Everyone hates me, I can't get along!

[JaneE]

Well not terribly often, but any is too often, of course. And it tends to be the kind of thing that happens when I least expect it, which makes it doubly upsetting, and hard to be adequately on guard for.

However, soon after this incident I saw a post here about a book called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". I went to Amazon and ordered it immediately, and two other books as well.

So he saw all these orders for books of this nature coming in (they send copious amounts of order confirmations, haha), and maybe it gave him pause, because he's been *very* nice to me since. I was afraid he'd be angry with me about them, but he hasn't acknowledged them outright. And I've not mentioned them either. Or not yet, anyway.

Of course I know he won't change much, but the book has helped me. I haven't started the other two yet. I'm going to go through them very slowly, when I really need them.

*edit* Oh! And I forgot to mention some other neighbors had a noisy party recently... they were down the STREET from me. I did my best to be "cool" about it until they turned their subwoofer whatever-those-awful-things-are-called on at 2:30am, and my WINDOWS started VIBRATING. I was through "being cool" then, and CALLED THE POLICE. They had to break up the shindig. These people are educated professionals (TEACHERS) in their FORTIES, living in a neighborhood with young kids. How can mature adults behave this way? It boggles my mind. I'm beginning to think there's no such thing as grownups anymore.

But at least I've learned not to go to their house myself!! XD I thought it would be the polite thing to do, but I guess people like this aren't going to understand/appreciate that anyway!

I used my husband's phone to call. He of course was asleep. I was terrified he'd be angry about it in the morning, but he wasn't. I suppose because he didn't have to be involved?

[Guest ASchwartz]

JaneE,

Have you thought about divorce?

Allan

[Katey]

..........

[JaneE]

Okay, an update seems to be in order...

Yes, I think of divorce, but don't want to leave my son with his father alone. Not that his father is abusive to him (he's great at being good to others, just not to me), but because I'm afraid there'd be no ...responsible adults in the house? Maybe I'm self-aggrandizing. But someone has to do basic daily things like laundry and making sure people go to bed at a decent hour.

I don't expect any appreciation or thanks from my son, however. He doesn't understand the situation (he's only 10) and I think he just finds me a big pain-in-the-neck who's never happy. >_< A cosmic joke on me, O parenthood.

But I still have to do what I feel is the most responsible and caring thing under the circumstances. There are all kinds of arguments why I should go (I've had them all with myself), and perhaps I eventually will, but it still feels too soon.

So that's the answer to that question, sorry it took me so long!

Jane

[silentmist]

i remember my mum being stressed all the time when I was your son's age. I felt she didn't like me. I hope you give him a some hugs and stuff, to reassure him ... kids pick up on any tensions in the house and soak them up like a sponge.

I hope you get the affection you need too, you're every bit as important as your son.

[JaneE]

Yes! You are so right about that, it's heartbreaking... My father was the same way, he was always in physical pain due to a bone condition, and exhausted from working all day. He had nothing left for me, and never wanted much to do with me. Of course I took it personally when I was young, but I understand now... so I do try to be attentive to him (my son, that is), though I don't know how successful I am.

Actually you guys, something happened yesterday, and I've told my husband I want to leave. I feel awful, and heartbroken, but I've done my best and I can't make it work any more. It doesn't work, it never did.

Now I'm going to have to go out into this world... I have avoidant personality disorder and being "out in the world" is very tough on me, but I have to do something different.

I think I'll be okay, and I'll do my best to keep things stable and positive for my son. I think they'll both be happier without me around.

Jane

[silentmist]

I think if you get your own place and hence your own space, some of your feelings will become more manageable after time. Your husband obviously has difficulty honouring you so who cares what he feels for as long as he's happy being negligent and abusive to his wife. I have a hard time believing that your boy would be happier without you around though. I would of thought that you'd get custody.

[JaneE]

I don't know if they'd award a kid to someone with a Personality Disorder, but I'm hoping we can do things equitably without the courts having to be involved. We aren't legally married, so there might not be any problem there?? Who knows.. >_<

He's lined up a counselor for us. Scary for me, as he's so charming and well-spoken, and I'm not. Yes I can TYPE my fingers off, but in person/verbally I tend to be a gibbering wreck and my husband once told me I "scare people". I may be feeling a bit paranoid, but I'm afraid they'll put me away.

Ha ha, the upside of that is at least I won't be with him? ^^;; (oof, not funny!!!)

Jane

[malign]

Jane,

A decent therapist won't let him define you for them.

What I found difficult, in couples counseling, was to participate in the process and deal with the aftermath of expressing a different opinion from my wife's, when I got home. I tended not to want to make waves that I would have to calm later, but then I had to just tune out of the counseling. That was my marriage, though; yours will be different.

Your husband's opinion that you "scare people" is just his opinion.

Personally, I find it hard to believe. What do you do, jump out from behind doors and say "boo"? ;-)

{I said it in a clean way first, but I could just as easily have said, "He's full of sh*t; why would you believe him?" You get to pick which way works better for you.} :-)

[silentmist]

Your personality disorder isn't a dangerous one, I've been diagnosed with it myself. It's not something that would put your child at risk of abuse or neglect so it would be irrelevant to any custody issues. It's a curious concept though, being 'awarded' custody of your own child. On the other hand, your husbands volatile and abusive behaviour might be emotionally traumatizing for a little boy to witness. I remember seeing my parents fight when I was about 9, it was very shocking. All things considered, I think you'd get custody.

They wouldn't even think of putting you away unless you posed a risk of physical harm to either yourself or someone else. Under that criteria, your husband is more likely to be put away ... and being a gibbering wreck can be endearing, I wouldn't worry about it.