Obsessive love syndrome

[emptysoul]

I had no idea where to put this, sorry.

It's been so long since i have been on here

Does anyone here have obsessive love syndrome? How did you overcome it and how are your relationships now that you have overcome it?

I've read up on obsessive love many of times now and it really explains my whole cycle time after time in relationships. I've had these feelings since i was 16. When in a relationship I want to know my partners every move, i call and sms constantly throughout the day, i become jealous of everything, i even get upset when they watch tv or go on the internet. I want to be everything, but at the same time, i just feel like they're thinking of other girls while we're together and they're going behind my back. Everyday just become a argument and a fight until we both usually become suicidal and they cut me off.

I guess my actions do scare guys with telling the truth, so they do lie and go behind my back. It's taken me since i was 16 till now to work this out, now being 23.

It's so hard to control when in relationships and even after the relationship ends, it continues until i find somebody else. It's exhausting and i just want my life back, i want a real relationship that will last. All my friends are living with their boyfriends, engaged or having children and i'm starting to get scared that no one will ever want this with me :'(. My ex's always find girls and treat them so well, yet when they were with me it was so different, my last boyfriend didn't even want photos of me yet he would have photos of other girls everywhere. Recently i did see his myspace and saw his display picture of him and another girl, i feel so hurt by it since he wouldn't have me and him as his display picture.

My ex and myself haven't spoken since May this year, i know it's been awhile but i still want to know what he is doing. My friends tell me i need to stop 'stalking' him, but i never really saw it as stalking, more so as caring. I have smsed, called and emailed him heaps since may 'many of times', but needless to say his ignored all of my communication attempts, ignored my sorrys, my promises and even my attempts at just being friends. His blocked and deleted me on everything and it's driving me insane. I feel like my friends are still talking to him, i use to get paranoid that my housemates were talking to him even though they don't know him. I'd walk the long way to work 'near his work' hoping he'd see me and want to talk to me. I always look out for him when i'm in town, he is all i think about even though i haven't spoken since may. He went to Egypt in may and came back in july, but he didn't tell me he was back, instead he deleted and blocked me on everything and made new accounts under a new name, i found out by snooping his friends pages. I felt so stupid because i was commenting him daily thinking he was just away and we'd be together again when he got back. I wasn't actually sure if it was him or if he was back due to he never told me and his last name is popular. My friend took me to get pizza to cheer me up and i saw my ex so i guess that proved he was back, he didn't speak to me more so just death starred me. But i still haven't stopped trying.

I know what i am doing is wrong, and i'm making a fool of myself, but at the same time i can't stop it, even when i try to stop it. I am obsessed with him, i'd take him back in a second if he said sorry, or even just spoke to me again. I become scary and overwhelming, i don't want to be the crazy girl every guy regrets and laughs about I try so hard to control my moods and my feelings and my thoughts when in relationships so it doesn't go to hell, but i can't, and it's just as hard to control it once the relationship has ended.

I want these feelings to go away, i want a normal relationship and a clear mind. I guess i'm just hoping someone with similar experiences can give me some advice. My doctor gave me a number for a counselor that deals with relationships, family issues and depression, is that a good start? My last counselor told me i had underlying depression and self esteem issues, she never really understood what i was feeling because i wasn't having any progress while seeing her. I want someone who can understand what i am saying, i do tend to just agree with counselors because all they ever say is what i already know 'that it's not healthy' but it never helps as my head is still going to think the same things, it's not that simple for someone to just tell me to think differently i would feel better by now if so. I want someone that can really help.

Please somebody help me, or give advice.

Please don't put me down, i'm not here for that.

Thank you.

[IrmaJean]

Hi emptysoul,

Welcome to the boards. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with aspects of your life right now. I think you'll find much support and encouragement and wisdom here.

I have a few questions. Do you have obsessional thought patterns outside of relationships? When you are displaying this type of behavior, what do you think the motivation behind your behavior is? Also, can you share with us something of your family background?

[seaj]

Hey emptysoul. I think your the first Aussie I've come across in here.

Sorry to say this, but um what you describe sounds how my last ex sort of treated me and the police considered it stalking, so I would be careful.

It sounds like you need to find a way to let go somehow and let them out of your mind, as impossible as I'm sure that sounds.

I can relate a bit. I remember meeting one partner, we didn't leave each others side for 2 weeks on meeting, but it was mutual, we just had to be together. I do recall when I had an affair with someone who was married, I was the one always feeling much like you described. Jealous of anyone who may talk to that person more or get to be with them, even though I knew I was of utmost importance to them, irrational thoughts just wouldn't leave me because I was the other woman, not the one being gone home to at night and I saw this person every day (someone I had to in the role they played in my life).

That person eventually moved to another country and things continued via phone and internet and then I got cut off and it took a therapist to help me learn to let go. Sort of gave me little things to do and then eventually I realised I was worthy of better. In that relationship, by then, I was quite mad so rather obsessive.

I don't know the treatment for overcoming being obsessive, though I know it's a bit like having Borderline, which I have. I can't say I've been to any such extreme since I was very young and didn't know what I had, so I guess I'd ask if you have a therapist to help you learn to get the obsessiveness under control?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Emptysoul,

Welcome back to our community.

What you describe is all too common and that is why you have read so much about it. However, to overcome this you are going to have to look deep inside of yourself. To do that, you should really enter psychotherapy.

I believe you when you state that you want to have a relationship. At the very same time, once a relationship begins, you become jealous and possessive and succeed in driving away the person you love. In other words, you want a loving and lasting relationship but, for some reason, you push people away so that you end up alone.

One question is why do you push the loved one away? This is a complicated question and the answers require psychotherapy. I can give you some hypotheses, but, they are very general:

1. You fear real closeness and intimacy because you do not believe you are worth it. You fear that someone you love will find out how unloveable you are, in your opinion.

2. You fear real closeness because it may represent some type of slavery in which you can be abused and humiliated.

3. You witnessed a lot of domestic violence between your parents during your childhood and fear closeness.

4. Your attachment to people is very, very insecure and you really expect to be abandoned. Then, you act in ways that bring about what you fear.

5. You have been sexually abused, raped and violated dating back to childhood.

6. One of these five are some of them form part of a personality disorder that you may have.

Anyway, these are just some ideas. Did any of this ever happen to you or can you tell us more about yourself?

I know that you want this to change but its not that easy, as you can see. Are you in psychotherapy? What was your childhood like?

Allan

[Symora]

I'm going through a bit of that now as well, that obsessiveness about a partner and I find it fascinating to hear what the reasons are. I do that, push away while desperately feeling like I want. I think I come to a point where I convince myself that I am better without the other person who hurt me a lot. But when I look at it in retrospect I wonder if I just don't get hurt too easily, or anticipate being hurt and then make it happen. But then I also get into relationships with men who are not emotionally available, so it sort of sets me up for a fall as well. It's all very convoluted and that's why I think I get obsessive, I get into complicated situations that put a lot of emotional pressure into the mix...

I think the trick is to understand what healthy self-esteem looks like, and what realistic boudaries are. That has always been grey territory for me...

I truly believe these things can be learned, and you are still so young, there is absolutely a way for you to turn things around ! Know thyself , and therapists are very helpful in making that happen...

Blessings Symora

[seaj]

Boundaries and grey area. Very true Symora.

Was intriguing reading all of the possible reasons Allan, very much so.

When I used to feel like I didn't want to not be with someone I'd think of that movie 28 Days with Sandra Bullock. I remember when they left a rule was they had to go a year or something like that, keeping a plant alive all that time before they considered dating. That scene at the end in the florist's where the gay character is demanding his plant be alive that it has to be.

I don't know if that's a real step in recovering from alcoholism but it makes a lot of sense. If you can't care for a plant for a year how can you expect that you're ready to be a part of a relationship, the sort of thing that can become forever if all goes right and is right.

That movie was the first time I felt less pressure (and not so much from me but just society) to have a significant other that was a partner. It became a relief.