hi mscat,

thanks so much for advice and support, I´m sorry to hear you suffer from ptsd too, I know that is very difficult to deal with.

I wish to know what is going on with me, why I have these attacks, where they come from or how they got there. I hope therapy will help me and that it doesn´t cost to much. One woman I went to took too much for one lesson so I didn´t have afford to continue, but there might be other alternatives for me, I will check it out. I just hope no one will laugh of me concerning this nudity because it is so embarrassing. Hope to find a professional woman who knows to go deep into the problems.

For me it is very hard to understand how others don´t find this nudity a problem, so I guess there must be something with me that makes this nudity ten times worse than it is. For me it is a threat to my well being, to be safe and loved and I don´t know why.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Allan,

maybe I misunderstand your sentence that I fear intimacy, or maybe I wrote a little bit unclear. I´m not afraid of intimacy with a man, but I´m afraid of going into a relationship because I know that I will be exposed to trauma. And that will cause problems in the relationship. But you are right I fear relationships because of it, maybe that is what you mean.

I think a man would not be there for me if he found out. And I don´t want him to find out because it is so embarrassing.

I know the world is evil, we see that all around,and nudity is one of the problems in media, at least for me and many others. But not to the extend of having trauma of course. I know I can´t live in a dream world. I hope there will be light in the tunnel so I can be ready to be in a relationship again. The thing is that I can not be happy in a relationship because of my trauma because I think I´m not loved by my partner if he see this nudity.

And I don´t know why.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...