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depession in pregnancy fault for dissapeared love?


Rudi77
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Hi together,

i come to this Forum in the hope to get a few help from you.

I gonna describe my situation.

Me and my girlfried just went out for three month now. She is depressiv since years and also took meds. For here it was clear, that she couln'd get pregnant. And so we *schame on me* did not averted. - Not the point.

Until she got pregnant, everything was perfect between us. I was the man she always told me. The nice one - not such an aswhole, as the otheres before. And we were on the right way to a good relation. Really everything was fine.

Since she was pregnant she didn't took the meds anymore. And she begin to get depressiv from time to time. On top to the pregnancy hormons - a big cocktail, now it was really hard for her.

Everything is to much for her. To much closeness, even if we see us once a week. (1h away from each other). (But we write SMS and telphone daily).

And she told me she is just depressiv when i am present. We could't laught together anymore and she is always nerved, when we see us. It's getting worse and now even if we are phoneing that happens.

We now decided to take a break - maybe 14 days, that she can gather on herself. Also she is in therapy since a week now again. We both always wanted a good family, none of us want to be a single parent.

For here the feelings for me are gone. They are just the feelings you have for a good friend. She needs time for to find out her real feelings for me.

Could anybody give me a little bit of hope?

She didn't think, that here depression is gulty for all. Maybe we just didn' match!?

Could here depression be the cause? Or aren't her hormons, but our relation the real problem?

I hit the rock bottom! :-(

Thanks for listening to me!

Rudi

Edited by Rudi77
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i think there are a lot of things going on. being pregnant is a huge stress button.

i think the best thing you can do is take a step back from the relationship yourself, and get yourself together for whatever outcome.

From the sounds of it, you may be suffocating her with your neediness.

Just be there for her when she needs you to listen. Other then that, don't force it, let her know you care about her and you'll respect her needs and wishes and that you love her.

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Hi Rudi, yes I think she needs her space but just knowing you are there for her whenever she needs you will be a big help to her. She is probably fighting a lot of things inside her physically and mentally so "support" is what you can give her.

We women go through so much inside you guys will never know, don't get me wrong on this please but between hormones etc. it is tough. Help her let herself figure things out.

You both will have a big responsibility ahead of you and yes you are right, being a single parent is not your first choice but just because you share a baby together doesn't mean that you have to stay together and be forever miserable either.

You will always be in each others lives because of your child but you have been together for 3 months and time will tell where your relationship will end up. I wish you luck.....

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Hi Rudi, welcome to the forum :-)

I was like that, especially when I was pregnant, but just generally too. When I would get worried and preoccupied about something, I would get all muddled up and I was really hard on my guy. He got on my nerves, I became insecure about the relationship, I projected bad scenarios and intellectualized out need to break up, we should just be friends... And then the insecurity or problem would pass and I would become normal again and felt all bad for all that drama. And then I would cycle again and forget about the last time. I can drive a person batty :(

From my perspective it is just a lot for her to live right now. She needs time to think, to get some perspective on what she is living, and she seems to need solitude to do it. I suggest that you simply keep in touch, just tell her you are there and that you have interests in this baby as well, that you want to be part of this too. If you pull away a little she may even be more interested... so take it easy for a little, like you agreed, see what develops and then you'll be able to decide how to handle it from there...

Be confident that you will get through this....

Edited by Symora
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Hey Rudi,

It may be hormones but can't say totally, you need to stand by her and support her and encourage the relationship , there's a possibility it will renew itself. Pregnancy it very difficult and if she already took meds then a combination is tough. Just try and talk, the hormones may work in your favor. Time heals all.

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Hi all,

thanks for your replies. You really reassure me a bit.

It's gonna be a very taff time for me. Not to call the woman, you expect to be the girl and your family in the future.

Two weeks of silence - i hope she will miss me earlier, than she expects. And her feelings will come back into line. :-(

I'm a little bit scared, that - hm there is no english word for this. Beeing shy with her - maybe she a litte bit foreign to me. And i am for her, too. You know what i mean? Like the first date, but with a known past. Like an old friend. That picture of the future really scares me.

But there are also good news. She was at her therapist yesterday. This mornig she wrote me and asked, if i am interessted in a discussion with her and her therapist. Her therapist want's to help us througth the taff time, we expect to have in the near future.

"The next taff time" ... did the therapist think, that the depression is the fault, and it's gonna be fine someday?

It is so hard to look in a person with depressions. I never had some and just want to understand how this feels. Hormones are missing, thats what the meds repairs and what really work out.

But how is it without meds?

Could you provide me a litte insight in this feelings? Just want to be allone and don't let somebody in. Could imagine to be without people arround for weeks.... really taff to understand. How can a outsider help in such situation?

Please tell me about your experiences...

I will let you know, of course how this whole think will end up.

Wish me luck and little bit help from ... i don't know ...

Cheers

Rudi

Edited by Rudi77
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Dear Rudi,

lots of luck and keep us posted.....

Depression is like having this flat emotionless feeling inside. The normal reactions that we have cease to exist, the desire to do anything physically or mentally is so non existant and for me there is like a heavy fog stuck in my head.

Some people also have tremndous physical ailments as well. Headaches etc....

You mentioned about not wanting to be around anyone? Thats because the feeling is so flat and it is very hard to take anything in or give anything also. The cognitive processing also gets screwed up so the normal thinking is not there. And of course there is hopelessness and defeat and then that leads to suicide ideations...

I'm sure others will explain it a little different and everyone has different symptoms of their depression so I hope you get a little idea of how she feels....

Keep us posted... :)

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Hi Rudi,

I think it's a great idea to have the therapist there so you can talk it out together. That will help her keep some perspective on the situation, and it might set a tone for how you talk to each other in the future...

When I am depressed I go to a place where reality is distorted. Everything is seen through my fears, my doubts, my insecurities, so what comes out is defensive and not very rational. I try to break off with my spouse because I want to push him away before he leaves me (my issues are around a fear of abandonment and low self-esteem). I get all crazy thinking about 'is this the person I really want to be with', I feel so out of control within myself that I often associate my emotional difficulties to being with this person. Maybe that's where my bad feelings are coming from? I don't need this? What about this? What about that? .... and then everything starts spinning and I don't know which end is up and I know I need to be alone.... I need my time for reflection, alone, in silence most of the time, simplifying things right down. I can't handle much stimulus or my depression gets worse. It's sort of like when you have a bad headache and you can't stand to be with people, noise bugs you, the other's talking bugs you, you just have to be in the dark in your own room....

The worst part for me is that when I'm in the warped thinking of depression, I think I am in reality. The negativity, the rationalizations, the fears, I think they are quite lucid because they feel quite normal.... I'm just me, but a really confused and down me ....Then eventually I realize I'm depressed again because I start thinking alout death a lot, and my thoughts are like 'bunnies'... they jump around all over the place and I can't pin them down for long. Like when you're really tired you know, you've been out too many nights in a row and you feel all groggy and you're not performing very well... but with depression even if you sleep, or whatever, it does not go away, it just becomes the way you live...some days you can't even imagine getting out of bed it is so disabling. But you do, and you cope the best you can, and then the depression lifts and you become the more normal you, and you cope better, and you can laugh again and be hopeful....

For me it was tied to my hormones and periods. So for 2 weeks a month I was the normal, fun and energetic me, and two weeks a month I was negative, agressive, hysterical at times, confused, crying, convinced I had to divorce my husband... and then I would get my period and all was well again. It is embarassing and sometimes you just don't want to be around people because you can't trust how you are going to be...

All of that is me, I have my own triggers and my own challenges so your girlfriend might live her depression very differently....

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Hi again,

Linda and Symora thanks a lot for your explanations. I wrote a big answer on Monday, and short before sending it everything was gone. Horror! So it took it’s time to answer.

It is good to get a little feeling for what you are going through - how it is for you to be in such a phase. I really keep my fingers crossed, that you can get it under control.

For me I really hope that the therapist is able to help us out. I’ve never been to one and at the moment I am really not sure, if she could help me/us. As I told you, we should have our break, but today is the first, where we really don’t have any contact. In the last SMS yesterday she wrote, that at the moment she really excludes everything about our relationship. Don’t know what it mean to her – think she really needs her time.

But i mean when we want to go to the Therapist together to get through the tough near future – why can’t she just say no, when I write her “I hope you didn’t give us up yet.” That would make my days a little bit easier.

Oh dam really sounds like it is – just heartsickness. Feel like a little teenager.

But it couldn’t be handled as a normal breakup – first it isn’t cleared out yet and second I don’t know, if her depression might be the only guilty for the feeling inside her. And of course our little crumb in her stomach. *whine*cry* - sorry! ;-)

I am so impatient – unbelievable – and really hart! (A Softie ;-)

@Linda, is it really so tough, that no one is able to help you in such situations? Didn’t your kids brighten you up? Or is your husband able to get through to you? Does your feeling go so far, that you can’t think of better times? You really just want to be alone and throw everything and everyone who wants to be with and around you away? Does it go so far, that you start to hurt the people you love?

@Symora, really a good look into your mind. I am very thankful, that you share your feelings this deep here. It must be really hard for you and also for your husband. Did it help out, if he just took you and get out with you. Try to have some fun at different nice places? Or when you want o be alone just leave you alone? When you are so far, that you are near to divorce your husband – how do you come out of these situations? Is he able to help you? Or does it make it worse, when he tries to speak with you? Are you getting more and more nerved, when he starts tease you about your feeling – even if he don’t want to go in that direction?

It is really hard to look into the real deep feelings of humans. And i always felt, that I am able to^^

Cheers without happiness!

Rudi

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Hi Rudi I sure hope things get better for you but you have to be patient, unfortunatly. 9 months is nothing in a lfetime but those 9 months are for her right now the toughest, and of course yourself almost having to "look in" all the time to her and your realtionship... wondering what will be.... patience my friend.... :)

It is the weirdest thing Rudi. The feeling of blank flat emotions. And yes even with all of my children looking in my eyes and the love and most of all support my husband still gives me is a feeling of complexity for me.

I know how I feel, I have to fix me first right?? even after raising all my children and my commitment to our marraige and our life we built is so difficult to understand myself. But, I have learned not to question it as reality anymore of maybe I am going through a midlife crisis and maybe i just don't want this life anymore? Believe me that went through my mind for years.

But since I cycle with the bipolar I do see at small times the "normal" feeling of me and my love and feelings to life and my family. And it is so hard being in the bad part of the cycle knowing and feeling the opposite and that feels like reality unfortunatly. But as my Pdoc says , it's the illness talking but it feels so real and never ending, until I cycle.... again.....

Hope that helps a little:)

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Rudi,

I have been following your discussion and am very interested in how things will go when you and your girlfriend meet with the therapist.

Keep in mind that, because your girlfriend is pregnant it was much safer for the fetus for her to stop her medications. As a result, and with all the hormone changes due to the pregnancy, she is depressed and probably confused. Actually, depression during pregnancy is very common for those who were depressed prior to pregnancy. My guess is that its her depression that causes her to want space at this time. At the same time, its important that she knows that you are available and that she can rely on you for herself and for the baby.

I know this must be very hard for you and that is understandable. Be assured that she needs you and will need you even more and very soon.

Good Luck with the meeting and please let us know how it went.

Allan :(

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Hi,

"...it is the illness talking"... thats really the point, i guess my girl had.

Sounds a bit weird, but i hope that really the illness speaks out of her at the moment - only so her change - even to me - makes sence.

Is this for her the reality, but she isn't really herself at the moment? Could that feeling stay for weeks or even month? And after the hormones are in line again everything can change in her mind about 180 degrees? And she regrets everything she did?

@Allan:

We know about the problems of the meds in the pregnancy. Thats why we setting them out. But if she really goes down the drain, we have to find the right balance. What is better for the baby? A depressiv girl in the pregnancy or a few meds, which bring the girl in line? Difficult - the baby gets everything - didn't it?

She spoke to her therapist and gynecologist about that. And when her feelings went worse the next two weeks, we will go to a specialist. He ist specialized on depression in the pregnancy. Hope he can help then.

"Be assured that she needs you and will need you even more and very soon"

How do you mean that. Sure she needs me, since i am the father of her child. But did she also need me to take care of her? How did she get that out?

Thanks for all your support.

But...

...unfortunately you all can say, what is good for her. But how could i handle this situation? That is really not so easy!

Be patient, go on distance. But be there, if she needs you. That is really so easy to say. But tough to realise.

I can't be myself on her side. I can't say, what i am saying normal wise. Everything i do, i have to check previous, to be sure that she didn't get it wrong. So some things just are not spoken out.

So i really have two big problems.

First i have to be patient. Very hard. Any tipps for me? I am around with friends. With one ore two, i even share and discuss this really private problems. I try to go out more than normal, not stay allone at home. All the normal hints you get, if your have heartsickness. But it is still hard not to call her and ask, how it goes.

And second

When i see her again, or we are on the phone. How can i speak to her without loosing myself. I don't want to pretend me. Is it right to stay, who you are in that moments, even if that could hurt her? Or should i be a little bit more reserved?

Maybe a little bit to much for this forum...just want to say what i feel.

Thanks for listening.

Rudi

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Hi Rudi....

I am so glad you are processing all of everyone's suggestions for you.

Yes I think you understand that essentially patience and time and your ability to control yourself right now is important.

I guess what I would say is that we women, well at least the ones I know, we push/pull anyone and everything when we feel uncomfortable or threatened. I guess it is a defense mechanism. And it doesn't matter if it is pregnancy, depression, bipolar or whatever it is all the same....

But from what I have learned from my relationship with my husband during these 4 years of turmoil is that it is a very difficult time for him as well. Except he didn't know how to help.

Those few years of that really put me on the defense because I wanted him to process more of my illness but he couldn't. It took me threatening him, getting handcuffed, sent to the hospital all because I was so frustrated with him and me.....

We had a family mtg at the hospital and it wasn't until I threw the mattress, kicked chairs and more for him to listen to me and how I was feeling.

Since then, he has really taken an interest in my feelings and is more consious of staying in communication with me even when I tell him I want a divorce or leave whatever....

I don't really want a divorce but my point is , I am confused, want him, need him but will push him away in a heart beat. But the biggest point here is that he looks at me and hears me but doesn't react because he knows it is the illness talking. Then a few hours later I go over to him and snuggle;)

So I hope you can find the strength in yourself to do that and I hope she knows that. Even if you have to tell her that everday or everytime you talk with her she always needs to know you will not leave her.....

:(

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hi,

sorry i didn't answer for so long.

But i told you i will, so here are the knockdown news.

Our meeting was not that bad, the therapist was able to exmplain a bit wide, what goes on in her mind. As i mentioned, she really didn't get love without fighting for it in the past.

Of course she always looked for! But in the same way she was looking for the man, who is able to give her all the love she needs, she is very scrared of getting it. It scares here to get in such a situation, because she never learned to handle it.

That could be the reason, why she just push me away at the moment.

She isn't even able to talk to me. I nerver met a person, who changed so much in such a short time.

In the conversation she also feels very sorry for all that, she never wanted it that way. But she couldn't akt different. She has the feeling, she really destroys everything and it is her fault. (Of course i thought^^ and the therapist told her, that faul or not will be part of many more sessions)

At the moment she really thinks just of herself and our kid. She isn't able to give me anything. Not even talking is possible anymore. Very selfish and out of all recognition. This is so dam hard to handle for me.

And it is not possible to think logic about that - this is not explainable with logic. You just sit there and can't understand the person, you loved a few weeks before.

The therapist told me, that i should think about getting some professional help also. Because the situation of getting punished in that way, the refusals all the time, when i just want to speak to her, would make me collapse in the near future. A Therapist could give me a little backing support to come over this phase.

I really don't know, how this could end up in a good way. My feelings are about (or even started) to change from love to incomprehension and no more respekt for this person. To other people she can be as normal as before. Only me is the person, who gets all the bad from her.

Really a tough time is going to come up!

Feeling so empty and without prospects for the future. :-(

Rudi :-(

Edited by Rudi77
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