the kid is her life litterly

[roamer2]

i have a friend much like my ex that has a 20 year old son (what a coincidence) she is totally dependent on his opinion, mood, and feelings. she says he is her responsibility he is the child and she is the adult there for her world. she lives where he says does what he wants and hasent dated in 2 years because he dont like the idea of his mom being with someone in that way (sexually). she gives him what ever he asks for and viciously defends her relationship with him and him also. she will quit doing anything he disapproves of allows him to treat her like dirt and will look at you holding back tears and say its ok he's my life.

i have known her 12 years she seemed normal enough the last time i saw her 4 years ago during her divorce from his step dad. it absolutely shocked me. that and the fact that my ex was the same way have me wondering how often this happens and what is it called? both women are suffering severely and refuse to let go and live there lives. its like they crave something from there kid and both are an only kid and 20 years old in collage spoiled rotten more money than what they know what to do with and there moms gave every dime they had and are having hardship as a result. im stunned now that i have seen this up close. is it a traumatic event that causes this? what in the world is wrong with these women?

[SweetSue]

What is it called ?

Quite simply a momas' love.

All momas (well the good ones) will do anything and everything for their child or children. Often sacrificing there own needs. Coz thats what good momas' do.

Children should always come first, no matter what, and with no exception.

OK, the kids are like in there 20s or late teens, but they are still children in their momas' eyes.

Maybe this could be seen as extreme to some, but to others this is perfectly understandable. Maybe a bit of overprotectiveness is occuring, but hey at least the momas care for their child/children.

Does there have to be something wrong with these women ???

Is it not normal to want your children to be happy and do whatever you can for them.?

(ok, yep Im a tad over protective of my kids, but you know I dont think that is a bad thing at all, ooops Im also in a p/hospital again. But A momas' love, that i certainly have, and do you know what else, my 4 kids are my life, literally....... and im damn proud of it, and them.)

Edited October 30, 2009 by SweetSue

[hermia]

Hi Roamer.....what jessicajane said hits the nail on the head. They're mothers. Period. Being of the maternal persuasion, i can tell you nothing compares to that sort of love. Maternal love is about the most basic, pure, unconditional kind of love there is. I guess that's why all the psychiatrists want to know how your relationship with your mother was...lol It's instinct. Continuation of the species. Protect the brood at any cost. I would imagine the only other instinct that may be stronger is self preservation. I'm guessing your friend doesn't feel her sense of self is threatened by her instinct to do for her child.

I do understand society draws a line betwen what they see as healthy and what they see as unhealthy (i'm not talking about blatantly sick behaviors) but as a society we tend to be "individual" focussed,for the most part, in my opinion. I think we create our "norms" based more on the individual rather than the species.

I'm probably not making a whole lot of sense here, sorry. But i gotta ask...why are you concerned if the mom is happy in her role?

hermia

[David O]

Good morning Roamer, Jj and hermia (Hermia from Mid-Summer Nights Dream?),

This is an age-old "conflict" between how men and women view parenting. Men tend to (not always) view themselves in a more disciplinarian role whereas mothers as nurturers. This conflict played out in my 1st marriage (and on occasion on my second), where I viewed my wife's behavior as indulging and enabling, and denying our children the right to the consequences of their behavior. She viewed me as authoritative/authoritarian and excessively strict and demanding.

I've also seen these scenarios played out in family after family after family who've come in for therapy or couples therapy. The pattern is very consistent. Over the years, I've seen permissive parents, helicopter/hovering parents, indulgent parents, authoritarian and authoritative parents, negligent parents, inconsistent parents, abusive and violent parents, and a whole list of other types. On rare occasion, the spouses agree on how best to manage and raise the children and maintain a consistent approach.

Whichever way we all parent, life will make the corrective alignments if our children are to be successful emotionally, spiritually and financially. One lesson I have learned is that if you're not the parent, be most aware and respectful of the boundaries and dynamics that already exist in the home. To break in (w/o being invited), with one's views and try to make changes is to invite a boot in the butt and an "out the door you go!" response.

Nonetheless, this relationship has fairly high toxic qualities-- the parent is "doing her child no favors" as she is not teaching him self responsibility, accountability, and self regulation. In addition, what you describe looks very much like a co-dependent relationship (this is not how love works) where he has learned to manipulate, control and pressure mom into not being a responsible parent, and she has been a complicit partner. I strongly believe parenting has 2 sides: a loving, nurturing, affectionate side, and a judicious, disciplining side that teaches responsibility, self management, social awareness and social responsibility. To only fulfill one side is to do your child a terrible disservice and release them into the world with a handicap.

In this setting, if we look 20 years down the road, what type of an adult will emerge from this parenting style should it remain consistent? This is the best test of how effective and loving a parent is in raising their children.

David

Edited October 31, 2009 by David O

[roamer2]

thank you. in both relationships the women are not happy and cause multiple hardships on them selves. these "kids" are 20 years old and rule every aspect of there parents life. i dident try to change that its not my place but i got the boot anyway. i have seen very closely adult kids completely bankrupt a parent because they lack the ability to take care of themselves they were not allowed to learn and mature because of the very behavior i mentioned.

for example my aunt has a 30 year old daughter that has 4 kids of her own. my aunt has those kids now because her daughter acts like a 3 year old most of the time. she has double the income of my aunt and still demands and gets money all the time. she constantly takes all kinds of items from the house runns off with the vehicles and refuses to take her kids. she out right believes shes owed that because shes the "child" and her mom is responsible for her needs and wants.

she was sheltered like i had mentioned in my first post. thats why im curious to know if there is a name for it.

loveing a child means being responsible to them by letting them learn the skills that they need for life. in all of nature it shows this. its even talked about in religious literature. self preservation is almost none existent. that is not healthy for anyone. i can say that i want no part of a 30 year old "child" bankrupting me or trying to run my life just because there mom dident prepare them for life because of "the way they love as a mom" and david i agree that is not love its sick. harmful to anyone involved. including the "child"