So much anger I might blow

[notmary]

I have never been an angry person, but latelyas I continue through therapy I feel like I am going to blow. I find myself scratching at my arms, hitting walls, yelling at my children adn husband and fighting the urge to drive into a tree.

[SweetSue]

Hi notmary,

when I get like that, (which I do) its usually a good time to head for the gym. seriously, take up kick boxing or go for a run, excercise for me is the best way I know of letting out some of the anger.

[JulianP]

deleted.....

[notmary]

I have to admit that I am really afraid of being angry. It is so uncomfortable to me and it almost feels like a new feeling. I was never allowed to feel anger and I didn't feel it. or I guess if I felt anything like it I kept it in somehow. Today I talked to my therapist and she suggested the same types of activities. She also strongly encouraged letting it out so that I can feel it and get ridof it. I am afraid of this feeling.

[SweetSue]

Hi notmary

When anger becomes strong and starts to take hold for the first time it is scarey. I went through it a while back. Infact I started a thread here coz of it. I was never able, and to some degrees still have trouble expressing my anger, I kinda usually turn it inwards towards myself, it seems more natural for me to do so. For me its really difficult (at times impossible) for me to aim the anger where it should be directed. Out of habbit I look for reasons to blame myself, then I get angry at myself (not good).

It is scarey notmary, you have to trust this feeling that is new to you, and try to let it out of your system, safely so that it dosnt cause you extra pain. Try maybe writing about why you feel angry, not necessarily on the forum if you dont feel up to sharing it, but for yourself. Write all your frustrations down and everything that is really getting to you and making you angry and upset. proper let yourself go into your written words. Then take it outside crumple it up, place it in a metal bin (or something safe) and burn it.

Ive heard that this helps people, watching there anger go up in smoke is kinda like saying goodbye to some of the pain. Im yet to try that, but its on my list to do, when I get home

I just write and write then tear it into little pieces so no one can see my words. Kinda still keep some of my inner thoughts still private that way till Im ready to share them.

Just thought this may be something else for you to try, aswell as screaming (great idea JP) and excersise

Take care

Jj

[notmary]

I am wondering if I shouldn't quit therapy. I have been depressed for what seems forever, but I get that. I know how to function with that. This rage inside me is so much worse for me. I feel unable to function. I tried going out in the woods and breaking stuff and screaming... frankly I think that I am more screwed up than when I entered therapy. At least then the only person I hated was me... now it seems that I hate everyone...and I still hate me. I am ashamed of who I am.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Notmary,

I agree with JJ and others who are encouraging you to get plenty of exercise. If you have any medical issues, see your physician first in order to get clearance to start an exercise program: jogging, cycling, skating, swimming, etc.

Screaming in the woods will not help. Anger is not your problem as much as how to use it in ways that are constructive.

For instance, it seems to me that you are expressing some frustration with your therapist. I can tell you that as a therapist and with many years of experience, it is very important that you express your anger and frustrations with your therapist to your therapist. That does not mean you have to scream. You need to discuss it, such as, "Gee, Mr. Therapist, I am feeling worse than before, you are no helping,..." Or, however you want to or need to express it. I don't know your issues with this therapist but they need to be expressed in the office.

What do you think???

Allan

[notmary]

Thank you for replying Allan. I don't think that my anger is at my therapist. My anger is at everything and I guess it is related to what is coming up in therapy. Does that make sense?

[JulianP]

deleted.....

[notmary]

Thank you JP

I have read and reread your words about 15 times...I am moved, they feel like a warm blanket being placed around my shoulders. I can't seem to stop crying right now either. Thank you for giving me this.

I am trying to reflect on all that you said. I am not really a good person because I am so angry and I am having such negative thoughts. Those words that you wrote saying differently have me feeling very uncomfortable.

I am heading off to the gym right now to try to sweat some of this out of me. I then will head back to my house where I will try not to damage my family with my anger and then to my classroom where I will try to remain calm, caring and respectful while my insides are clenched in fury.

Thank you again for offering me such kindness.

[JulianP]

deleted.....

[notmary]

Jp, thanks again for another thoughtful reply. I was rereading your note about not having experienced anger. I think that I was always so afraid of anger that I wouldn't allow myself to feel it. NOw that I don't seem able to stop feeling it, it feels like this anger is overwhelming me. I hate this feeling of being out of control. I always try to maintain control... at least the appearance of control. I guess I am just rambling here, but the "memories" (if that is what these really are) that keep resurfacing coupled with this rage at myself...Ughhhh... I don't like me very much

[JulianP]

deleted.....

[notmary]

I want to answer this honestly. I don't know where to begin because I am disgusted with myself. I an angry that I am weak I am angry at me for what happened when I was a child. I hate myself for letting it matter. I hate that I afraid to trust that I am afraid to be me.

[JulianP]

deleted.....

[notmary]

JP

First of all, you are a beautiful writer. I admire people who can express themselves in writing, or orally for that matter. My words seem to be trapped inside me. I want to say or write things, but the fear that is me always stops it from coming out.

I am trying so hard to believe that there might be some goodness in me, but I don't. I read your words and instantly in my head "the voices" start screaming: you are a whore, you are trash, he doesn't know the real you.

I want to be the way people see me...it is so much work hiding the shit that I am.

Thank you for your kindness.

[JulianP]

deleted.....

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Notmary,

JP is doing a good job with you. Thanks JP:)

I agree with JP that you need to speak to your therapist and get your therapist's views on this.

I also am very curious about why you hate yourself so much. I did read about the fact that you think yourself weak, etc. However, people who hate themselves often come from a background of having been raised in an abusive environment. It does not have to have been sexually abusive, but, even in the form of constant criticism from parents and extreme strictness and over-over protectiveness.

What do you think?

Allan

[notmary]

I appreciate you both for trying to help me figure this out. My therapist is aware of some of this. I have to protect myself and I can't let it all out. I guess I am a bit of a control freak.

JP you ask why I hide my true self. No one would want to be near a person like me. I must not let others see me as I am or I will be left alone. My therapist says that the voices in myhead are the voice of the man who hurt me as a child, but to me it sounds like my voice.

Allan I can't say if I was abused. My childhood years from ~ 5-8 are just a jumble of horrific images and chaos and noise. My father died and then my mom got sick. We (brothers and I) were shuttled out and bad things appear to have happened. I am trying to figure this out but I think I am beyond help. I am hopeless

[IrmaJean]

Hello notmary,

I would happily sit by you and see you. I would embrace you and accept you. I'm sure many others would do the same. Sometimes a child, being the center of their own universe, places the blame for everything that happens on themselves. I also think that when traumatizing events occur sometimes the mind remains in the state it was in at the time those events transpired.

Do you feel as if others have left you? Such as when your father passed away? Chaos, no stability or security and the loss of a parent are all huge stressors in and of themselves.

It could be that the false ideas and untruths about yourself were first voiced (either with words or in how you were treated) to you by people from your past, but that you have now come to believe these lies so now they have taken the form of your own voice. Maybe that is what your therapist meant? Have you been able to release any of your anger?

I am struck by your screen name...notmary. I do hope that you value mary for simply being mary.

[notmary]

IrmaJean,

Thank you for your kind words. I am so emotional these days that your words have me hmbled. I would love to believe that people would want to be with me, but I know the truth about me. I think I know what was done to me, what I allowed to happen and probably even encouraged. I know that the "tape" in my head knows what I am and I am working so hard to keep it hidden from everyone.

Being left alone has always been my biggest fear and I do whatever I think is necessary to keep from being abandoned. The strangest thing is that I love being alone, but only for limited times. I get the connection to my daddy's death and my mother's illness... but I can't seem to shake that fear.

As far as the anger, I am trying lots of exercise and deep breathing. I am not sure if it is helping... for the time I am exercising, I can focus and not hear the tape playing in my head and keep the memories that seem to want to invade my life out of my head. But it seems to only be short term.

Why notmary? I will try to come up with an real answer to that. I am not sure why right now.

[IrmaJean]

I would love to believe that people would want to be with me, but I know the truth about me.

You are a person who is worthy of love and acceptance.

I think I know what was done to me, what I allowed to happen and probably even encouraged.

A child could never be at fault for such things. Adults have power over children. A child cannot control the actions of an adult. A child is vulnerable and deserves the freedom of feeling safe and loved. I'm so sorry to hear that anyone you may have trusted hurt you. I'm sorry that you were hurt.

I know that the "tape" in my head knows what I am and I am working so hard to keep it hidden from everyone.

Maybe you can work with your therapist to expose each untruth on the tape one by one. And maybe replace those old untruths with new truths which more accurately reflect the person that you are.

Being left alone has always been my biggest fear and I do whatever I think is necessary to keep from being abandoned. The strangest thing is that I love being alone, but only for limited times. I get the connection to my daddy's death and my mother's illness... but I can't seem to shake that fear.

I understand where you're coming from with this. Sometimes you find yourself feeling old feelings and you know they're old, but it's still hard to shake the fears. I think when something traumatic happens to us as children, the feelings from that time are embedded into our psyche and in many ways become very much a part of how we respond to our experiences in the present. The fact that you are aware of the connection means you've pried them loose a bit. Exploring and understanding them is a place to start. What connection do you make with yourself when you enjoy being alone?

Why notmary? I will try to come up with an real answer to that. I am not sure why right now.

Maybe it is a message from your true self? The thoughts and feelings you have about yourself now don't accurately reflect the person that you truly are. Perhaps your therapist can work with you so you may let go of the "not" and the true mary can find her way out. What do you think?

[notmary]

Thanks IrmaJean,

I don't know what else to say right now but thank you. I keep rereading the posts here and I try to hear your messages as well as my therapist messages. I am too sad, angry, confused to make sense. Forgive me and know that the problem lies with me and what is wrong with me than with your kind words

[IrmaJean]

I know that after a while all of the thinking can make one feel :confused:. And especially with all of the difficult emotions you have been experiencing. Take your time and give yourself some rest. We're here to support you. Take care, notmary.