its ok, to be me, isnt it ?

[SweetSue]

You know Ive, spent too long dwelling, too long hopeing, and way too much time effort and energy trying to change who and what I am, and how I feel just so that people back the heck off and leave me alone and stop judging me.

Why cant things be different, well, like der, things are just what they are.

The thing is, I just want to be left alone, need to be allowed to be the way I am and the person that I have become. OK, so I dont particulary like me and the way my world revolves, but thats all cool I can accept that things are never going to be different my voices and hallucinations, the so called psychosis. Whatever its part of me, if I decide that its for the best that I just dont want to be Hospitalised or be on medication anymore then surely that should be my choice and mine alone. Not something that is forced upon me.

Sometimes things are just meant to be, I hate being assessed, people telling me how I should feel, anaylised (cant spell that word) evaluated, I feel like a lab rat. Often treated as one. I have no privacy or dignity left. It seems everyone has a view on how I should feel, how I should have progressed, what I should be doing, and the ever growing list of medication and therapuetic beliefs that should also be include in my care plan.

And really all I want to do is sleep, turn my back on it all, and be left alone.

This is reaally ungrateful I realise that, but seriously 4 months is a long time, and well I really would just like to be allowed to be me, and left alone to do the things I need and want to do, without having to be watched, judged, encouraged, discouraged, noted and quoted every step of the way.

I just want to be left to my own devices, to be able to do just get on with this whole life thingy, in my own way, and if I mess up and give in, or if I actually defeat all the odds and enjoy myself, it should be my choice, my decision. I want to be me, that should be Ok, shouldnt it ?

Its ok, to be me, I dont mind anymore, coz like it dosnt matter, I need to move on thats all. oK finished whinging now (i think) (until next time)

or maybe not (hey hum)

Surely Hospital care is different for everyone, is it even possible for like hospitals to help all the people all of the time anyway ?

Is it possible that things could actually be how I have come to believe that sometimes being hospitalised is more of a hindrance in the recovery process of a person ?

And that in actual fact the main reason you get commited in the first place becomes one of the main reasons why you remain commited ?

dont worry about replying to this thread coz well its not very productive and well im sorry if you have read it, im just feeling sorry for myself and need to get things out of my head, just being a drama queen ~ sorry :mad:

Edited November 13, 2009 by SweetSue

[JulianP]

deleted....

Edited February 9, 2010 by JulianP

[SweetSue]

hi JP

Appologies, mmm I know its like how I am.. Always been like that, its the only thing that has stayed with me throughout my life. It must be annoying for people, infact Ive been told it is, sorry

Kinda am having a pity party tonight,, but hey any excuse for cake

What would I do if I was allowed to be me again ~ like what woulldnt I do !!!

The person I used to be before the illness took hold and the person time has made me become well, If you look at me then, and me now, well you'd never think we were the same person.

I have no idea really what I would do, I know what I need to do, to get my life onto some form of track.

Just know that I want to be the person I was pre relapse. A single moma to my 4 wonderful babies. Living out our Fairy Tale in safety. And enjoying everything that being a loving family brings...... together.

That was me, caring for my babies, my hole life evolved around them, see they are my heart, all four of them. My happiness and inner glow, was there gift to me. We had a good life together, full of love, happiness and had some reallly marvellous times.

I was always a bit of a Womble around my children, and bought them up with most all things turned into a game. the kiddies have a great sense of humour and I encourage this. there polite and respectful, but seriously some of the antics they gotten themselves into were so very very funny.

So yep I guess after all this rambling the thing I would like most to do is be the person I once was. A moma

take care

Jj

[JulianP]

deleted....

Edited February 9, 2010 by JulianP

[SweetSue]

Hey JP

Dont know if youre still on line but a very big thankyou

Im kinda blubbing like well a blubber right now, but in a good way (can you understand that)

Im one of them wierd veggie types, (you know the ones that dont llike veg either) but thanks for the homemade chicken soup, in some resturaunts (and hospitals) apparently chicken isnt meat so thats kinda cool.

Thanks for taking the time and caring enough to remind me what all this battle of mine is for. I guess very proudly (if somewhat tearfully) I am and always will be a moma.

thanks hun

take care

sue

Edited November 13, 2009 by SweetSue

[JulianP]

deleted....

Edited February 9, 2010 by JulianP

[SweetSue]

Hey JP

Well as a rule I dont really do the food thingy either, (long story) but I have been known to make Chocolate soup

Seriously, Im sure its an aquired taste to some, but I am a chocoholic

take care

sue

Tofu hmm, think Ive heard of that, never liked the sound of it though :eek:

[Guest GingerSnap]

Sue: The reality is, even when one is absolutely right, it is nearly impossible to beat the "system". If you have a ton of money and power, it can be done but otherwise, the government makes the rules and if you don't "please" them...... I am not sure what they are wanting from you and I am sure it is a pain but they have the upper hand in this. Just with my son, I either must do this or must do that or he won't get the services he needs - there are appointments, paperwork, people in our house and it has been this way for over 20 years. I go to meetings where they break the rules and say "Well, Cathy, is this beyond your comfort level?" I want to shove my foot up their butt but instead I say "You were supposed to put all the names on the paperwork for the meeting and there were 3 names there and 9 people here right now" and this meeting was in my house and they were all dressed/perfumed up - my house smelled like a whore house! But, I had no choice but to put up with it. I did file a complaint but you can guess how far that goes. Here in the US, my best bet is always to contact a congress person from my state since it gets them hopping - of course, how popular am I and do I care, no. I hate being jerking around but as a mother to my son, I bear it and do what I can to make changes in the system and make them follow the rules. Oh, and by the way, I'm anti-government! Anti- lots of crap like that! Cathy

[SweetSue]

hey there

Youre so right I have to work the "system", This I realise. Sometimes though I really do think that Im just going round in cirles, like being stuck on a roundabout, coz you cant find the right exit.

I am fed up with "systems", "rules", and "regulations", and I have been really tempted to just stuff everyone and everything lately. Do my own thing. Even tried to discharge myself froom hospital today, like what the heck did I think I was doing ? Discharge myself coz I was grumpy and fed up. Im still in hospital, but through my own choice, half way through the "meeting" with p/doc this morning I realised that I was kidding myself. If I thought that I had let my children down, by abbandoning them into authoritie care, then how bad would I truely feel if, I walked out of hospital today, in more or less the same condition that I was originally admitted. I would of just felt ten times worse, coz in my heart I would of put my babies through all this, for nothing. So I admitted defeat, willingly. I dont want my children growing up ashamed of their moma, and to be perfectly honest I wouldnt last very long in the outside world right now anyway.

I just have to swollow any pride that I thought I had, and work hard to get through this, which I think I will be able to do, dont even think about asking me why, I just kinda know that, whatever happens its gonna be ok. (and no Im not in a hyper or even over medicated, for once) I think I might of just found the way forward a little.

Just feel different today, like calmer, its wierd though coz I dont even know why. But I do know that I dont want to kill myself, or harm myself at the first oppertunity I get, so Im guessing whatever it is thats different today , well it must be a good thing. right....

[malign]

Goodness, Sue, you don't have to swallow any pride over this decision.

You should instead feel pretty good about yourself, because this decision shows how much more clearly you're thinking, right at the moment.

You went into hospital, months ago, because the voices were starting to intrude into your happy family life, and were about to overwhelm you. You wouldn't have been able to care for your children properly in that condition, so you went to find help.

It's true that your experiences since then have been pretty horrific, but the initial goal remains: to get enough help that you can function, not by the system's definition or the p/docs' or even by our definition, but by your own. Don't accept any goal other than that.

[SweetSue]

Too much thinking today, will I ever learn (nope, probably not) the panic attacks have returned with a vengence today.(paper bag city, here I come). Its my own fault though coz I just cant switch off. Its madness. Once a thought has entered my head, it stays there and just grows for like ever. (or atleast it seems that way)

Ventured into the lounge today, coz like I was feeling really brave, (big mistake) kinda forgot it was the weekend, (way too many people). But I stuck it out and made myself sit down on the sofa. The telly was on which was ok coz it was on a music channel, cool , then the adverts, and geez they knocked me for six. Guess its Christmas soon. Too soon.

Normally I love Christmas, but this year just aint gonna be right, and now Im getting myself all worked up coz, well I wont be with my babies, my babies wont be together, and well thats what the season for me has become all about the past 5 years, our family.

So now Im kinda back tracking on any progress that I had made, and getting myself all paniced out and well freaking really. Moma's guilt has kicked in big time and has reopened the rawness that I first felt when I gave my children up into (temporary) foster care. I have let them down so much, missed so much together as a family, and now coz of me my babies are going to be apart on such a magical family day. It sucks

Its just me being selfish really, I know that, and I am sure the kids will still have a good day, (or at least I hope so) but the fact is, i have no say over the matter anyway, and the thought of my kids being all alone, without any family at all, is just eating me up.

Bar Humbug, I so want to just forget about the whole season, but how can I, its everywhere.

This just sucks, and hurts big time :mad:

[Guest existindeath]

Shutting down the ole brain when it is in overdrive is nearly impossible at times... and thinking too much is the culprit. My problem exactly at times as it feels like a million thoughts are bombarding me per second. Though you seem to get caught on one thought and off shoot from there. That does happen in some panic attacks especially if the thought is scary.

Though the paper bag thing never really worked for me. I now have a sheet of "Grounding Skills" kept handy. Though some suggestions are laughable. It does have the "Deep breathing" thing that seems to work better.

Its only natural to feel sad this Christmas because you can't be with your kids. Its the first time this has happened in you life and as such it is understandable. I'm sure your kids will ask where you are and miss your presence. At the same time I know you wish them to have a good Christmas but wonder if they will. Your concern for their happiness and wanting to be with them is nothing short of love and has nothing to do with selfishness on your part.

Its about being a mother and a good one at that.

Now go get some chocolate.

[SweetSue]

OK, just an update really, coz well, I think Im moving forward

Still getting my extreme mood swings, (like no point saying different, kinda obvious) and all the usual carry on. However, things arent anywhere near as bad as they have been, so Im kinda pleased about that. (the sweety shop downstairs not quite so pleased, reckon theve noticed the dramatic drop in there chocolate sales )

Im slowly learning all the various things I need to be able to do, so that I can eventually return home, but Im becoming a little stronger and a little braver with each passing day. I think that I will never be considered "normal" but I will settle for being "stable" and any way things would be soo very boring if we were all the same.

Anyway, Ive had a few reasonably good days on the trot now, (with various highs and lows) so although the small steps were too big for me, pidgeon steps seem to be doing the trick. And aslong as I set myself achievable goals, then there is always a way forward, and I think Im finally realising, that even with all my faults and differences, it is "OK, to be me" :eek:

And I havnt even learnt how to use my magic wand yet !!!! :cool:

[Donna]

Hi Sue,

Thats great to hear! nothing wrong with pidgeon steps, every step forward is a step forward right? however small they might be.

Dont worry about being 'normal' - whats 'normal' supposed to be anyway?? if such a thing even exists.

Just dont go pooping on peoples heads and pecking at dropped chocolate wrappers

Take care

Donna