There's no heartbeat...

[Jetliner]

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Edited November 1, 2010 by Jetliner
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[SweetSue]

Im sorry for your sad loss John, my heart goes out to you and your wife,

please take care

sue

[lacyjay87]

John,

I cannot imagine what a horrific ordeal you went through. All I know is that even though you had no one to comfort you I want you to know that God was there cradling you in his arms the whole time; I know it must seem hard to believe, but it is so true. I only hope that as time goes on your heart can heal. God is still with you John and will remain with you forever. Use God as your shoulder to cry on, use God as your sign of hope and use God as your healing touch. I only wish there was something more for me to do or to say to you to comfort you and embrace you in feelings of love and peace, but what I can’t do for you God can, call on him often and he will carry you.

[Donna]

John,

Im sorry didnt see this post before.

i am so sorry that this had to happen to you and your wfe.

Fairly recently my son and his g/f lost a baby, yes they are very young and already have a baby but that still doesnt take the pain away, and i saw how my son was pushed to one side whle all the sympathy and care went to his g/f and i saw how much that hurt him because it was his baby too and he felt the loss just as much as his g/f did.

Unfortunately people automatically assume that only the mother hurts because she is the one carrying the baby ...ok i dont really know where im going with this sorry except to say i feel for you and understand that it hurt you just as much as it did your wife and i wish people had recognised that and could have offered you a bit more support.

[Guest existindeath]

Jetliner,

One can not truly grasp the intense emotional feelings of such a loss... till it happens to them personally. Though you have managed to express it so well that an understanding can be contemplated.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you both. I've often thought that men were unfairly viewed in such situations as if they had no emotions or attachments. It is not only that woman grieve but also that men do. Consoling both of you at that time would have been the ideal; though many can relate to a mother's loss often a father's bereavement is overlooked in a miscarriage.

It is unfortunate that your friendship had ended along with your support thus the waited call did not come. There are so many people who have shared such experiences some more agonizing then others. However painful that was you managed to see past it. While yes it was a tragedy you have been blessed with another child. Often we can't see the reason why but trust that there must be something good to be gained or learned. Yes I do believe in God and his wisdom and power... it would be foolish not to look for him at such times. He is the pillar of strength that helps you endure if you can't find it on your own.

[Jetliner]

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Edited November 1, 2010 by Jetliner
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[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi John,

I am also so sorry to hear this terrible story. I have one of my own that I learned of when I was a child. I was supposed to be the third child in the family. I have an older brother. However, my mother carried and gave birth to a very health and happy baby girl before I was born a few years later. What happened was that the nurse evidently dropped the baby by accident. Because of the way the baby fell, it hit its head and died in a few hours.

I know that my mother never got over that loss. She fully accepted me and my brother but it was something that was always in the backgroun in the form of, "What if?"

Who knows why these things happen? The only thing to be said is that they do happen and they leave deep scars. Sometimes others understand and sometimes they just do not.

Life is precious. Enjoy the family you do have even as you struggle with the terrible feeling of loss and ask yourself, "What if?"

Allan

[Jetliner]

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Edited November 1, 2010 by Jetliner
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[IrmaJean]

Allan, that is heartbreaking!

Jetliner, . The loss of young life is always so very painful because it really feels like a loss of potential.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

[KatieDid]

I know I'm still a junior member, but I wanted to share my story so you know that I understand.

August 13, 2008 I woke up to the most horrendous pain I could imagine. It felt like my insides where being ripped out. I went to the ER only to discover that I was 8 weeks pregnant and having a miscarriage.

We had no idea I was pregnant, and now I was loosing it.

Afterwards my husband got all the sympathy while people said things like "He would make such a great dad. Give him another chance." or "At least you still ave your dog."

The whole thing was horrible.

A year later I was pregnant again. Both my husband and I are over 40 and we both have genetic issues so we were trying to hold off on excitment. We planned on starting to prepare for the baby if we made it to the second trimester.

I got my first ultrasound at 12 weeks and the baby measured 6 weeks with a strong heartbeat. We were concerned so I went back two weeks later to see if there was a difference.

My appointment was on my birthday.

The baby measured 7 weeks with no heartbeat and my doctor went on vacation that day, leaving me alone for two weeks.

I'm an emotionally detached person anyway, so it was easy to act normal in public. This time I got comments like "You didn't want a baby anyway." or "It's for the best. You might look young but you're still old." and my personal favorite "How many times are your going to do this?"

My husband got hugs and well wishes and suggestions to adopt.

I ended up having to have a D&C and I have my tubes tied as well. When people found out about that I got comments like "How could you do that to your husband?"

People think I don't care because I wasn't screaming and crying 24/7. I was trying to cope and get on with life as best I could, and that made me a monster. My husband went back to work and was seen as a hero for facing life again so soon.

I didn't even get a miscarriage book. That would have helped a lot.

Death (especially the death of a baby) really brings out the worst in people. It really sucks getting excluded from the sympathy. My due date is in 2 weeks and now people don't even remember I was pregnant.

[notmary]

Dear Katydid,

Your story brought tears to my eyes and rememberences of the worst grief I ever experienced. I am very sorry for your loss of both of your babies as well as your loss of being able to bear children. I can only imagine the combination of all three horrors.

I had lost my dad, a sister, a good friend, and beloved uncles all of which broke my heart. But the loss of my child at 17 weeks gestation shattered my heart.

Miscarriage is the strangest experience. The world doesn't see the devestation and you are left alone. I have a terrific husband and great friends, but the only people who understood this were other women who had been through it. My husband's grief was so different than mine. I certainly don't minimize his loss but it was very different.

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this right now. The anticipation of the due date was horrible. One thing that helped me was acknowledging that date by bringing flowers to a statue at our local cemetary called "Rachel Mourning." It is a statue to honor all children lost before or after birth. I also bought some baby items and gave them to a local agency that helps newborns in need. Although in some respects it was very painful, it also helped me feel hope for the future. Is there something that you could do that might bring you some comfort? Are you able to share this with your husband or someone else close to you? If you don't have someone, is there a miscarriage support group available to you? I will be thinking of you and again I offer my deepest sympathy and understanding.

[Jetliner]

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Edited November 1, 2010 by Jetliner
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[seaj]

Dear God Allan, I'm so sorry! Can't even imagine and...

I'm sorry, I'm still holding my mouth after reading that - there's... There are no words.

I'm so sorry John to read what you and your partner went through, but also that the aftermath was not an experience you got to share with your partner; that you were in so many ways left out. Sometimes it's terrible that horrible things have to happen for you to learn or become the person you're meant to be (and sorry that's just how I see it). I'm glad, it seems, you found out the gender of your child.

I have a childhood story, like Allan had that can only attest that horrible things happen for a reason, and God chooses to take some people early. My mother just wanted a son and a daughter and as luck would have it, she had a son, then a daughter the next year (full term). When Samantha was born she survived about 5 minutes. My Dad saw her and refused to let my mother as did my doctor. She was born too deformed to maintain life. To this day, 34 yrs later, it still breaks my mothers heart. But my father isn't left out of the suffering. She wanted to try again for a girl though and had my next brother. She was only willing to get pregnant one more time. Accidently did on her birthday (my conception date - something special in that) and I was born. Had she not lost Sam, I would never have existed in this world and it's allowed me to see how precious the world is because a child died to allow me into it. And my doctor, that delivered all of us, still gives me the most comforting looks whenever I see him (frequently).

There was a plan for my family and that was it. I'm no less certain there was a plan for you that involved a lot of heartache and neglect, but it brought you to who and where you are now and I have to believe you're exactly where you were always meant to be. I'm just sorry that the path has had to be like it has been - so terribly painful and lonely with that pain too often it sounds like.

Edited December 3, 2009 by seaj

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Everyone,

I believe what is happening here is terrific. Everyone is coming together in providing mutual warmth, understanding, emotional support and mutual sharing in grief, both past and present.

As you all know, none of us get through life without experiencing losses. The longer you live the more it happens.

Yet, I believe that is the reason for celebrating life. For example, a good friend of mine, a clinical psychologist, talks about the losses of important and loved people in his life. He told me something that made a deep impression on me and I want to share it: He said, "Allan, these people are alive in my mind."

That was profound even though it was short. He remembers them, thinks of them, pictures them and has them with him inside of himself always. I feel the same.

I hope this helps.

Allan

[Jetliner]

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Edited November 1, 2010 by Jetliner
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[seaj]

Hi Everyone,

I believe what is happening here is terrific. Everyone is coming together in providing mutual warmth, understanding, emotional support and mutual sharing in grief, both past and present.

As you all know, none of us get through life without experiencing losses. The longer you live the more it happens.

Yet, I believe that is the reason for celebrating life. For example, a good friend of mine, a clinical psychologist, talks about the losses of important and loved people in his life. He told me something that made a deep impression on me and I want to share it: He said, "Allan, these people are alive in my mind."

That was profound even though it was short. He remembers them, thinks of them, pictures them and has them with him inside of himself always. I feel the same.

I hope this helps.

Allan

Thanks for sharing that Allan - I wish I could teach it to my doctor. Losing people, well patients really tear him up. His words, he says it takes a part of (his) soul. But I guess that’s a different form, like your friend said, of keeping someone inside always.

I thought I'd share with you what I've done and am getting done to give tribute in my way to the many loved ones I've lost and the ones still with me. First I have an infinity tattoo on the top of my left wrist that I got for myself when I stopped self/h after 2yrs of no harming, after many years of such (which went on to 4yrs, and despite one slip up more recently, my psychologist simply doesn’t think it means I lose the 4yrs I’ve put in; I like that concept I’ll go with it but at times think she’s wrong). I thought an infinity symbol would be common but it wasn't and they even used my own drawing it was so foreign for them to draw. I had a photo I could've shared but my hard drive with all personal files was wiped earlier this year . But when I get my iphone lead back I should take another photo. ** sorry I went off track.

On the subject of loss though, for over a year my grandmother has been being told she has little time left and the fight never leaves her and she's still here (very unwell, but still here), so I thought that tattoo that compliments that one, that I was going to get when she passed, I figure I may as well get while I still have her around (and in the interim irony struck and sadly I lost my Pop). I really want a special looking heart on the inside of my right wrist. I hadn't gone to get it yet 'cause I could only come up with an outline to represent the people I've loved and lost who I see as angels who protect the people I love who are still alive, who fill the inside of the heart; protected by and taken care of those who passed wrapped up in a heart outline like a big hug. So a very simple tattoo, but a big price for a minimum though, so I considered how I could make it more than just a mere outline. People have encouraged me to go all out with style and colour and what not, but I don’t want bells & whistles, I want it for something really special.

After reading this thread the other night an idea just popped into my head. I must thank you for that Jetliner. I haven’t been able to figure how to design this so I could have it done for so long now. Some gaudy, well garish ideas had been thrown at me and till then nothing could beat the simplicity of an outline (not in red). And the reason on the inside of my right wrist is so I can put my left wrist to my heart and my infinity points out, then put my right wrist over and have them touch and have it feel like a big hug letting me know that love is infinite and never ends because a life ends. And also that all will be okay, I’m loved, looked out for, taken care of, never alone and also that the people in my life I still treasure are safe and watched over as well. In essence it’s an infinite feeling of unconditional love and gentle angel guidance. And this may sound dumb, but I didn’t want to pay $50 for an inch by inch (not even that, half an inch really) outline of a heart because something was missing; till I read this thread.

Then it popped into my mind for it to be larger and to have a little dove drawn inside with a tail winding its way to connecting with the heart outline. To give the notion that people we’ve lost can still connect and give us a positive impact & it may be when we might just need it, even if it’s ‘just’ to send a little dove of peace (i.e. being because doves usually stand for peace). But just to show the link from inside to the outer heart and vice versa. And that bond that no-one can take from you and is inherent to loss, even in the throes of grief that bond is permanent and as life moves on and things look up, that bond is your own little treasure as life, impatient thing that it is, continues to forge ahead.

So thank you so much for inspiring me in a time of current grief to figure out just how I wanted to honour the people in my life I love and those I've loved and lost. I'd hit a wall and didn't think I'd ever find anything I liked but the way you wrote what you did, with such respect and understanding for people who didn't give it to your obvious immense connection with your wife and child and then being left out at Church I just envisioned white doves being about flying away as you walked away on your own because nobody was caring about how you were being impacted (not knowing any better, it not occuring to them). Your sense of anger at the situation and not as much at the people showed such beautiful understanding, especially at such a time for you. Forcing you to find your own inner peace and what you went through and how you managed to figure a way to handle it just brought the sensation of doves for me because you had that hardest task of them all, findest peace all on your own.

Thank you for sharing what you went through with us. I do hope it helped you, even maybe a little. I can see you one day witnessing one person being comforted (for whatever it is) and the other left by the way side and you often your ear. And give that person the understanding so few other people could.

Take good care. {{{{{{{{{{John}}}}}}}}}}