What does healthy self-esteem look like

[IrmaJean]

Yes, I really feel that treating oneself gently is a very good place to start. I used to have a harsh and critical inner voice as well, but not so much anymore. It always seems easier to treat others better than we do ourselves, but we are just as deserving of our own gentle care as anyone else. Don't you think?

Maybe think of the aspects of yourself that you access when you are supporting others here on the site. This caring and empathy for others is one of your gifts. When you are helping others, allow the good feelings that come with it. Let yourself feel your own goodness.

It can be challenging turning black and white thinking into shades of gray, but it really can be done if you are open to it. Practice letting go and giving these other ideas a chance. You might find they are eye-opening once you allow yourself to look. Most of the things my therapist brought up to me in therapy were things I hadn't even considered. I found myself amazed at the new direction my thoughts were taking. It was almost like being reborn. Sounds corny, but it was very true for me.

How are you feeling today, Symora?

[Symora]

I have been feeling good today. I have been isolating a lot over the holidays, intentionally, but the time I have spent with others has been pleasant. So today I had postponed errands enough and did a clean sweep of them all. I did not feel stressed, I did not feel rushed, I enjoyed just talking to people in the stores. Then I came home and made a pot-roast and my daughter, her boyfriend and one of her childhood friends came over for supper before going out to 'the' New years party. It has been a very nice day. I did not feel depressed today actually, it felt good, I don't remember the last time I felt like doing anything... And to think that it's 20 below zero out there and it did not bother me...

I think the idea of having one hopeful thing to work on has sparked something in me, got the ignition going, and now I'm ready to move into in the new year. It been a year of many challenges.... I've finally made a decision on how I am going to approach my relationship with my X, and I feel comfortable with the boundaries I've set. That was making me feel very uncomfortable and confused, and now I need not be anymore.

So things are looking up for the New Year. May each one of yours come in with good energy and hopeful thoughts.

[amberlyn]

Symora,

Over what all I've read, it seems like you have gotten some excellent advice, suggestions, and support! I hope you don't mind a bit more...

One thing that I had to learn through counseling is that "you cannot MAKE someone feel anything," and vice versa. No one can make you feel anything. For example, no matter what you do to someone, you CANNOT make them mad. It is impossible. Their anger is merely a reaction to something you may have said/done. But you did not make them feel that way. In saying that, no one can make you feel anything about yourself. No one can make you feel worthless.... it is your choice to believe it. You are in control. Always remember that.

I've actually be doing an exercise for a while now that is very very slowly helping me. Perhaps you could try it, too. I took a piece of paper and folded it in half. (You can draw a line down the middle if you prefer) On one side are the thoughts that others have instilled in me - the negativity, and the other side are the positive, healthy thoughts about myself. Each day, I write down ONE (no more than that, as one can be hard enough) negative phrase that I continuously heard through my childhood. On the other side, I wrote the opposite of it. The key is that you do NOT have to believe it when you write it down. Time will help with that, just as time & repetition are what made you believe the negativity. Anyway, each time throughout the day that I think this thought, I look at and read my paper. I may be reading my paper ten times in a thirty minute time period, but I still read it every time. As the days pass, you find yourself reading the paper more (because the added thoughts that you have to look at the paper for), but I find myself reading the entire paper sometimes, even when I'm only thinking of one negative thought. I'll share my paper with you so far:

1) You are failure. - You are successful.

2) You are ugly. - You are beautiful.

3) You are stupid. - You are intelligent.

4) You can't do that. - You can do that.

5) You are worthless. - You have value and worth.

6) You are incompetent. - You are extremely competent.

7) You can't finish school. - You can finish school.

I hope that helps. Hope you're doing well, and take care.

[Symora]

Hi Amberlyn, I like your suggestion about the paper and I'm going to try it because I think my bad self imagine very much has to do with my inner language. I am very demanding of myself and do not put up with much nonsense Problem is that life is full of nonsence so I'm never content....

I find that two weeks on forums has been very helpful as well. I was rather obsessive about it at first, I was like someone who had been out in the desert and was mighty thirsty! :-) But now some of my need to connect to other humans has been quenched and it has broadened my perspective. I am obsessing less about it now that my cup is starting to fill up, and every other part of my life is becoming more balanced as well ... I had not felt that for awhile and I have all of you to thank for it. I think there is some PTSD in my situation for sure, just too many heavy things happened all together and they just colided inside me and exploded ! I had told a friend that it felt like I got a few solid punches to the face, was knocked down and I've not been able to get up since ... down for the count as it were....

I've not done much in the last 5 months, just can't find the reserves, but I think that this rest has been healing and I'm starting to be able to be with people again. I can even give of myself in little doses ... I still find myself impatient and unmotivated, but my aunt gave me some wool today to make hats and scarves for the homeless and I thought I'd give it go. I have not done any knitting in 20 years - I used to be good at it and enjoyed it, like I used to do and enjoy many things...

I think I may be suffering from a lack of outlets for my creativity and it's messing me up inside - I have an artisan's temperament and I'm happy when my hands are creating something, but I've not done much in the last year. I hope the kitting will get the juices flowing - and I just love seeing the finished product, all beautiful and filled with loving spirit!

[paula]

Your self-esteem is the way you look at yourself. If you have good self-esteem it means that you like yourself and you believe that you are as 'OK' as everyone else. If you have poor self-esteem it means that you believe that you are not OK, or that you are inferior to others.

People who have poor self-esteem tend to focus on and magnify their perceived shortcomings, and ignore their strengths and achievements. It's like looking into the mirror and seeing a warped picture - a bit like the ones at fun parks that make you look distorted - completely blowing reality out of proportion.

Your self-esteem can affect how you feel, how you relate to other people, how you deal with challenges and how relaxed and safe you feel in your daily life.

The way you feel

In order to be happy you need to like yourself. If you believe that you are not OK, or if you are constantly putting yourself down, you are more likely to feel depressed, anxious or miserable than someone who has a positive view of themselves.

Your relationships

Low self-esteem can influence the way you behave with other people. For instance, you might find yourself being unassertive (not saying what we think, feel or want), and doing things you don't want to do.

Or you might find yourself trying too hard to please other people - agreeing with them and offering to do things for them in order to 'earn' their friendship.

Low self-esteem might also cause you to seek reassurance from your friends, because deep down, you may not be sure that they like you. You might allow others to 'walk all over you' because you believe you have no rights, and that your needs don't matter. Being treated badly by other people can reinforce the belief that you are not good enough, and can lower your self-esteem even more.

Your willingness to move out of your comfort zone

Trying new things and moving out of our 'comfort zone' at times is important for growing and developing as a person. Low self-esteem might hold you back from new experiences because you become overly concerned with the possibility of failure or looking stupid.

How relaxed and comfortable you feel in the world

When your self-esteem is low, it is difficult to feel relaxed and comfortable in day to day situations.

For instance, if you believe that you are not OK you might feel awkward and self-conscious in many situations. You might worry too much about what others think of you, and might be constantly on the lookout for signs that people don't like you. If someone doesn't acknowledge you, you might immediately assume that they don't like you.

[Symora]

Thanks Paula, That's a good summary of the role of self esteem in our lives. In reading it I realized that I had come a long way, up until about 2 years ago. Then it sort of unraveled when my dad died, then I my 15 year relationship broke down. It made me all insecure again, and then when my grand-mother passed away I lost a big part of my identity that was tied to being there for her.

I'm in a period of reevaluation, and I have come to see that I'm once again facing my issue of self-esteem because I have traditionally valued myself based on what I did for others, those others. I know that people who love me need me, but it's not in the same very personal and nurturing way.

If I could only get some energy back ... then I could go back to doing some service work. I like how I feel when I'm doing service... living one's life to simply fill one's own needs seems rather pointless to me.

[paula]

If I could only get some energy back ... then I could go back to doing some service work. I like how I feel when I'm doing service... living one's life to simply fill one's own needs seems rather pointless to me.

This is going to take time and all you can do is... let your mind take as long as it wants?