Reflecting On The Little Boy

[Guest GingerSnap]

This morning on my walk, I was thinking of my son who is in Afghanistan and remembering him when he was little, which I often do as I miss him so much and am concerned for his well-being every waking minute and I wanted to share this with other parents. When my son was 4 years old, I divorced his father who was abusive to him. My ex-husband used to make promises to him about visiting on Saturday morning and then he didn't show up. Sometimes my sweet little 4 year old stood by the window watching for him for four hours. I would tell him that it looked like his dad wasn't coming and he would stubbornly say "He's coming. He said he would come." Usually, if he came it was an hour or two late. As time went by, his dad came to pick him up and my little boy said "I don't want to go with you." as he left the room. I, of course, got blamed for this but it was not my fault, I was not the one that made and broke promises and kept a sweet little boy waiting for four hours at the window. My ex-husband never paid child support and everyone encouraged me to not allow my son to see him yet that would have been wrong. Eventually, my ex-husband lost interest in his son but my ex-husband's parents still wanted to see the sweet little boy so we would put him on the Greyhound bus behind the driver for the one hour trip to Grandma & Grandpa. Everyone thought I should just wait until my sweet little boy was an adult and then he could see them on his own. By the time my son was an adult, both grandparents had passed away. I can't believe how so many parents end up treating and depriving their children just to get even with the ex-spouse as I see it all the time. This is just food for thought.

[David O]

Good morning Ginger,

Thanks so much for sharing this story. I've not seen my son but once in a year. He's not in harm's way as yours is, so I have fewer worries. By the way, thanks a million also for what he is doing over there.

I remember when Benjamen was 6 years old and one day, while I was sitting outside at the bottom of the walkway up to our house, he ran by and ran off about 50 yards. He suddenly stopped and came back to stand next to me. He began to tap my on the head repeatedly, so I asked in Spanish "Que paso mijo... que piensas (Whatz-up!)?" he then blurted out" Si papa... yep dad, I made you who you are, yep, i sure did!" then he rushed off. I as stunned by the wisdom and have never forgotten that among other moments of unbelievable wisdom.

Now, today and almost every day, I cry b/c I miss him. I do this alone, when I drive from place to place, when I hear a song we used to sing or listen to together, when I see his room or something he left that reminds me of him. My heart so hurts as there is this hole within me. And even now, as I'm writing this, my eyes are wet and I can feel that lump in my throat.

Soon my daughter will be off to college and I'll be in twice the pain. My wife is the most beautiful, interesting, loving, soulful, intelligent and wonderful human I could ever have married... and yet, she cannot replace or lessen the pain associated with not seeing Ben.

Ginger, I have no biological family, no father or mother, never had them. No sisters or brothers. Too much of my "family" died in the migration to the US and the return home. So Benjamen is the first "biological connection" I have and b/c of this, I became a hovering, neurotic, overly attached (but not smothering or intrusive) parent.

This is a very sad (but grateful) thank you Ginger,

David

[Donna]

Im really sorry to hear that David i cant imagine how it must feel, am lucky my children dont live with me which is heartbreaking and difficult for me to deal with at times but i do get to see them regularly.

I couldnt agree more with you gingersnap..in fact it's a subject close to my heart.

i've seen so many people do that and it's so wrong, it's cruel to both the children and the relatives, but it can go both ways.

My children live with their dad now unfortunately but before that he refused to see them for almost two years and it broke their hearts,though i was lucky they never blamed me, originally i made up silly excuses for him but that wasnt doing them any favours and eventually when they asked i told them the truth and said i didnt know why daddy didnt come anymore.

His dad and stepmum stayed in touch which people criticised me for but i felt it was wrong that they should lose out, they are a rough family and not ideal which is why people criticised me but they cared about my children and looked after them properly,their grandchildren cared about them and to me that was the most important thing.

I did after a while put a caveat on it, i asked their grandparents not to bring them into contact with their dad, because he was unreliable and after almost 8 months of contacting him through my solicitors he was still saying he didnt want to see them..this was only because he was seeing a girl at the other side of the country and just didnt have the time.

But then i was criticised for putting that caveat on it, i simply tried to do the best for my children and i dont regret what i did for one minute, the only regret i do have is that they are back with their dad but that is only because he doesnt care for them properly he really doesnt know how to, he is more interested in letting them run free while he drinks. eats takeaways and favours his cousin cum girlfriends children, the lifestyle they have is not a good one and they're not happy there and want to be with me.

If they were still living with me i would not allow contact with their father until they were of an age to decide for themselves.

I believe that i would be doing the right thing ,It wouldnt be because i dont like him or have a grudge, i would do it because he would be a very unstable influence in their lives, he has a son to the g/f he had before he met me..he saw him twice when he was two then around 6 times when he was 11, that son is now 15 and has not seen him since then.

The only reason my children are with him now and he has actually admitted when he was drunk and pssed off it is because of the social security benefits and that he was able to get his own council house which s/services rranged for him,as a single working man he didnt qualify for a council house and he had to work.

In a long roundabout way what im trying to say is the same as you that people should go by whats best for their children not themselves, i can never understand it when they dont. Children of divorced/seperated parents suffer enough without being involved in a tug of war.

Edited November 11, 2009 by Donna

[notmary]

I am thinking of your son and all the brave men an women who are protecting us. The love I feel toward my sons and then imagining them away from me is overwhelming. I pray for his safety and I hope that you find comfort in thinking about him.

[SweetSue]

Hi Cathy,

You must be very proud of your son, my heart goes out to you, my son Toby is 4 and well I cant imagine him ever going into war. I wish for him safe return to you.

I have fought long and hard through the courts, to stop any form of contact between my 4 children and their papa, and his family. And you know it wasnt done through spite, or as some kind of sick revenge, coz our relationship (thankfully) ended. I spent 2 years in the courts to protect my children from him. To keep them safe, and try and give them a stable home life away from him. But then their papa is a violent arrogant person whos values belong in the 1700's.

People may think that this action that I took is in someway harsh, but seriously sometimes this is for the best and safest way for my childrens future safety and happiness.

My children are aware of there papa, and I never did bad mouth him infront of my children or say anything disrespectful about him,(except in court, they kinda have to know the truth) because that would be harming my babies as they are as much part of him as me.

I think all that I am trying to say is, sometimes not everything is as clear cut as it seems to on lookers, and yes I am sure it is possible that some ex partners use there children as trophies, but it is not always the case.

My children are wonderful, adorable and angels, and when they are old enough or when the courts deem it is safe enough for my children to have any form of contact with their papa and his family, then it will happen. But until that day comes, I will quite happily provide all the love, support and nurturing that my children need. And be thankful that we are all safe from harm.

[Guest GingerSnap]

Jj: I totally agree that not all children should have exposure to a parent, just because they are a parent. I kept a tight leash on my ex-husband and the activities that he did with my son and the amount of time that he spent with him. The grandparents were truly good people, they had 10 kids, and I managed to get the black sheep of the family for a husband. I swear I see so many kids that no one seems to want or at least that is the way they treat them. In your case, you fought to do the right thing for your kids and that is what it is all about, doing the right thing for your kids.