Trying too hard

[dakkota]

I was just recently diagnosed with bi-polar, in a stint in a mental hospital, along with other similar things like depression and borderline....but since then i have been almost WORSE.

i am trying SO HARD to never feel like i did leading up to the hospital...i used to indulge myself in my mood swings- when i would get sad i would lock myself away, listen to the most miserable songs, just sit there and sink lower and lower and just die inside. When i was angry i would pick fights, listen to angry songs, and just fester, when i was happy i would go out and make an idiot of myself telling jokes, i would make crazy plans and goals...

and now i do nothing.

i hear a sad song and i freak out, someone makes plans, i freak out...i get mad, i dont say anything.

I have become absolutely obsessed with trying to feel NOTHING.

and it makes me paranoid.

i have never been so paranoid.

ahhh i just don't know if these medications are working...im scared....am i making this too big of a deal?

[David O]

I was just recently diagnosed with bi-polar, in a stint in a mental hospital, along with other similar things like depression and borderline....but since then i have been almost WORSE. Good morning Dakotta, I'm sorry this is happening to you, it has to be disheartening to feel worse after you're discharged and to feel like you have such a heavy weight to carry.

i am trying SO HARD to never feel like i did leading up to the hospital Can you talk a little about what things happened before you were admitted? Can you tell us about what was happening around you and then what was happening inside of you-- your thoughts and feelings?

...i used to indulge myself in my mood swings- when i would get sad i would lock myself away, listen to the most miserable songs, just sit there and sink lower and lower and just die inside. When i was angry i would pick fights, listen to angry songs, and just fester, when i was happy i would go out and make an idiot of myself telling jokes, i would make crazy plans and goals... and now i do nothing. Dakkota, this is not an uncommon reaction to feeling overwhelmed and in deep pain. There have been many times in my life when I needed to make sure that everyone and everything around me needed to align itself to my problems, otherwise it would only heighten my anxieties and disconnection. It seems that it would be hard to be in pain and to not have everything around you join you in this state of mind. Is this why you did this, why you needed to surround yourself and create a more painful situation to match was was occurring inside of you?

Does doing this help you in any way?

i hear a sad song and i freak out, someone makes plans, i freak out...i get mad, i dont say anything. I have become absolutely obsessed with trying to feel NOTHING. and it makes me paranoid. i have never been so paranoid. ahhh i just don't know if these medications are working...im scared....am i making this too big of a deal? It sounds like you're making yourself "go crazy" by ruminating on your condition. I'm wondering if you could actually make a deliberate move to step around or thru you self imposed sentence? I know this will be hard, almost impossible as so much of your energy, time and emotional resources are being spent doing the "Devil's work," of obsessing. If you'd like to do this, write back and we can jointly develop some strategies to help move you out of this downward spiral and give you more control over the situation.

I almost forgot-- are you seeing a therapist or Rehabilitation Counselor? You say you've been prescribed meds, are you taking them consistently? Can you tell us what your meds are (this may help us see if there any connection between meds and what you're experiencing).

Good luck dakkota and I hope this helps,

David

[Symora]

I'm sorry that you're not feeling well. Some things take time, be easy on yourself. I can relate to your saying that you feel desperate to feel nothing. I long for that too, but I've thought that perhaps what I long for is in fact to feel something positive, or to get out of the feelings of depression and emotional pain. Since you have been disagnosed and you are being treated, there is hope that things will get better... you are stronger than you feel... It may be important at this point to find a therapist you can trust, someone to monitor your progress and get some of these things off your chest with a professional who can guide you.

Strive to be optimistic and hopeful - I know it's not easy, but it sure beats letting yourself go down the dark path.... Write soon

Salut

Symora

[dakkota]

wow david thank you so much for that lengthy response! its still hard for me to beilive that people out there DO care, or atleast understand whats happeneing. Iam on Trileptal (sorry if these arent spelled right) twice a day, lexapro once a day, and adivan when needed (up to twice a day).

before, i honestly thought i was insane. i had alot of assorted 'symptoms' that led me to beilive i was schizophrenic like my grandmother. i am really preocupied with eyes-i still am. i draw them all the time, sometimes i can't control my eyes, they roll around and twitch-jerk. i see things out of the corner of my eyes, and i get really paranoid. i dont know so i was just getting more and more anxious and paranoid-and my grades were dropping, i was obvioulsy expirencing crazy mood swings- almost got fired-horrible nightmares-led to insomnia. alot of things.

then one night i just snapped...i went on a walk earlier...i was crying and then i just kind of turned off-i was swinging at the local park and just stopped thinking-my racing thoughts turned off, i went home...and like two hours later my mother was yelling at me and she slapped me and i just flipped. started screaming ripped alot of my hair out..i dont remember alot of it...my mom called the police, i got rushed away.

now i have no idea how i feel...everything feels wrong and fake.

[David O]

wow david thank you so much for that lengthy response! No need to thank me (but you're most welcome), I'm paying it forward for what many others have done for me over the years. You'll find it easy to do the same here, as others help you, you may want to respond to folks on other threads who may benefit from your compassion, wisdom, sensitivity and insights.

its still hard for me to beilive that people out there DO care, or atleast understand whats happeneing. Iam on Trileptal (sorry if these arent spelled right) twice a day for the Bipolar symptoms I presume... and you spelled it correctly. Trileptal was actually designed to treat seizure disorders, but has been found effective also for Bipolar, which suggests a link between the two conditions

, lexapro once a day (is this for anxiety or depression or both?),

and adivan (Ativan) when needed (up to twice a day). You must experience a high amount of anxiety? Do you use it also for sleeping?

before, i honestly thought i was insane. What you describe below would make anyone feel insane, and that feeling would only worsen the sense of being insane, as you say.

i had alot of assorted 'symptoms' that led me to beilive i was schizophrenic like my grandmother. i am really preocupied with eyes-i still am. i draw them all the time, sometimes i can't control my eyes, they roll around and twitch-jerk. Dakotta, did your eyes roll around and twitch before starting on the medications or have they always done this?

i see things out of the corner of my eyes, and i get really paranoid. i dont know so i was just getting more and more anxious and paranoid-and my grades were dropping, i was obvioulsy expirencing crazy mood swings- almost got fired-horrible nightmares-led to insomnia. alot of things.

then one night i just snapped...i went on a walk earlier...i was crying and then i just kind of turned off-i was swinging at the local park and just stopped thinking-my racing thoughts turned off, i went home...and like two hours later my mother was yelling at me and she slapped me and i just flipped. started screaming ripped alot of my hair out..i dont remember alot of it...my mom called the police, i got rushed away. Dakkota, are you seeing a psychosocial rehab counselor? Are they working on strategies for reducing your stress levels?

Bipolar Disorder is extremely susceptible to stress and individuals will relapse if distressed for extended periods or too severely. In addition, families with a family member who is ill are also highly susceptible to what is called expressed emotion wherein they tend to express excessive amounts of emotionality around and about the relative with the illness, this often results in fights and arguments, and has a tendency to increase relapse rates. I've had to work very closely with families of patients to get them to tone down the rhetoric and anger in the home, whether it's against someone with a mental illness or an elderly family member (I have seen too much elder abuse), or a sickly child.

Dakkota, you might already know this, but Bipolar Disorder has what is called the kindling effect-- which means that every relapse results in a greater likelihood of another relapse, which will generally be longer, and more intense than the previous one. This in turn will result in a greater likelihood of more relapses, each one often being more severe and longer in duration that the previous ones. All of this to highlight the need to remain on meds at all times, no matter how well you feel. The sensation you'll get from this combination of meds may have a surreal quality, which is what you may be describing when you say you feel fake.

Regarding a comment in your initial post where you didn't know if the meds were working, it often can take 3-5 weeks for therapeutic level to be reached, so the initial 1-3 weeks can be very trying. In addition, along the way, there may be several med changes as everyone responds differently to the cocktail. Over time, you'll likely have gone thru several med and dosage changes until your body gets it right-- be patient, this is part of the process for arriving at the right place for you.

Finally, Symora is very right, keeping a positive attitude may make all the difference between relapse due to stress and staying out of the hospital. Your goal is to reduce the risk and incidence of relapse.

Good luck and I hope this helps.

David

[amberlyn]

Dakkota,

I see that David has been extremely informative and (hopefully) helpful. I was going to reiterate that medication does take a while to "kick in," so to speak. I don't know how long you've been on the medication but that is something to keep in mind. Also, I was diagnosed with Bipolar in 2005 & it took a few months to find the right cocktail for me. The meds I took during that time helped enough to keep me 'sane' but I still had problems. I've tried SEVERAL medications before finding what I needed. And something else to keep in mind is that over time, your cocktail may not work anymore. That doesn't mean that you're beyond help ... it just means that you need a new cocktail. My aunt has to have her meds adjusted every 5-7 years, simply because her body won't work with the meds any longer than that. But, maybe you'll find something that your body likes and will continuously work with.

I hope you're doing well ... take care.