Not sure if anyone remembers me

[Proverbs31:28]

I have not had Internet access since the beginning of September so I've been MIA. I still don't have Internet but figured out I could access the site using my phone.

Things have been pretty rough lately, especially this past week and I have little to no local support. Besides my own anxiety issues, DS was recently diagnosed with PTSD from medical trauma and is going to therapy. I can't afford 2 copays a week so I haven't been going. He is in CBT for the next 3-4 months so I'm just biding my time.

I have noticed lately that my anxiety/panic attacks are much more easily triggered, especially in public places. I have decided to just hunker down at home and avoid it all. But the isolation, I think, is worsening my depression.

I'm so tired of feeling this way all the time and I'm even more tired of pretending I don't feel this way. As much as I hate being inpatient, I find myself craving the solitude and understanding there. How crazy is that?

Not sure what I need from this post. I guess just a vent and assurance that I'm not alone in this.

[Proverbs31:28]

Or maybe I need to accept that I am alone in this.

[smallstar]

Hi proverbs, I am sorry you are having such a hard time. You're not alone, we are here. I understand wanting solitude, I don't think that's crazy at all. Especially being around people that understand what you are going through, it is comforting to be around people who understand. I hope things improve for you soon.

[malign]

I remembered you, Proverbs; I just wasn't sure you'd remember me. :-)

I noticed that when your panic attacks got worse, your course was to avoid the situation(s) that cause them. That didn't seem to work all that well.

Have you thought of trying to desensitize yourself, by trying those situations, in small doses?

[Proverbs31:28]

Actually, malign, I was doing just that until recently. Then, little by little the fear began invading my thoughts until they became obsessive. Not being in therapy makes it worse I'm sure. I know it's not the best solution but I cannot face the alternative. I can't "let germs be" or hang out in busy crowded placs when I know what will happen. But the first "exposure" sends me back to panic. :-(

[malign]

Well, does talking about your fears help you? How did you break the obsessive loop, before; can that be re-applied without therapy? When it becomes too busy inside your own head, it makes sense to spend some time outside of it. Is that a possibility, to talk to someone, even on the phone, as a way to get out of your own head a litte? At least, you know where to find us. :-)

[Proverbs31:28]

Thanks, malign. That's really why I came back here. I don't have anyone IRL to talk to. I feel completely alone even among friends. Nobody understands me. They don't "get" why I have a panic attack if I'm running late or lost; they don't "get" my phobias or my obsessive worrying. I just feel more and more abnormal around them. But I force myself to comply with most social norms when I'm with other people and that is tiring. And the panic attacks happen and people see it and I feel broken again. I had 4 very public attacks in the last week and I just wanted to run away from everything. So I climbed into bed, pulled up the covers and ignore the world.

[malign]

Did it go away? :-)

That's the difficulty, right there: stupid world doesn't know when to leave a person alone.

Do you "get" why you have panic attacks, sometimes? I often couldn't figure out what caused the few attacks that I've had, and I have managed to "talk" myself past the mild ones that I get. Is the "why" the most important part? What would make them survivable, for you? Isn't that what counts, being able to function despite the anxiety? What were you hoping that your friends would do, when you have an attack?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Proverbs,

Welcome back to the "family." I have missed you. Yes, this is a place where all of us make every effort to understand each other.

What is it that seems to make it so hard for your friends to understand about you? What is it that they don't seem to comprehend?

Allan

[Proverbs31:28]

I think it's a simple matter of not being able to comprehend the cause and effect. Like when I have a panic attack in a situation they consider "normal.". For instance I cannot drive with a police offcer behind me. I lose all sense of control and find a place to pull off so I can collect myself, let the symptoms pass and return to the roadway. I cannot see, hear or even discuss snakes. I will have such severe physical responses that I have actually vomited or passed out. To my friends, it is a severe reaction. Inexplicable I guess. I liken it to my son. He is now dealing with PTSD because he has had multiple choking episodes and multiple respiratory events along with drastic medical interventions. I cannot understand how it makes him feel or truly understand why he panics when he needs a sime x Ray. And it's hard for me to voice things to friends because I don't fully understand myself. I don't always know what will cause a panic attack. So I keep control by avoiding things I know may trigger me as well as situations which have too many variables to control. Example: DD is a gymnast. At meets, the gyms are often cramped, crowded, loud and stuffy. So I get there an hour early , find all the exits and take a seat on and end of a row near an exit. It may not prevent anxiety but it gives me comfort to know I have an escape. So if we are running late, i start to panic. Will I get a seat near an exit? Will I have a chance to get calm and assess the arena before things start? Or will I be stuck with no control at all. Soooo the way I minimize this is get an early headstart. Leave in enough time that if there is an accident, roadwork, detour, etc I will still get there an hour early. It's how I cope. My friends want to leave 10 minutes before. I would never be able to do that! Too many variables.

Don't get me wrong, my friends are great at comforting. But they don't truly understand and can't offer concrete advice past "it will getbetter" or "you worry too much."