"TRIGGER" worried that s/i just isnt enough ~ this time

[SweetSue]

it dosnt matter anymore, if i knew how to take this post of mine down i would

Edited November 2, 2009 by SweetSue
DMA ~ hey hum

[Donna]

hey sue

i didnt get to see your post, are you ok?

take care, donna.

[mscat]

Hi Sue,

I think it matters.... Because you matter . your not sounding good at all. I am so sorry . When your ready , can you come back ? I know how hard it can be to fight off the urges . I am so concerned about you.

Cathy

[azcu2005]

I will keep praying for you Sue... i do almost every day.

brother bill

<link removed>

Edited March 2, 2011 by malign
Link removed

[SweetSue]

thanks for all the replies

and for your words

but its ok,

and well it dosnt matter, coz its not important , and just coz im not coping i dont want to look a bigger freak than i already am, im just stupid and im sorry ok. i really just have to curl up and be nothing sorry

[Donna]

Sue,

It does matter, It is important and you're certainly not stupid a freak or a nothing! you're far from that.

I dont really know what more to say, but im thinking about you and hoping you'll get through this bad spell very very quickly.

Take care and try to get some rest

Donna xxx

[SweetSue]

this is going to sound really stupid ok, but i guess i cant look anymore idiotic than i already do. dont really know how to explain how i am feeling, i know im gonna really screw up soon, and i know that once i do then im gonna feal overwhelmed with guilt and dissapointment in myself, but i can feel it building up till it just caves and i cant fight it anymore. scheming and planning away and that is just stupid, but you would thingk that would stop me right ~ but does it heck as like. just biding my time till all is right ane then i know i wont be able to stop myself, even though i know that the consequences of my actions will only hinder myself and cost me dearly, its like its all just spiralling and leading up to that point of no return when the urge is just too tempting to resist. ok. so this dont make sense but then no part of my so called life does make sense and which ever way i look at it what happens happens and that is just that. im pathetic and hopeless right now and the worlds greatest of scientists wouldnt have a clue how to help me right now, coz it all seems over anyway

[mscat]

Sue,

It makes sense to me, However, the being pathetic and hopeless , YOU ARE NOT!!! Please, get that out of your mind ok !

I do understand the urges , and how difficult it is not to give into them, and waitingfor the right time . However, PLease, please , please think about how much you have to lose by hurting yourself. Because their is so much more to lose . This is totally not worth it , hun. Please , totally not worth it.

PLease use distraction , and get yourself busy with other activites , taking your mind off Harming yourself COMPLETELY . Even writing about it, if this helps you at all.

Do you have other coping alternatives? Ways that you can turn to that are healthy? You can't hurt yourself , because their is too much at stake for you , too much for you to lose. Lose fr yourself and think for your babies sake. This is your ultimate goal right? If not for yourself , than do it for them, stay strong for your little children, because they need their mommy .OK !!!

You can fight this , and You are a survivor.

SUE , you are brave, and strong, and DO NOT WANT TO go back in to that hospital either, it does matter, and people do care about you.

cathy

[SweetSue]

Cathy I haave been back in hospital since last friday hun, thought you knew. Thanks for the advicce hun, unfortunately, I already did what I had planned, thats why I got transfered to another hospital early hours tuesday morning.

So yep, I screwed up. not particulary proud of myself right now, as you can imagine.

take care hun

sue

[SweetSue]

OK YOU GUYS "TRIGGER" "TRIGGER" "TRIGGER"

Geez I am so frigging close to "messing" again. Meant to tell the staff when I get like this, but geez I ask you, anybody that is serious about wanting, needing to just let out the bloody evil, are they really gonna grass there self up to a frigging nurse or p/doc. Like it kinda defeats the objective there surely.

Kinda like when I have to tell staff when I am at most risk of suicide, like yeah ok, thats gonna happen. Coz when I get that bad, well quite honestly the last thing on my mind is hanging around for the flipping p/doc to get his/her permision. Yep thats soo gonna happen !!! NOT.

If you are a p/doc or a nurse and your reading this, surely you must have a inkling of understanding where I am coming from. Right ?

Sorry think Im just that angry at the mo my evil is just boiling over and out of control. Bad nighht for dreams seriously scarey shitty night I hate remembering need to stop myself scheming and planning but I cant its impossible, and stupid, coz Im only making things worse for myself if aI cave again. I am so loosing all control again and just need to find a way to switch off. have to atleast try and stop, so sue just STOP !!!